simple math

THE DE LEON HOUSE w/ @ethanmendoza​

It’s her weekend with Calliope and her parents decided to go visit some family in Mexico so it was just her and the baby all weekend. Catalina rocks the infant in her arms, laying her carefully into the crib. Her gaze focuses on the baby for a few seconds until she hears a knock on the door. Her brows furrowing as she turns her head to look over at her bedroom door. Who could that be? She glances towards the clock to see it’s only eight-thirty which it feels like it should have been way later with how much it felt like putting Calli down tonight was a fight. She takes a few soft steps back until she’s out of the bedroom, shutting the door behind her. She walks over to the end table by the couch, plucking up the baby monitor as she heads to the front door. 

Truly, she’s not sure who it could be because usually Scott sends a text if he ever comes over. She reaches for the locks, unlocking it and grabbing the knob to pull open the door. She sees Ethan standing there, her eyes narrowing for a second because she’s trying to figure out when the last time she saw him was. I love you, Cat. And I know it’s not enough. It’s never been enough. It’ll never be enough. But you know what? Neither does he. Inhaling, it’s hard to believe it has been a few months since she had seen him but she figured it was basically out of respect given the whole new mother thing. She grabs his arm and pulls him into the house. “Come in but stay quiet.” She still doesn’t have an answer for him because the one thing she had been focused on was making sure her and Scott could co-exist together as parents.

-

“Wha--Jesus,” Ethan blundered, his frame yanked with a great deal of effort on Catalina’s part through the front door. The house was barely illuminated--he frankly wasn’t even sure if she was home, but for her bedroom light being on--and they moved quickly through the threshold and into the foyer, where Catalina turned on the light abruptly after finally releasing him. Ethan blinked against it harshly, quickly regaining his composure and straightening his now-tousled jacket. He blinked at her, furrowing his brow. “Is someone here?” He didn’t give her any warning, and had no logical right to be upset. This didn’t change anything. If Scott were here--and in whatever perverse way, Ethan hoped he was--he would have no qualms about making that a bigger problem for everyone than Catalina could even prepare for. That was what he was good at, after all--destroying things for the sin of wanting them. 

Scott had never come face-to-face with Ethan before — he’d heard enough about the guy, knew more than he’d ever wanted to know about him. And so, self-righteous or otherwise, Scott hated him. Hated what he’d done to Catalina, hated that he was back in her life. He didn’t deserve to be, not that Scott particularly thought that he did, either. But he was the father of Catalina’s daughter, and would always be there, in some way. There was room enough for that. But for Ethan? Scott wanted the door shut on that quickly, metaphorically and literally. “You don’t know anything about it.” This was the the guy that Catalina had gone to, had clearly opened up to, and offered up portions of Scott’s soul to. 

“And for the record, you haven’t earned anything. She’s just a good person, and doesn’t have the heart to tell you you’re absolutely irredeemable.” Scott was bristling, begging for Ethan to begin something that he could finish. “I made my mistakes, but at least I’m not trying to force my way into an instant-family situation. What do you think is going to happen? You’re never going to be more important to her than I am? She’s in love with me. So why don’t you cut your losses and screw off to whatever hole you crawled out of. Because you’re not the guy, you were just a mistake, and I’m the one who was there for her.”

--

Scott’s diatribe was as vitriolic as it was pathetic, and Ethan couldn’t help his amusement; he pulled his lips inward, stifling a small smile. For so long, Ethan had viewed Scott as some adversarial force, some worthy opponent for Cat’s favor. In the face of his attempts at attacks, Ethan saw him for what he really was: pathetic. 

“It’s interesting how eager you are to prove yourself worthy of Cat’s love now that the actual object of your affection is out of reach. You see that, right? How hollow this all is? That’s all it’s ever going to be, for you. Hollow. Meaningless.” Ethan slipped his hands into his pockets nonchalantly, his voice serene, his words corrosive. He had always been good at this. “And you know that! Which is maybe the most interesting part. You agreed to this sham, and you failed to keep it up, but somehow, I’m the villain in this story. You knew you couldn’t ever love her the way she deserved to be loved, but you’re still here...advocating for your mediocrity.” A small chuckle shook loose from Ethan’s chest. “I’ll leave, if you want. If that’ll make it better for Cat, I’ll go home. Fuck, I’ll go back to L.A.. I’ll move across the world. But it’s never going to change anything. She’s always going to know you’re a piece of shit, Scott. And you’ll spend the rest of your life trying to make it up to her. Begging for forgiveness from a woman you don’t even want.”

