Into the wild

“Mechanical engineering” MInho replied, people usually didnt ask more about his career because it sort of confused them, but he figured that since he asked he could explain a little further. “I’m working on a team with a research for a reactor conversion to Low Enriched Uranium fuel, so that’s kind of cool”

Benjamin smiled, mechanical engineering was probably one of the coolest in his opinion but before he could say anything the guy mention what he was working on it and he opens his eyes surprised “Sounds like that’s big, if you achieved it what kind of use would it have?”

“I’m an engineer student” Minho replied. He did know how to write, but like, not in a creative and formal way, he only wrote reports and tests and well, he liked formulas much better. Numbers were safe, they were the same here and in Korea. Words and grammar were too different and complicated. Heck, he wasn’t even sure if he spoke English correctly, how could he write it?

Math was the reason why he stayed away from engineering, he founded incredibly interesting, but numbers and formulas were never his things, still meeting engineers were usually very interesting for him, especially because he founded like very smart people. He smiled at the guy and tried to keep the conversation “Great career. What branch?”

Minho didn’t need such a large explanation, he liked simple conversations and he figured he could have saved a lot of words by just going to the point, so he shrugged, since he wasn’t really interested not because he was mean, he just didn’t know this man so of course he wouldn’t have a personal interest in his story. “Well, that’s good then” He simply shrugged, glad to know he wasn’t the reason why someone would decide anything because he honestly thought he wasn’t worth of people taking important decisions just based on his opinion. 

Benjamin slowly nodded echoing the young man’s word “it’s good.” There was not much to say to it, after all, it was a good idea to stop and think about something else, and try again some other time, rather it was said by a stranger or by a friend. He took a sip of his coffee “So you mention not knowing shit about writing but what do you dedicate to?”

“Something wrong…?” Joon wasn’t sure if that was something Ben wanted to get into right now, or at all. But he didn’t think Ben was a bad guy by any means. What could possibly be wrong with him? “You wouldn’t have to be super detailed about it or anything. Just focus on the now. And why you want to do this.” Joon nodded. “That’s a good attitude to have, though. And you might be in trouble but I’m sure you already have a little bit of a head start working with Noah. He can probably help you out too. I’m sure it won’t be that bad.” He was trying to be positive again because that seemed to be better than simply saying, no you’re going to struggle. Joon had faith in him.

Ben smiled “I think I can do that, I just have a hard time to let it flow, have you seen the movie 8 miles. If you haven’t is not really important, all tho is a good movie. But the point is, they talk about when rappers are in battles and they choke, they can’t put words together or even say anything. You have dozen of things going on your mind, but none of them work. I got to that point, I keep choking, I try to write something and I choke.” He smiled “I don’t really want to bother him that much, he has done so much for me already, I want to do this without bothering him more than asking him to write me a recommendation.” He moved back his attention to the young man in front of him, offering him a smile and putting the ball right back at his side “You still owe me some lessons. Want to be your student before you turn out to be some big-time teacher and I can’t afford to pay you back.”

“Instead of talking about your childhood killing bunnies, maybe focus on why you joined the army. To keep your brother safe, right?” And if she could remember, he hadn’t survived. Not like she would point that out because not only it was unnecessary, but it was also cruel. “Everything that you just told me seems way better than what you first wrote. It makes people relate with your story instead of painting you as a psychopath, because… you know that’s how people see children that kill animals.” She chuckled, trying to make a joke, but she wasn’t sure if her timing was right. “Then don’t go back to the original point. Delete and start over.” She shrugged. Starting is the hardest part, but once you do, it’ll get better. Why don’t you start by talking about your relationship with your brother? So when it comes to the point of you joining the army to protect him, it doesn’t feel detached or disconnected.”

Benjamin swallowed and hear her. This was going to be not only harder because of the writing but because he had to deal with the ugly truth, he hasn’t dealt with his trauma and expressing it was too scary. Ben selected all that he had been typing and deleted on one tap. He stayed in silence looking at the white paper on the screen, sighed and closed his eyes. If he wanted to be someone, he had to find a path, if he wanted to be someone people could be proud of he had to break his need to be someone’s shadow and be himself. So he had to do this, he had to be a Vet, maybe to join the Veterinary Corps, stop hiding behind Noah.

