Living

When I open my mouth to speak, sometimes, the words refuse to leave. I try fighting it - I write out everything beforehand, I’ll call a good friend for a pep talk, or act as my own personal cheerleader, accompanied by a kick ass playlist. Usually though, I am completely stuck. My silence is visited by jumbled words, combined with awkward sentences that don’t merely express everything going on inside my head, so why does it happen?

Sure, there is the obvious, the inevitable risk that comes with sharing and letting someone in as we saw when Brené Brown’s vulnerability Ted Talk went viral. Yet, what if it was not our own individual deficiencies?

Despite society and media pumping images of feminism throughout our brains that women are emotional, loving creatures, women we have been trained to quiet how we feel for fear of losing our relationships, our respect, or most concerning, coming off as emotional drama queens. What is most ironic about this phenomenon is that biologically, girls not only learn language earlier than boys but we have a more advanced set of language skills too. This advantage should inspire women to better understand their emotional experiences, because the more we do, the more we will develop healthier relationships, successful academic and professional careers.

As psychologist Jill P. Weber shares in her book, Having Sex, Wanting Intimacy: Why Women Settle for One Sided Relationships, women are modeled to bottle up feelings to the point where they begin to lose the ability to verbalize what is on their minds. Girls learn early, as they begin to notice how relationships run smoother when they do not express negative emotions, and as a result, Weber writes, [women] “begin to turn down the volume on [their] emotional worlds.” Women have been indirectly told that to preserve our relationships we better not get upset, or worse complain. Through internalizing feelings and relying on passive aggressive behavior, these coping mechanisms are ineffective and deplete one’s’ sense of emotional intelligence.

However, it is also who we are sharing our feelings with that can further complicate the process. Research shows that people are attracted to others who are on par with their own communication proficiency. Hence, if you already have poor communication skills you can bet you’ll be attracted to someone else who does as well. With impaired communication skills, people often resort to expressing their feelings through physical and sexual means, creating dysfunctional patterns and roadblocks for a relationship to deeply grow. The key is to break the mold and become masters at knowing ourselves emotionally. Studies show people with a wider awareness of feelings demonstrate healthier interpersonal adjustment, finer interpersonal adaptability in social situations, and sharpened cognitive complexity.

Sometimes the best way to start, is to first label what you are experiencing which will further help to distinguish different experiences. If you’re still stuck, try to notice what you are feeling physically (i.e. jittery, relaxed, nauseous) as these feelings are directly connected to the emotions we are holding in. Like many things in life, people are afraid of the unknown. Once we identify how we are feeling, we can better understand what we are experiencing, allowing us to cope more effectively.