All that Scott knew of Ethan was nothing complimentary, to say the least. Where he had failed to be a man, to step up, Scott had been there as a friend, a confidant, someone who, at that time, Catalina could trust. And for the all the grief and pain that Scott watched Catalina go through, he’d never be able to forget, could not comprehend Cat’s capacity for forgiveness. It made Scott’s blood boil just to be in the man’s company, to know he was trying to weasel his way back in, after everything. It was rich of Scott, certainly, but he couldn’t change his feelings on the matter.

“She’s the mother of my child.” Scott replied with an even keel, not going to be the one goaded in this situation. “You wouldn’t know anything about that, though. You’re never quite there when you’re needed, but you seem to like to buzz around exactly when you’re not.” Scott canted his head to the side, sizing the man up. “So, anyway. She’s not around. So you can feel free to fuck off any time now.”

-

Ethan rolled his eyes, wholly unimpressed. The superiorty Scott deluded himself into earning, the way he statured himself some knight in comparison to Ethan when he had spent the majority of his sham marriage to Catalina in the arms of another woman, was as much amusing as it was infuriating. Ethan had never, by any stretch, considered himself a virtuous man, but he could at least acknowledge that the destruction of his life had been at his own hands, which Scott never was apparently able to do. He also knew better than to posture himself above Scott, when, in fact, he knew them to be entirely equal.

It seemed as though Scott was the only one that hadn’t been let in on this fact.

“Listen--I don’t have time for this. I don’t have time to do this stupid bullshit where we go back and forth about whose a shitter person. Because you’re no better than me, Scott. We’re just...we’re parallel lines. You’re just as selfish. You’re just too self-righteous to admit that the only difference between us is that you got to have your cake and eat it, too; I fucked up, and my wife left me. But I came back, and I owned what I did, and I worked for Cat’s forgiveness. I was here. The whole time you were off doing God knows what with a woman that’ll never choose you. I was here. So I don’t have time for you to try to work out your feelings of inadequacy. I’m not here for that.”

Scott felt some level of relief that Ethan, seemingly, was out of the picture. It wasn’t much of a secret that he was insecure when it came to the other man, whose past with Catalina still made Scott’s blood boil. Absent of the fact Scott had dealt his own wounds to the woman. Calliope was down for a nap, and Catalina was out doing a diaper run, so Scott was left to his own devices, sitting in the living room with the television muted, not moving an inch or making a sound, as the baby seemed to find any excuse not to sleep. Catalina’s parents were… Humoring him, to the say the least. But he’d soak up any opportunity to be around his daughter, and Catalina, really, so there he was. 

The doorbell ring made Scott simultaneously cringe and lock up, waiting to see if it had stirred the baby. Luckily, the monitor app on his phone didn’t signal any movement, nor did shrill cries signal she was, in fact, awake again. His blood, however, was boiling as he marched over to the door, swinging it open. “— Oh.” He exhaled, looking at Ethan with renewed vitriol. Of course this fucking guy would ring a doorbell, even knowing there was a baby around. “Cat’s not here.” He stated, arms folding across his chest as he filled the doorframe, gaze boring into the man in front of him — the guy he’d been dreading having to meet from the second Scott had learned about him.

-

Ethan and Cat’s argument had left him feeling at odds with everything, his universe in Eureka seemingly upended. By coming to see her, he’d been hoping to set that right. The truth of the matter was, Ethan no longer knew who he was when not in relation to someone else--his divorced had dislodged him entirely from the moors he was so comfortable within. When he’d fled, he’d fled to Eureka for its familiarity, knowing that Catalina would likely be there, knowing that he’d be met by someone who had, at one point, wanted him. Loved him. He wasn’t sure what the truth of that was, now, or what he’d created. He wasn’t sure what anything meant. 

With the arrival of Scott Gallego before him, his disdain radiating off of him in waves, Ethan’s general unease was compounded. Scott had always been something in Ethan’s peripheral vision, a non-threat that he’d relegated to the back of his mind, understanding that the man was essentially the same as him. He didn’t particularly delight in the man’s misfortune, but neither did he root for his happiness--particularly when it came at the cost of Cataline, whom Ethan had come to, in whatever way possible, treasure. He chuckled softly, the wry smile lingering as he said, “Decided you were about ready to play house now, then?”

Ethan had been made aware of Calliope’s birth secondhand, a social media announcement the only thing alerting him. He had practically seen red; the only thing that had stopped him from getting in the car and fleeing had been the sick, perverse idea that Catalina still held the torch she always had for him. That he was still wanted, by someone. That he belonged somewhere. It took him some time to lick his wounds after their blowout fight, after he stormed out from the only semblance of a home he’d had in over a year, and foolishly, seemingly, burned the bridge. But Catalina had never been one to hold grudges--as evident by his mere existence in her life--and he wasn’t particularly eager to face the real world, yet. 

