soldierthon nation

someone asked me for a shorter skirt because they said, "sammy should be able to put his hand under it'', and i agreed

[[ GORETOBER DAY 10: SO WARM... DON’T KEEP IT INSIDE, LET ME SEE. ]]

I have realized I'm a little silly. I've been sitting here for ages saying that we need more SPN fics with physical disability in them, like, Jesus is there a serious lack of that... and yet at no point have i asked you all to contribute. So, that's what I'm soliciting this week. Disability headcanons. Both stuff they could feasibly have in canon (hearing loss Dean my beloved), and the completely divergent AUs you may have in your head. Just not mental illness/neurodivergence because a) we have loads of that, let's spread the focus to other stuff, and b) i already asked about that not that long ago.

- @schizosamwincester

i have less thoughts on this than i do on mental illnesses because so many physical disabilities would completely stop them from hunting, but i do have thoughts!

dean is far-sighted, and always has been. it’s one of the reasons why he struggles so much as school, and he never really figures out that it’s not normal for letters to look blurry, he just thinks he reads slowly because he’s stupid. he can see perfectly from far away and that’s what he needs when he’s hunting, so he never pauses to think that he might need glasses. john doesn’t notice either since it mostly affects dean’s schoolwork and the kid has plenty of reasons to take more time than others to learn how to read or write, after all he’s already not speaking much. and teachers never see him long enough to notice it before the winchesters move away. dean probably wouldn’t hate research as much if it didn’t give him awful headaches — he thinks it’s because it’s so boring, but he always has to squint to figure out sentences, and then his head hurts for hours. maybe castiel heals that when he brings dean back from hell, but dean doesn’t figure out immediately. he thinks everything looks sharper because of flashbacks, because he’s hyper aware of potential dangers, because everything reminds him of hell. since sam is the one doing research most of the time and dean has given up on reading books long ago, it takes him months to actually notice, and when it does he isn’t sure how he feels about it.

he also has hearing loss! and being exposed to so many explosions, gunshots and screams doesn’t help. he’s totally in denial about it, and when he asks sam to repeat things multiple times, at first sam just thinks that dean isn’t listening to him. on hunts, they mostly communicate through facial expressions and gestures anyway, to be more discreet, so dean figures it’s not like it’s impacting him that much, right? sam slowly figures it out though.

still on dean, that man has chronic pain. after hell, he still feels pain in places where he used to have scars that kept itching or that reacted to the cold/heat, even if they have disappeared. and as he gets older, his joints ache a lot more. most of the time he can just push through it since he’s used to pain and to doing things even when wounded. he thinks that he’s just not as fit as he used to be, but the few times he tries to exercise with sam don’t help. he can run fast if he has to, but now he needs a while to recover after. he can ignore the pain in his legs when the danger is there but as soon as he’s safe it catches up with him. pins and needles in his ankles, sharp pain in his joints, intense pain in his muscles that slowly fades and leaves him completely hyposensitive to touch in the areas that were previously painful. there are days his whole body aches so much he doesn’t want to get out of bed at all, even if he forces himself to do a few things. sam learns to recognize those days and to quietly do more tasks, these are the days he tries to cook or to order something, the days he joins dean in his room and suggest watching a movie, and if he finds a hunt he passes it on to other hunters if he can, because if dean hears about it he will try to go no matter how exhausted he is, and that has already led to him getting wounded more easily.

now, sam. obviously he has migraines. they start while he’s at stanford and it’s awful because all he wants is his older brother next to him, taking care of him like dean did whenever sam was sick. but he just has to handle them on his own, and then jess comes along and does her best to help. it’s linked to his psychic vision, of course, but it doesn’t stop when they do. when he’s on demon blood he doesn’t have any, his head is finally quiet and doesn’t throb, but it starts coming back whenever withdrawal begins. even after he completely stops using his powers, the migraines remain, and they get less frequent but also last longer, sometimes multiple days. dean learns to turn off all the lights, to stay quiet or only whisper, to do anything to make it easier on his brother, and he starts stealing more drugs whenever he gets the opportunity.

sam also has dysautonomia. he randomly gets dizzy and nauseous sometimes, he even passes out for seemingly no reason a few times. dean is terrified something will end up happening on a hunt and sam will get hurt, but sam isn’t as worried. he exercises all the time to get used to working out even when he feels terrible, to learn how to run even when he thinks he’s about to throw up or faint, he pushed himself until he feels he has enough control over his body. most of all sam hates the brain fog, when he can’t even sit down and read or research because it’s all too much for his brain (especially when it’s worsened by negative schizophrenia symptoms, like struggling with speech. but that’s not the topic here).

i think sam’s autoimmune system isn’t very strong. he gets sick easily, or at least way more than most hunters do. dean rarely catches anything (although when he does, it’s bad) but sam will get sick relatively frequently, and he often has a persisting cough.

Specifically about individual parts/alters, if possible. Like... How many are there? How many are aware they're part of a system? Do any have names for themselves/ each-other? Do they all have roles or are some just existing without knowing why? How do they each feel about Dean? About Sam? John? Cas?

