just what I am

Ben extended his hand to shake the man’s for a proper greeting. He was glad to know that he wasn’t really alone at the feeling of being a bit taken back by the whole experience. He snorted smiling “Seems like I’m doing that too. Is it bad that I feel like a big fail for letting get back to me? I want to say it will be this one time, but seems that I’m fooling myself.” He took the cigarette and put it in his mouth and light it up taking one big blow and sighed “I know It’s just all in my mind but this makes the reunion somewhat better.” He turned to look at Ethan and nodded “Yeah I was recommended to do it since the whole private thing therapy it’s not my thing.” He keeps feeling a little weird out that the guy was looking at him, like looking for something but then again Ben also felt he knew him, but was too shaken up to ask.

Seeing a hand extended to him, Ethan took it with a light shake of his head for not offering first. “Nah, we all have our faults. And right now, it feels like a pretty good crutch, yeah.” He smiled. Besides, there were worse things they could have been doing, not that smoking needed any justification. With all of this therapy stuff anyway, it was possible they could both eventually quit for good. Ethan took a drag of his cigarette and nodded. So, that ruled out having crossed paths with him here. “I’ve been here a few times now. I don’t know if it helps ease your mind any, but listening is welcomed. You don’t have to jump in right away if you don’t want to. Feels less like an interrogation.” Because Ethan had yet to really say anything in the group himself, mostly listening to the others. “Sorry... I feel like we’ve met before. Are you from around here?” Ben. Benjamin... He knew a couple Ben’s way back in high school. But if that was where they’d met, Ethan went by his birth given name then.

Benjamin was trying to be more open, he was told that perhaps going to group therapy could work better than just stay and talk to one stranger all alone, that maybe hearing others could help him open up more, after all, it’s said that saying some things out loud made them less painful, it made them less consuming, but there were some things he could never really tell. He knew the exact number of the people he killed in the field, he knew the exact time his brother died, the number and names of each one of the people he lost by his side and some many other things that he repeated to himself every night before he closed his eyes so he would never forget them, but saying them out loud was just impossible. 

Ben has sworn not to smoke again but hearing the stories of the rest of the people it was making him way more anxious that he had prepared his mind for. He offered a smiled to the man next to him but not really paying much attention he just stood quiet listen to the guy. “It’s supposed to be easy knowing that you are not really alone, but it isn’t.” He heard his name and turned to look at the guy and notice a familiar face “Yeah, you are Ethan, right?” He knows offered a smiled and sighed “I actually fooled myself quitting but I don’t think I can go back in without one, so yeah, I’ll take one.”

“Yeah, something like that.” It all definitely had him thinking about things more, considering he’d gotten so used to just... compartmentalizing everything in the back of his mind. Personal matters, work related incidents. Family and friends. “That’s me.” Ethan chuckled, nodding. “I feel you. What started as a bad habit from peer pressure seemed to stick around through the years. I quit for a while and seem to find my way back.” Setting one on his lips, he offered one to Ben before slipping the pack back into his pocket, giving a light. Ethan couldn’t help trying to study his face a bit, trying to figure out where it was that he would have seen him before if it wasn’t here. “Is this all new to you? Group therapy?”

Group therapy. It wasn’t Ethan’s cup of tea by any means but if he’d learned anything over the years, it was that it couldn’t hurt to give it a try. And so far, for the most part, he was still trying to get accustomed to it. Mostly sitting back and listening while everyone else shared. Because Ethan was a private guy. Hell, he couldn’t even open up to his own brother about a lot of shit. But this was one way of trying to get to that point. Right? 

Walking outside and getting some fresh air, he recognized one of the guys. “Feels like a weird concept, doesn’t it? Talking to strangers instead of friends and family.” Ethan patted his pockets down in search of his pack of cigarettes and lighter. He didn’t think he’d seen the guy around very much but then again, it felt like there were new faces every time he showed up here. It was hard to keep track. “Ben, right? You smoke?” 

“You know how people always say they’ll start their new diet on Monday?” Ian asked as he took a deep breath of his cigarette, smiling a little embarrassed. “Well, I’ve been saying I’ll quit this little thing every day but I always end up postponing it and now I’m just giving up. I don’t think I really want to quit”

Ethan had to chuckle. Of course he was aware of that so-called tradition, starting new habits or breaking old ones with the start of the week. It was just as bad as people who tried to make New Years resolutions just because it was the first day of a new year. “Well hey, either you do or you don’t. Why are you trying to quit? Maybe you should start there.”

“No, hyung we’re okay.” Seok replied with honesty. Regardless of how distant their relationship had gotten, if he truly needed the help, he would’ve asked, which meant that they could handle this. “Jinah’s out with her friends. She’s finally getting over her morning sickness and now Sean fell ill, so I told her to go and have a nice night out with her friends.” Seok realized then that not many people knew about his fiancée’s pregnancy, Hyun being one of them, so he smiled, gently bouncing with Sean as he walked around their kitchen. “She’s pregnant.” He announced, planting a kiss on Sean’s head. “She told us on Christmas morning… I think this one is still getting used to the idea of being a big brother. How are things on your end?”

