esther baek

Most of the time I forget. You've just become a distant memory, locked away in a secret chest in the back of my mind. But every now and then, you peek out like a glow of soft gold light that slips through the crack.

Yes, I know we weren't right for each other. In fact, I don't even like you. You almost make me sick. The way you charade yourself through the crowd, being adored by all who don't see the dark story behind you. It drives me insane that you put on this play for others, even more that they love it. But even though I can't stand you, I miss you.

Maybe it's not you that I miss, but the memories. The memories of the old you. The old you and me.

Although we grew apart as we aged and changed, I can't help but feel an ache in my chest to this day when I remember the good times. That's the catch. Your heart doesn't care for the bad memories. It holds on to the ones that made it soar.

It holds on to the way you used to laugh at my lame jokes, gazing back at me with a twinkle in your eye. Or the time you were so excited to see me again that your face lit up, and you held out your arms arms to lift me in the air, embracing me in a hug. It remembers the warm summer night that we looked out into a field at the glowing fireflies, leaned up against your car, my head on your shoulder. The days where everything felt right in the universe. I remember. But you apparently don't.

Now don't get me wrong, I get it. You fell out of love. You changed and moved on. I truly understand. I've been on the other side of a breakup, and sometimes the most heartbreaking reason is that you simply don't love them anymore. Really, I get it. But that doesn't mean I don't still wish for things to go back to that night with the fireflies. To hold you again. To laugh with you again. To just be with you again.

It hurts my soul sometimes knowing that even though we've both moved on, I still miss the old days with you, knowing that it will never go back, ever again.

So, yeah. I miss you. I love you still. Always have, always will. Even while I can't stand you, I miss you. I wish there was a way out of it, but I don't think there is. Where does that lead us? I guess nowhere. But I just thought you needed to know.