Instead, he bided his time thinking, trying to formulate an apology, and adequate plea for Catalina’s understanding, once again. When all of his attempts at contact had failed--his texts and phone calls going unanswered--he ventured forth, carrying out his last ditch effort. Ethan had never been a man that begged, and he wouldn’t deign to do so now. But he could, at least, bring Catalina a hot meal. Meet the baby. Connect, as they did so well. He approached the door to the De Leon family home with a bag of takeout and a box--a small gift for the baby, because he had been raised to believe that money solved most problems--and rang the doorbell, awaiting the arrival of Catalina. 

Catalina dropped her gaze down towards her bump, nodding her head at his words. “I know, I was there.” She cleared her throat as she pressed her lips together as he began to rehash what had happened with his marriage after he had been the one to cheat. “What am I supposed to do, Ethan? Tell him he can’t be apart of our lives? It’s his daughter.” She lifted her eyes up towards him before shifting her gaze towards the piece of the crib laying out on the floor behind him as she thought about all the little pregnancy milestones that not only Scott missed but Ethan had missed himself with his own child. “Kind of ironic, don’t you think?” She asked in a tone of voice that was eerily calm. “That you want to sit here and scold him for doing exactly what you did.” She turned her head to look away from him, putting her hand on her lower back as she used her other hand to push herself up off the bed. “What do you want me to say, Ethan? Really?” She said as she let her green hues focus on him. “Let’s say I do take that final step and divorce Scott. What then? Us?” She gestured between the both of them. “Are you really going to stand there and tell me that you’d raised another man’s child?” She shook her head. “You wouldn’t. I don’t…” She brushed her tongue along her lower lip. “If you want my honest opinion, Ethan… I’m not really expecting you to stick around either.”

-

Ethan stood stock still in the wake of Catalina’s accusations, a blistering rage scorching through him. He wanted desperately to yell, but knew he couldn’t. And knew, even deeper, that she was correct: he’d no intention of raising another man’s child. He’d no intention of even being in the child’s life, really--it stung, to some degree, that she’d even gotten pregnant in the first place, an odd sense of betrayal. What had he been doing since Cat’s wedding? Pretending. He swallowed the knot in his throat, shaking his head. “I’m not scolding him, Cat. I’m scolding you. For letting yourself be treated like shit. For not standing up for yourself for once in your life. The time when it really matters. Let’s say he’s a great dad. Fine. I’m sure he will be. But he’ll be here because he has to be, Cat. He’ll be here because he’s obligated. And the whole time, he’ll be in love with someone else.” Ethan’s rage was chased by a sort of ache, and he looked to the floor. “I love you, Cat. And I know it’s not enough. It’s never been enough. It’ll never be enough. Because I don’t deserve you. But you know what?” Ethan came to stand, dropping the screwdriver carelessly at his side and setting the instructions for the crib on Catalina’s bed. “Neither does he.” With that, he turned away, leaving Catalina alone. 

Catalina brushed her tongue along her lower lip as she let her eyes focus on him. “I haven’t exactly been warm and welcoming,” she mentioned, thinking of how difficult she had been shortly after Scott’s confession. She knew that was probably the roughest part of the pregnancy was putting it all aside to focus strictly on their daughter and right now all she wanted was for the both of them to be on the same page about raising her. “He’s been to every appointment and I know he’ll be there once she decides to make her debut into the world so I’m not worried about it.” She said, not removing her eyes from him. “He will be around when it counts. Right now, it… He doesn’t need to wait on me hand and foot. All he needs to do is be the father I know he’ll be. That’s what matters.”

-

“Warm and--he cheated on you!” Ethan’s voice rose, frustration painting his tone. He didn’t mean to be so brash, and quickly quieted, though his murmurs were harsh, edged with anger. “Do you know what happened when I cheated on my wife, Cat? She left me. She didn’t have to be warm and welcoming to me. I fucked up. I fucked up, and she caught me, and she left me. I got what I deserved.” This was not something Ethan oft admitted, feeling as though each slight in life was a grave injustice, typically. But it was unfathomable, to him, that Scott Gallego was a good enough person that it deemed his indiscretion moot. “This doesn’t count? Getting your child’s crib ready, packing your bag for the hospital, picking out nursery colors with you? That’s not something you think the father of the child you’re carrying should be around for?”