Andrew tried to find the best way to express himself, since he didn’t think proposing in public was that bad, it just wasn’t his thing. “I guess I don’t like bringing attention on myself like that. Having everyone around witness that special moment, I don’t know, not my cup of tea, I guess, and I doubt it’s Rory’s anyway” He shrugged, since even when he said he wasn’t proposing any time soon, he did imagine Rory being the one he would propose eventually. “And don’t even get me started on the ifs, if she says no it makes it much worse if it’s in a public place, don’t you think?” He asked him, smiling. “Your brother did, really? That’s cool, you must be happy for him”

Ethan nodded because he totally agreed there. “Maybe it’s a generation thing. Or they’re hoping someone will record it and it’ll go viral, who knows. I’ve seen a video of a proposal in a GameStop, of all places. But it was their thing and it worked.” Proposing in private still sounded a lot more appealing but if he had to do it any other way, the video gaming couple had the right idea at least. A proposal that fit the couple. “I don’t think it’s Rory’s style either. But judging by the way that just sort of came out naturally, I’m guessing it’s something you’re considering?” He took another swig of his beer with a chuckle. “Kinda feels like you’re fucked if she says no, regardless of where it happens. It’s a bit of an awkward situation in general. But I think you’d be able to tell whether or not you’re both there before proposing. — Are we talking about Rory here? Have you guys talked about any of this stuff?” Obviously things must have been going pretty well. “Yeah, I am. Probably more than he’d ever know.” In all honesty, happy was an understatement. But he didn’t want to get into all of that right now and figured they should stick to one subject at a time anyway.

“I’m not trying to do anything, Ethan Chambers.” Rory rolled her eyes in full mockery as she spoke his name and took a seat across from him. “I am telling you that you look like shit. Ever heard of a nap? Maybe a facial mask?” She teased him. It was always fun to imagine them together in the past. They were both very serious people, career driven and all that, but at least, Rory knew how to let go from time to time. Ethan always seemed very—drawn back. “They, did. I’ve been out for ten minutes…” She then raised her hand, showing him her fingers crossed as she stole another french fry from his and popped into her mouth. “Here’s to hoping it stays like that. I deserve this lunch break. When else am I going to poke fun of you?” Despite their break up, they had managed to remain good friend, so that was good. That’d always been good. “Not much is up. Basically just working… trying to get this surgeon to call me Ms. Hastings instead of Mr. Hastings and studying my ass off to prove that I can be both a woman and good surgeon, but oh well. What about you? I heard you’re becoming an uncle again! Congratulations! You should buy me lunch to celebrate.”

Leaning back in his seat, Ethan slowly nodded with a smirk. “That’s okay, get it all out of your system. Feel better now?” He had to laugh. Rory was always straightforward and he supposed this time wasn’t any different. But it was nice. Even though she was telling him that he looked like shit. “Wow, ten whole minutes. That must be a new record. I don’t know. I might have to start planning my lunch breaks differently.” Of all the people and relationships Ethan had experienced, however short-lived they might have been, he was glad that Rory stuck. That they were able to remain close friends after breaking up. “Has this surgeon never met you? I will be more than happy to watch you knock him off his pedestal. Sounds like he could really use it, and then some.” And obviously, she didn’t even need to clarify that it was a male surgeon, it was there in the context: asshole. “Personally? Nothing really. I have a new partner I’ve been training. She’s pretty cool. Honestly glad I’m the one that’s training her.” Because even in his field, there were guys that really shouldn’t, well... be anywhere near a law enforcement occupation. At the mention of becoming an uncle again though, Ethan smiled. “I am, yeah. I’m excited for them. Glad everything worked out.” He had a feeling that they would eventually get back together, and he was glad they did. Engaged and pregnant too. Sometimes he worried it might have been too fast but it wasn’t like this was completely new to Seok or Jinah, having already been together for years. Maybe he just worried in general. Chuckling, he threw his hand up. “Get whatever you want then, you know I don’t care.”

“Don’t take me wrong, I’m not proposing but how do people even do it?” Andrew asked as his attention diverted from the couple who had just gotten engaged in front of everyone. “Like, it’s embarrassing, isn’t it? I could never do something like that, it’s too cheesy for me”

Don’t take me wrong, I’m not proposing. Of all the words that came out of Andrew’s mouth, those were the ones that hit Ethan as he tore his attention away from the newly engaged couple and raised an eyebrow at the man beside him. “Yeah, I would rather keep it private. But to each their own. Some people like having the audience and attention.” Ethan took a sip of his drink, trying not to focus too much on Andrew’s previous words since he wasn’t sure how to interpret them. “My brother proposed recently. He’d probably be the better one to ask.” He gave a small smile. “Why embarrassing, though?”

