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When I feels everything gets easier, there will always an obstacle in front to be appear. It’s a surprise gift from Allah. Sometimes my bad side will questions everything that I always had all the answers in myself. So most of the time I will just keep that all in me. Why would I voice out something that will made people judge.

After a mountain, I will always have to keep going down because I climb the wrong mountain. So, I have to going down to the lowest point on earth again and start climbing again. Yup. That’s my life. I didn’t expect people to get in my life. Well, I wouldn’t allow them to easily. After I am at that lowest point, I again had to find another mountain and try to climb again. Most of the time I feel like I am climbing it alone. But honestly, there will always be everybody whom supported me. I don’t have to mention who they are. They know when they know.

After the obstacle I faced, I then arrived at the top of the mountain. However, then I realised I have been on the wrong mountain again. I am obviously tired. Obviously. So, I decided to stop. Nope. I’ll just stop for a while.

“Rest if you must, but don’t quit by John Greenleaf Whittier”

So, it’s normal if I slow down. It’s because I am too a human. It’s just that I didn’t voice it out. There will be various reasons why  I didn’t voice it out. First, people keep on judging although they obviously don’t understand the situations or try to. Try to be in my shoes, you can’t even walk in it. Maybe couldn’t even fit in it. Secondly, I don’t want to look weak. Never in front of anyone. I didn’t look cool. “Gila lembik, kau perempuan!” That phrase keep being played in my head. Over and over again. Well, sometimes I did look weak. I knew it. It’s okay for me to look weak in front of some people. It’s okay for me to cry in front of some people. I choose my people. Because I am the boss in my own life. Like that! The third one was because, people don’t listen. I keep on giving the hint how inside I am was. I used to. But when people don’t listen, It makes me frustrated. Now I keep wondering. How stupid I am to let somebody listen to me when they don’t listen. They pretended to. Deep inside they don’t give a fuck. Lepas hang blah, dia tetap kutuk hang dan main Candy Crush macam biasa.

Maybe people would say I am being paranoid. Hell. I don’t care. This is my head. And I let my head to choose what I want it to think.

Keep on climbing, perempuan. Keep your head up high.

“I’m on the stronger side of crazy, the weaker side of sane”

“Let’s take a walk on the wicked side”

“The rabbit hole is real. It’s the rest of the world that’s fake”

“Give me kisses and chaos”

“A whole mess of lonesome roads”

“Life’s a bitch and so I am”

Till then, adios amigos.

Love,

Kadang aku pun ada juga rasa takut, tapi aku nak mengadu kat siapa selain Allah. Kemudian baru aku sedar, mungkin ini sebab orang kahwin. Ada pasangan. Maka, apa jadi sama-sama against the world. Aku ni, apa jadi kena hadap seorang. Tapi Allah hantarkan kepada aku sahabat yang dengar apa yang aku cuba sembunyi. Dengar jerit di dalam jiwa aku. Nampak airmata mengalir disetiap tawa aku. 

Allah. Kenapa begitu indah kau hantarkan ujian di samping harta tak ternilai? Sahabat adalah harta yang tak ternilai dan bukan semua manusia terima hadiah ini, Allah. Ujian yang kau beri, rupanya mengajar dan mengingatkan aku siapa insan yang aku patut treasure. 

Siapa sanggup heret aku dari kolam najis ini? Kalau ditariknya aku, risiko untuk tenggelam sama jelas tergambar. Tapi tak dipedulikan. Dia hulur tangan secara spontan. 

Allah. Kau kirim indah dalam derita. Kau kirim harta tak ternilai dalam jutaan masalah terbeban.

Benarlah. Setiap yang terjadi itu, ada hikmahnya.

Selepas masalah ini berlalu, akan didatangkan ketenangan dan kemenangan. Kemudian akan dikirim lagi masalah untuk mengajar dan mengingatkan kita pada Dia. Dan memberi hadiah yang kau hanya sedar bila kau benar berfikir.