ErynOutLoud

I hate feeling alone. I know I have people if I told them I was feeling this way, but I don’t want to bother people. I feel like once I start to get up again, I get knocked down. I can not keep feeling like this.

So I feel like 2019 is gonna be the year that pushes me to see if I’ll relapse and just self harm. Sooo we’ll see.

What’s the point anymore?

I want to start by saying FUCK YOU 2018! It was a year full of nothing I want to remember. The one good thing to come out of this year is I found my dog, she is the best thing to come into my life. She’s always there to love me when I don’t want to love myself. If I had it my way, I would have slept this year away.

When all you do is feel emotionally broken. I’ve been almost four years clean from self-harming, I’ve never wanted to do it as bad as I do right now.

I could be standing in a fully crowded room, but still feel like the only person on the planet. My boyfriend can be sleeping right next me, but I’m alone in my bed. The last time I didn’t feel alone? I can’t even remember. Music helps, it’s always there. But I don’t think it’s enough anymore.

Sometimes I like to think about the way that thing go without any help in pushing them in the direction they go. Then I think about everything I’ve done and what I could have said different. I’m usually not one to want to change the past. But my best friend is mad at me and she’s ghosting me. It’s really hard for me to just sit back and let her be mad without talking, I’m trying to give her the space she wants but I miss her. I miss talking every day. I miss having the person I want to tell everything to, but she’s pushing me away. I’m trying to respect her but it’s hard. I just got a really good career opportunity and I just want to tell her and her actually talk back to me. Is that too much to ask for? This has bugged me for almost a week and I haven’t said anything to her about it. Just messaged her random things every now and then.

Okay, so I get it people have issues. But I passed all my testout stuff for college and I graduate tomorrow. My best friend didn’t even say anything, so far anyways. I understand that she is going through something, her doctor told her she might want to consider a surgery she isn’t sure about, but am I being selfish? Selfish for wanting her to tell me she is proud of me and that I did a good job? I hate myself for wanting everyone’s approval, wanting everyone to tell me that I did good. Why do I have to be so bipolar with crap, and a self downer?

I hate feeling like every single part of my life is a fucking competition with someone.

What is the point of making friends when they are just going to let you down?

The amount of hate I have for myself is unreal. I have this feeling where one minute I’m okay, the next? I feel like I’m not liked by someone that I want to like me. We hangout, means nothing to them, atleast that’s what I get told by my inner self. The pain that I get when someone doesn’t like me isn’t what you think it is, it’s the fact that I hate myself so I want others to like me for me. Does that make any sense at all? No? Didn’t think so. I make no sense to myself, I have to be up at 6am for my day and it is currently 12:30AM. Why the hell am I awake you may ask, simple, someone I want to like me posted “like for a truth is..” to other people she knows that she loves them, mine? Just that she’s glad we’re friends and that I make her laugh. Why doesn’t that make me feel better? What the hell is wrong with me?!