(– @ethanchambers

When Rory saw him, sitting alone with his back facing the window (and she would recognize that back and haircut anywhere—-especially so close to the police precinct), she didn’t hesitate in stepping into the burger joint placing her hands on his shoulders from behind. “Ethan Chambers!” She squeezed his shoulders a little bit, leaning to his side with a smile so that Ethan could see her, after all, she shouldn’t have even sneaked upon a detective, yet, here she was. “You’re under arrest for having lunch on your own!” With a fun giggle, she pressed a kiss on his cheek and walked around him, taking a seat across from Ethan and stealing one of his fries. “How come every time I see you, you look like you haven’t slept in a week?” Despite the fact that they had broken up several years ago, Rory still cared deeply about Ethan and even more after meeting Jinah, even though she doubted she would ever like his brother that much. “Too much work, E?”

There were very few people that would approach him the way he had just been, so when he glanced over to find Rory, he wasn’t too surprised. “You got me.” Ethan put his hands up in mock surrender with a laugh before gesturing to the seat across from him for her to join. “I think I feel a little offended. Are you trying to say I look like shit?” he watched as she stole one of his fries, raising an eyebrow and grabbing one for himself. “Nothing really out of the ordinary. They let you leave the hospital, and the place still hasn’t fallen apart?” Ethan always thought she excelled at her career, and so he’d tease every once in a while when the rest of the staff and residency seemed to actually make it on their own. “So, what’s up? Did you already eat?”

With Sean being stuffy and with a mild running fever, Seok was exhausted… They had barely slept for the last couple of days, but since Jinah was finally starting to move on from her morning sickness, of course he didn’t have the heart to tell her he couldn’t handle sick Sean alone and deprive her from having fun with her friends. Then, Hyun texted him and he felt even more confused, but again, he didn’t have the heart to say no. Seok had just managed to calm Sean down from a crying fit for not being able to breathe properly when there was a knock on his door, so he unlocked it while trying to balance Sean in his arms and shot his older brother and apologetic look. “Would you be okay with cooking alone? The little guy’s sick, so I’ll have to keep an eye on him, I don’t know how much help I’ll be able to give.” Seok pressed a kiss to Sean’s head, then turned around so that his son could see his godfather. “Look who’s here, Sean-ah. It’s  삼촌. Do you want to say hi?”

As soon as Sean picked his head up enough from Seok’s chest to look over at him, Ethan could tell he wasn’t feeling well. “Yeah, of course...” If he had known Sean was sick, he would have offered to pick something up for him while he was out. Placing the back of his hand against his nephew’s forehead, he frowned. “Hey, big guy. Not feeling well, huh?” He ran his hand over Sean’s back momentarily before stepping in and closing the door behind him. Ethan had never been the most affectionate person but it was somehow a bit easier with his nephew. He slipped his shoes off and took the food to the kitchen while calling out over his shoulder. “Do you guys need me to pick anything up for him? Is Jinah here?” If she was, he figured he would have already run into her. But maybe that was just him trying to find a place to start for conversation. 

“Right-and I do eat at my own restaurant, but I’m trying not to do it alot,” Kaira told him with a little chuckle. “And it is, even though I’m the boss.” she nodded, glad that he liked the restaurant. “It is-I live there and I love it. I get to go to the beach whenever I want, and also I live near it, so it’s kinda of a win-win to me.”

Ethan smiled. “I’m sorry, live near what? The restaurant?” He wasn’t sure what she was referring to but based on context, he figured that was what it was. “It’s definitely a win-win if you don’t have to travel far for work and you live near the beach.”

She shook her head while chuckling. ‘Oh no, I don’t work there-I actually own it.” Kaira answered. “I just come in and see how everything is, sometimes help out when I can, and other times I eat there.” But it was good to meet someone who came to her restaurant, even if she was so busy that she don’t stop by ad say hello. 

Ethan leaned back in his seat and nodded. “I guess that makes sense then. And why not eat at your own restaurant, right? Probably a pretty good discount too,” he joked. “I know a few people I work with stop in on a fairly normal basis. I just don’t venture into Birdridge Bay as much myself. Nice neighborhood, though. And—nice restaurant. Of course.”

70 60 horrible questions … Fuck it

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?

“Considering it’s not something I say very often, there’s a 100% chance that it was my brother.”

10: When was your last physical fight?

“Few months ago, give or take? Kinda got suspended for a few days.”

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

“Not necessarily one of my proudest moments but yeah.”

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

“I know I have. I’m still trying to fix it.”

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

“Oh, wow… Uh, not really sure but I was pretty young. I hung out a lot with a girl that lived next door and we were curious kids.”

58: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

“That’s fine with me-it’s means that I have more,” she cooed as she started to pick up another piece of her cookie that had fallen on her small take-out tray when she heard the question. “I don’t think so-unless you come to Hermosa a lot-then I would’ve met you then…”