I'd just love to know anything you're willing to share <3

thank you so much for this question now i have an excuse to talk about this more

how many are there — dean would have a lot of self parts i think, definitely multiple dozens especially after hell, maybe even a polyfragmented system. but not as many fully formed and distinct parts. many of them are similar to each other or share similar goals or purposes, others are extremely different. not all of them can be easily differentiated from one another.

do they have names — not exactly. some might have nicknames, especially parts that stay at a specific (young) age and might respond to "de" "boy" or "kiddo" better than "dean." and some introjects would probably answer to both dean’s name and the name of the original source (thinking about a mary caretaking introject being vaguely associated with the concept of "mom"). perpetrator-identified parts could maybe identify with said perpetrator’s name (thinking about alastair specifically) but not most of the time. overall i think dean’s self parts are not as distinct and differentiated as they can be in some systems, they are still close, they represent different self states and can be wildly different from one another but most of the time they don’t consciously identify as different people.

how many are aware that they are parts of a system — a good amount of them but none of them are aware of what a system is, if that makes sense. dean sees it as having different states of self and thinks it has to do mostly with emotions or situations, obviously you act/feel/think differently depending on the situation, he thinks it makes sense. there is a general awareness that different self states coexist and that he will feel very different if he is taking care of an injured sam than if he is alone after a hunt that just brought up his father, but that’s normal, so he doesn’t think of it as different parts. some parts have a better awareness of it, especially some of those that work to keep him productive and on his feet and that handle the organisation of the system, who holds what, how to force switches if necessary in a dangerous situation, etc, but also some perpetrator-identified ones — i think some parts associated with john or alastair would be a lot more aware of how dean’s dissociated mind and soul work. because they play with that. some parts do not have the awareness necessary to know about the rest because they are too lost in a specific moment, here i’m thinking about parts that do not have a fully distinct identity but that hold one memory or intense emotion, eg. a part who is 6 years old dean post-rape usually does not have the mental capacity to know about the rest of the system or to reach out, same for a part who holds one specific experience of torture in hell and only knows the pain and nothing else.

most of the time dean is aware that he has a system going on memory-wise to not remember everything all the time, but he figures everyone has it because he can’t just remember every trauma all the time, he can’t afford to be thinking about it, forgetting until it’s relevant is simply efficient self-preservation. but some parts will forget about the fact that they know they are forgetting, if that makes sense. some do not have the awareness that memories are being repressed and will go into shock or will always be unable to hold onto memories when they are brought up, another part will have to take over. the most developed parts who hold trauma memories are aware they are keeping it from the rest in order not to overwhelm the other parts so that dean can function; trauma fragments usually do not have that awareness since, as mentioned before, they hold a more intense and specific experience and find it difficult to be aware of other parts.

do they all have roles — they all have a role in that they all formed so that dean could stay alive, but not all of them have a distinctive and easily understood role within the system. some of them hold a very intense experience so that none of the others have to deal with the fullness of that pain: as mentioned before, one part might be constructed fully around a specific experience of torture and hold all that pain, so that even the other parts who know about said torture do not feel the fullness of it. some of them keep memories or previous states; dean has multiple younger self states, especially since he never got a real childhood. some of those younger self states are linked to a specific trauma experience, like the fire, multiple of them are selectively mute or even totally mute, some are formed around food insecurity, etc. perpetrator identified parts are somewhat programmed and follow the programming, so they endanger the system and alter dean’s view of himself. some parts hold dean’s gender dysphoria and other things about himself he cannot or will not think about most of the time. persecutors exist, mostly trying to protect the system but holding more anger and destruction; these are usually the ones who are able to feel angry at john. a good amount of parts are caretakers — said caretaking might be focused on dean but often caretakers are there to keep dean in a state where he is able to survive and to protect sam, and some of them have the explicit role of taking care of sam.

there is a general awareness in the system that sam is to be taken care of and protected at all costs, followed by everyone except maybe persecutor-identified alters and fragments who sometimes can’t be aware of the outside world. the vast majority of parts love sam, a few are scared of him if they’re linked to moments when sam went very far; some hold resentment against sam, like about stanford; many parts are in love with him if that’s something they are able to feel. overall there are obviously many complex emotions going on but the system remains built around the idea of loving sam and taking care of him.

different parts feel very different things about john, those who hold trauma memories are usually focused on desperation and either on incomprehension or on a desire to prove themselves good and be loved, depending on the experience they hold. parts oriented toward productivity in every day life and on hunts tend to be the ones who follow john relatively blindly. persecutors have the easiest time being angry at him, think dream a little dream of me. but those feelings just change a lot depending on what parts are aware of and what they focus on.

regarding castiel, i haven’t thought about it that much, i’d say some parts probably value him a lot more than others. many parts, especially ones formed early, are not aware of him or remain mostly indifferent. parts focused on sam (and there are a lot) might like castiel but simply not care that much unless the situation demands it. other parts are thankful, hold their friendship; some are angry at castiel for the times he fucked up; some parts are attracted to him (and depending on the part, it might be either to his anger and violence or to his friendship and care); at least one part must still experience the moment he saved dean from hell and has a heightened awareness of castiel’s grace and feels both awe and terror regarding that.