Catalina let her eyes drift towards him, tilting her head to the side when he mentioned how he shouldn’t be the one helping her with the crib. Breathing out as she thought about the last text message exchange between her and Scott, shaking her head a little. “Uh, the last thing we talked about… I asked if him there was anything I could do to help him and he told me it wasn’t my job so…” She raised her hand up towards the back of her head, brushing her fingers through the strands of her hair as she settled with the embarrassment that had provided in her chest. It truthfully made her feel pathetic to be extending out bridges like that after everything he put her through. “Whenever we really talk it’s just about her so… I just.” She shook her head, glancing down towards her stomach. “I don’t know.”

-

“To...to help him with what, Cat?” Ethan furrowed his brow, frustrated. “He should be here helping you. Building this thing, for starters, but--the rest of it, too.” Ethan, for his part, had been effectively standing in simply because he’d been delegated the role, and it granted him an excuse to remain in Catalina’s life, picking up the broken shards that Scott had effectively left it in. It made him feel useful, really. It made him feel wanted. Nevermind that he’d failed his wife, and nevermind all that he’d done wrong. He shook his head. “I’m not--I know, you’re gonna figure it out, and whatever. I know. But this baby’s coming, Cat, and he’s nowhere to be fucking found. It’s just--it’s bullshit.”

Catalina’s hand rested upon the top of her bump. Four more weeks and somehow she still didn’t feel ready to face what life was truly going to look like after her and Scott’s daughter was born. Of course, the brunette still didn’t know how to handle the situation between her and her husband. The both of them hadn’t actually been married in months and it was something she knew was unfair to the both of them but she also didn’t want to do anything to stress out her daughter so it was a topic she kept on the backburner despite the fact that her last conversation with Dani was something played over and over in her head. Honestly, if it hadn’t been for all the time she was spending with Ethan… It would have been harder. But it did have her thinking about what her life would have been like if she never lost their baby. A little laugh left her as her eyes focused on the man. “I’m sure she’ll appreciate all the efforts you went through to make sure it is. Her mama surely appreciates the crap out of you.”

-

Ethan smirked, bemused by Cat’s clear amusement and their easy rapport. It had always been like this with Cat: simple. When he’d arrived initially, he had come with the solitary purpose of getting Cat back, her loss resounding in his life following his divorce and in the loneliness he faced. He had no solid plan, no intention beyond recapturing what he’d lost. He had been willing to wait Scott out, had been willing to bide his time, until Catalina ultimately decided what she wanted: Ethan, of course. But then a baby entered the picture, shifting everything immeasurably. Ethan wasn’t actually prepared for what might happen once the baby was born, what responsibility Catalina might lay at his feet, and as her due date grew closer, Ethan tried more and more not to think about it, relegating it to the back of his mind. Still, one thought in particular gnawed at him, and he’d been stifling it for some time, not daring to rock the boat. “Of course,” he demurred, looking back down at the pieces scattered upon the floor. “I’m happy to do it. I guess it just...kinda feels like I’m not the one that should be helping you with this stuff.” He shrugged. “Have you heard from him at all?”

Ethan had no grasp any longer on what his life had become.  He didn’t even bother to wonder anymore how he’d gotten to this point, what had shifted inside of him. He hadn’t heard from Olivia in months--hadn’t even needed to contact her during the divorce proceedings outside of a text to inform her he’d gotten the papers and signed them--and he found he wasn’t sorry for this fact. Being with Cat, in a way, freed him from the responsibility of his life. He felt childlike once again, with little expectation placed upon him from anyone. It seemed so long ago, now, that he’d been schmoozing with donors and filing QRDOs for his wealthy, elderly clients who were looking to leave their wives for younger women. Now, he stood in Catalina’s childhood bedroom, a screwdriver in one hand and the instructions for assembling the crib Catalina had spent months picking out in the other. He squinted in confusion. “Insert leg A into--I already did that. Okay. Then why isn’t...” Catalina’s soft laugh from her perch on her bed caused him to jolt his head up, and he shook his head, just slightly exasperated. “So help me God, this better be the best crib in the world.”

All the drama with Scott had been put on the back burner the moment his confession left his mouth especially since she had already been fully aware of the baby growing inside of her. She followed him towards the bar, noticing the tension in his shoulders and knowing what a shitty situation it could feel like. It was a feeling she had back when he first had gotten married and brought her home to meet his family. Chewing on her lower lip, her eyes raised up to look at him as a small smile came across her features, glancing down at her bump before looking back up at him. “You’d be the only one to notice,” she said quietly. After pulling her gaze from Scott, her head shook at Ethan’s question. “The only thing Scott and I talk about is our daughter. The only time we talked about anything else was that night I went to go get tacos other than that I kind of avoid talking to him. I know there’s more we have to talk about but right now the only important thing is making sure our little girl is healthy and is stress-free.” She said as she leaned in towards the bartender. “I’ll get a Shirley Temple.”