To write this essay have been one of my hardest tasks, I have ever forced myself to do. Just like many stories mine starts with a death, I lost my brother in battle, it was because of him that I enlist in the first place and it was because of his death that I stayed there until I was injured. 

Since we were little my plan was never to become someone, but to be with someone and that was him. Losing him left me empty, broken and lost. I didn’t have something to go back to, so I stayed in the army, to serve and to obey more than to deal with the fact that I had nothing to move forward. But my gateaway didn’t lasted as much as I wanted, I was injured and I was left uncapable of keep serving as sniper, my sight was not the same and I was send back to the country empty.

He sighed turned to watch Beth “You know you are a very honest and forward person, we don’t know eachother much, probably after this you will know more about myself that I would feel comfortable about. but would you like that guy or would you like to want to hear his story?” 

Joon tilted his head with curiosity. “You’re applying to college? — Writing something impressive about yourself isn’t hard. You can write about… maybe what your childhood was like, then you went into the military? Working as a veterinary assistant. And then you can explain what made you decide to do those things, and why you’re going to college.” That was a pretty basic outline but it could work. He rubbed at his eye before running his fingers through his blue hair. “I don’t mind. I mean, it’s not easy. I guess it depends on who you ask and what your major is because you’ll get different answers. But I’m mostly just trying to get my, um… prerequisites? Finished. It only gets harder the further you go.” Which was a scary truth to face for Joon considering he already felt like he was struggling with some stuff. “Do you have a major in mind?”

He smiled sadly “You know when you put it like that sound pretty simple, quick, easy, actually, but there’s something wrong with me that makes that harder than you can imagine.” Ben shrugged “But I’m going to do it, no matter how hard it is or how long it takes.” He listens with attention to his friend and nodded “I’m thinking about becoming a veterinarian.” He sighed and smile at Joon “I’m in trouble with a health major, ain’t I?”

Larissa smiled and nodded as the other person listed what he was going to order for himself. They’d never been much of a sweets kind of person… I mean, they had liked Dal’s cupcakes the other day and they loved whatever Shawn would bake them, but other than that… eh. “Basically a little bit of this and that. I’m trying to get my ass back into acting, but it’s hard to find something I care enough about. You?”

He smiled at them listen to their very light chat, but it was nice to catch up that she was into acting, at least he could ask them more about that. “Me? You know a little bit of this and that actually works for me too, but I’m working at the Vet clinic, not a veterinarian tho, I’m kind of like the nurse. Back to you, why don’t you do something that makes you interesting enough? I mean I know how hard is to write something, I can’t write shit as hard as I’m trying. But what about looking over the internet a monologue you like, maybe do a small play you enjoy and turned into a short film that you can do with some friends, you know while you find something perhaps bigger that will make you all exciting.” 

Minho looked at him surprised “That’s it?” He asked him, unsure of why the man seemed so quick to agree with his words “I’m a stranger, I know nothing about writing and I tell you to stop and you stop?” Minho didn’t really care about what others thought, so it wasn’t often that he followed a stranger’s advice, so maybe that’s the reason why he found it so weird that the other agreed so quickly.

Benjamin raised his eyebrow and chuckled, he slowly shook his head. He didn’t have to really explain himself, but he figures why not doing it “You wake up feeling great cause is your free day, you have shit to do but it’s your free day, so wake up early to a broken bike that doesn’t start on, you come back to your house to a computer that keeps showing up some crazy error and needs to take it to get it to fix, you don’t really have anything good on your fridge, so you go to your favorite place, to see they are not opening that day. You force yourself to keep your mind to work no matter what but it doesn’t. Then yeah I think is better than I just take a break and recalculate the GPS of my brain, and in an hour and see if it was just how I woke up or life doesn’t want me to do anything today.” He shrugged “So yeah that’s it, but it’s not just because you, a stranger told me, it’s because life it’s been telling me to do it, you just seemed to come to deliver the message in a far more direct way” He said still putting the paper back in his notepad and taking a sip of his coffee “It’s just one of those days.” 

Joon swayed a little with Ben’s motions, blinking yet providing a small smile. “At least it’s something, right?” Something was better than nothing, even if it didn’t necessarily help with the writing process. He was just trying to be optimistic. “Oh? Essays are the worst. Getting started is the hard part. Once you get past that, I don’t think it’s too bad. But what’s it for?” Joon watched him for a moment until the question was directed at him. “Ah, I’m okay. Tired.” He had a little bit of a headache too but he didn’t want to complain. “The semester is ending and the exams are winning. How’re you?”

