There's a pool full of stars but you can't jump;
I have seizures and they're always about summer nights, air thick with so much joy i can't help but shake.
So we've never learned how to be happy. Okay.
Summer nights. The drives in your car, your car, the blue sky and stars, later, the sand, sand everywhere, sand coming out of your mouth each time you laugh.
Drinks mixed with glitter and Love and everything around is alive. People become actual people, human beings that crawled through the dirt, just like you. You are so here, the lights in your eyes, your body a big firework.
Someone says let's go and you go.
It's so easy. You book a plane. It is summer—You are someone who can do these things.
Years later then, you'll tell me,
Once I had my body the way I wanted it.
There were times I was so empty I couldn't believe it. I told my friend, I feel like I am never fully here, like some part of comprehending is missing, everything is beautiful but my eyes are closed.
Only in my memory, meaning dreams do i see myself as vibrant, eyes opened, on the verge of the world, breaking through summer, inside the whole picture, which is a wall, which is why I'm never awake, Then—
My self reflecting in the pool, light dancing around me, no color escaping my skin, no sound i don't dive in, another drink, and another, my appetite a hole, the glitter in my stomach, the light around my hands.
In my dreams I am someone jumping in a pool and it is summer, and I am someone who is able to be happy without being sad.
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