-

Ethan furrowed his brow, somewhat dissatisfied. “I get that. Placing the baby first, and everything. But, like...what about after she’s born? Have you guys figured out what you’re going to be doing, you know, long term?” He wasn’t particularly sure why he was asking; a part of him, he supposed, was now invested--in Catalina, in her life. He wasn’t even sure where he fit into it, realistically. But it wasn’t as if he’d stopped ever caring about her--he’d deleted the message she’d left him announcing her pregnancy out of a deep sense of shame, a desire to completely erase his misdeed, not because he sought to terminate their connection. He would always, in whatever way, love her. “Not--I know you don’t wanna stress yourself out. But I just think...it’s one of those things you should figure out sooner, rather than later.”

Catalina turned her head to look over at him, giving him a soft smile as she nudge him gently with her arm. “What would I do without you?” He had been the only reason she didn’t feel like such a fucking idiot. How she could stand to be out and about with a twenty-two week bump and the rumors flying through this town like wildfire. Her eyes drifted around the inside of the room, finding Scott in the matter of seconds. She inhaled as she shook her head a few seconds later. “We shouldn’t bail. We should enjoy ourselves and plus I’m dying for a Shirley Temple.” She teased as she slipped her hand into the crease of his arm, glancing over at him. Her eyes drifted down towards the high heels she was wearing, chuckling lowly. “I’m just happy they feet my swollen feet. I wanted to look nice… for at least one night.”

-

Ethan followed Cat’s gaze as she found Scott with laser precision, and discomfort bubbled within him. He hadn’t actually assumed that Scott would be so bold as to show his face, let alone without the woman he pretended to love enough to marry. The entire thing left a bad taste in Ethan’s mouth, and he steered toward the bar with Cat in tow, eager to get her drink--and himself something a bit stronger. “You always look nice,” he murmured unthinkingly, garnering the bartender’s attention with a raised hand; even very pregnant, Catalina was undeniably gorgeous. If nobody in this room knew any better, they’d likely just assume Ethan was a lucky man. He let his eyes wander over Catalina’s head toward her husband, and his voice was low as he casually inquired with genuine curiosity, “Did you have any idea he’d be here?”

special delivery - @ethanmendoza​

Catalina walked into the main room, holding her clutch in her hand as she stood next to Ethan, glancing around. “Maybe doing this was a mistake,” she muttered. Things were still rocky between her and Scott despite the wedding ring on her finger which she was only wearing for two reasons; the Catholic in her who probably wouldn’t take it off until the papers were filed and signed and the fact her fingers were swollen sausages so it wasn’t an option at the moment. “Maybe the whole pizza and wings idea was better,” she said as she brushed her fingers along the little purse. It was more evident now that she was expecting and the last thing she wanted was to see Scott all over Dani. Although, if she was honest it wasn’t a subject she brought up to her so-called husband. She turned her head to look over at Ethan. “Thanks for coming with me by the way… It means a lot.”

-

“Well, we can always bail in fifteen minutes and go grab a burger if this isn’t worth our time,” Ethan said, half anticipating as much. Eureka was...fine, but he’d grown used to events thrown with his family money in L.A., and present circumstances didn’t really incite a great deal of confidence that this would quite match that level. Still, he’d agreed to come--mostly as a show of solidarity, a weird sense of obligation. Somehow, Ethan had found himself in this peculiar predicament, watching as Catalina grew more and more pregnant while becoming even farther removed from his own life. This had become his existence: helping her, catering to her, making sure she had what she needed. Maybe it was boredom. Maybe it was a misplaced sense of guilt, trying to make up for his failure to step up before, trying to validate himself to her--and to himself. “You don’t have to thank me, Cat. I’m glad I could come with you,” he said. “I’m glad you wanted me to come with you. But we don’t have to stay long, if you’re not interested. Or if your feet start to hurt. I can’t imagine those things are great for them,” Ethan acknowledged, glancing down at Cat’s heels. 

EVENT 006 / underneath moonlit skies

Catalina: Yeah, it's all good.

Catalina: It was confusing but... I think it's good. He wants to be apart of the baby's life. I think there is more to work through but we'll figure it out.

Catalina: It's okay I'm already half way there.

Ethan: Well I can't say I'm surprised there.

Ethan: I'm glad you got it done, though. Do you feel better?

Catalina: Scott knows.

Ethan: ...once again gonna toss it out: is everything okay?

Catalina: Taco night was interrupted I'm heading back to the truck now in hopes for a fresh taco.