He smiled and nodded. It was nice to have Joon positivism around. “Yeap,  it’s something.” He felt a little relieved to know that maybe it was more common to not be able to get the essay right away, that it wasn’t like he was failing on his first try. “I’m struggling with that part actually. I’m applying to college, so I have to write something impressive about myself, but man, it’s hard.” He laughed a little “Oh, that sounds hard. I’m okay. Joon do you mind if I ask you more about it, you know exams, college, how is it? Is it hard?”

Minho didn’t know shit about writing. Sure, he wrote reports for school and now that he good a new job he had to write reports about the research he was working on, but there was no writer’s block because he had to write based on observation, not make it all up. So he couldn’t really relate to what this man was talking about, hence why he simply shrugged “Then don’t write if you can’t write something good” He wasn’t sure why he was even giving an advice, not like he thought his advice was good at all, but if the man didn’t want to hear it then he wouldn’t have asked, right?

Benjamin turned to look at the guy, then back to his paper and slowly rested his back on the chair, taking a deep breath and turned to look one more time to the guy next to him. “You know what, that’s probably one the best advice.” He closed everything and smile “Thanks, you know maybe today is not really the day, or well right now is not really the time to write shit.” 

Joon had decided to join Ben for a bit after work but he could feel himself starting to slowly crash. “I’m pretty sure you just said one, though. If that counts.” He rubbed at his eye. Ben had explained what he was writing before. Or at least Joon was pretty sure he had? Maybe? Either way, he couldn’t remember. “What’re you writing again? Or… trying to write?”

Benjamin smiled at his friend and grabbed him by his shoulders and pretended to move him from side to side hard, but he didn’t really move him much “Aren’t you a smart man?” He let him go and sighed “An essay, I have to write something that will impress people, but I’m not really doing a good job.” He decided to put everything to aside and focus on his friend “How are you, man?”

“Often.” Ris replied with a shrug as they let out a light chuckle. “Coffee sounds good. I can never say no to coffee. Maybe I’ll treat myself with a brownie, but I’m not deadset on it.” They nodded when Ben gave them some options on how to call him. “I’ll stick to Ben. It’s a nice nickname… not as serious as Benjamin and not as childish as Benji. I’m Larissa, but I usually go by Ris or Rissa.”

Ben smiled “Well next time I have a predicament you will be my go-to person.” He walked to the counter with the woman so they could both get their treats. “Then it will be a coffee and brownie for you and a smoothie and puff pastry pizza for me.” He smiled “That’s a cool name, I will stick to Ris. So tell me Ris, what do you do?”

When Ben asked if she could keep these things between them, she only nodded, moving her hand to rest on his shoulder and giving it a light squeeze. Hopefully, it would seem as encouraging as she hoped it would feel. Besides, who would she tell? Noah? Dal? No, these things were private and she knew that. She would’ve kept them as a secret even if Benjamin hadn’t asked her to. “I’m sorry you feel that way about yourself.” She pressed her lips together into a thin line, offering him a small smile as she brushed his short strands back in a soothing way. “I’ve been in your shoes, believe me… and—I don’t know how much will my words mean to you, but you’re a sweet guy. You’re very–selfless… You put your life at risk when you went to the army, and now you’re willing to change your life to help animals. I know it’s hard to see these parts of ourselves when we’re in a bad place, but… but there are lots of good things to say about you. You just have to be willing to see them.” With this, Beth pulled her hand away from his hair and rested them on her lap. “I don’t think it’s a weak concept, by the way. It’s better than talking about killing animals, you know?”

“Eh–I tend to be right often.” Ris shrugged rather smugly, before nodding at him. “Sure, I’d love a coffee. I’m having a rather boring day, so the distraction is always welcomed. How do they call you?”

He smiled “Really, how often?” Ben listened to her realizing that his day wasn’t exactly an exciting one “Great, are you in for a coffee or something else?” He smiled “People call me Ben, Benjamin or Benji also work, let you pick. What about you?” 

Since writing was a process, Beth figured she could take her time taking her shower. She washed her hair and exfoliated her skin, before leaving her bathroom with a towel wrapped around her body and another around her hair.  She sent Noah a text to check how his day was going, before blow drying her hair and picking something comfortable to wear. With her phone in hands, Beth went back to the dining area and stood behind Ben, her hands resting on his shoulders. “How’s the writing going?” She saw some things on his screen, so she figured he’d written things, which made her happy. “Can I see what you’ve written so far?” Beth sat down, pulling the laptop towards herself so she could read and well… that was interesting. She didn’t consider herself mean or anything, but… “Uh… listen, Ben… I don’t think you should be writing about killing animals in your college application. Why do you want to go to college? What’s your motivation?”

Ben stayed quiet and sighed “Can I ask you for something, whatever we talk here, it stays here, so as it what I write, I mean I know I’m going to send it, but please, can I get that?” He was worried about being the judge but he figures there was either judge for whatever shit he had going on his mind or judge for being a waste of her time. He rested on the chair “I want to go because I want to make something of myself, someone I can like. I know I have to write something but I seriously don’t like myself. I’m happy around animals because they seemed to like just because they do, no obligation, they just do. But writing that seems like a weak concept, I'm supposed to write about something that makes me special, to make me worth the acceptance, I have no idea where to start if I don’t have anything good to say about myself?”

Beth helped him with the pizza boxes, taking them to the dinner table not too far from them because she figured it would be a nice place to work at. Not that she thought Benjamin would do anything, but she didn’t want to take food into the small office/library she and Dal had started and she definitely didn’t want to take him to her room, so the dinner table would be it. When he mentioned not having brought anything, she frowned. “I thought I was going to help you with your writing? I can’t help you if you wrote nothing.” Beth then chuckled, her gaze falling on the weed bag. “Look, Ben… as much as I appreciate a good weed, you need to focus. Did you bring your laptop at least? How about you try to write something while I shower?”

Benjamin looked at her and nodded “I know, I really tried, but I really don’t know how to start anything.” He took out his notebook, a book and his laptop “I will try to do something, anything while you shower.” He felt bad for not actually bringing anything at all, it was just harder than he expected. “By the way, you never told me how much this was going to cost. Think about it and when you come back I will try to have you something and you can tell me how much do will I owe you.” He waited for her to leave so he could sit down on the dinner table and started to work at the text. It was hard to write about himself when he really wasn’t proud of himself, perhaps that was the main problem with writing down anything. 

I like animals better than people, that’s why I want to become a vet... He stayed watching that sentence a couple of seconds before deleting it letter by letter. The second phase, was even worst since he wrote around 5 times, you suck!. He was wasting time and really wanted to give Beth something to work with. He took a moment and decided to start writing anything to just gave her something. 

The first time I killed something was when I was 8, I hate every second of it, but it was a Cooper tradition to hunt your first animal at 8. It was that moment I realized just how terrible good I was with a rifle, it took me 4 shots to finally hunt what it would be the first and only rabbit. 

My father was proud, that day. The truth was a despised every second of it, I pretending to be bad at it for the rest of my childhood. It feels like a fate’s joke that once I entered the army they saw just the skill and made me a snipper.... I don’t know what I am doing!!!!! HALP!!!

Benjamin read the text and said to the screen “What are you doing moron?” 

Beth had just finished cleaning up her room. She’d spent the last few days cooped up in her room, trying to catch up with lost time from the week before and just writing. Since she was getting to the final chapters of her book, things were getting bit stressful for her, but she needed to suck it up. Once she was done, she started cleaning everything up and then took the dirty laundry basket to put her dirty clothes and bedsheets to the washing machine. She was ready for a shower when the doorbell rang and she remembered Ben was supposed to stop by with things for her to read.

“Oh?” She chuckled as she opened the door. “I didn’t, but pizza is welcomed. Come in.” Beth stepped aside, letting him in. "Do you mind if I take a shower before I go through your text?”

Benjamin came in, looking around with his hands all full with food “Thanks. Very nice house. I think I need to hire the two of you to decorate my place.” He smiled “Okay so where do I put this?” 

He slowly felt the back of his neck starting to get warmer “Yeah of course, but about that...” He looks at his backpack “There’s not really a text, yet... but I brought you something to make it up for it” He took out a back full of weed.