Look, I just really love turians, okay?

Jaal, one day later:

Shepard: reapers

Alliance: ahah yeah sure

Reapers: BWAAAAAAAAHH HELLO TINY FUCKERS

Alliance boss: holy shit a reaper why no one warned us about this

Shepard: (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ

—

Anderson: take the Normandy and save the galaxy once again child

Shepard: I killed 300.000 batarians I should be in prison tho

Anderson: yeah don’t worry about that we cool

—

Hackett: ShepRAD you have to go to mars to find some fricking answer hurry

Shepard: okay let me get this straight

Shepard: it’s been 3 years since I first talked about reapers, I died and resurrected, I saved everyone from Saren first and from the collectors second, I’ve been under arrest for several months and no one even tried to get some motherfuckin information

Shepard: now reapers are attacking us and you bitches sent me to find a solution to this highly anticipated disaster?!

Hackett: basically

Shepard: all right let’s do this

—

Liara: yooo Shrapnel look what I found

Shepard: what is this project

Liara: idk

Shepard: what does it do

Liara: idk

Shepard: it will help against reapers

Liara: idk but it’s Prothean

Shepard: so we’re supposed to spend a bazilion of money and employ trillions of workers to build a huge penis-shaped artifact and we’re not even sure if it’s gonna work?

Liara: ya

Shepard: well sounds like a good plan to me

—

Shepard: OMG this sexy weird-haired mech is killing that Virmire survivor what do

James: I got you bruh *crashes on the mech with a ship*

Shepard: James what the legit fuck

James: I did it because I seek attention

Shepard: aw baby what’s wrong

James: I’m unromanceable

—

Garrus: that my planet and reapers are destroying it

Shepard: shit son you all right

Garrus: yeah can I calibrate something on the Normandy later

Shepard: you can calibrate my ass

Garrus: Sherpes no

Shepard: Sherpes yes

—

EDI: hello I entered in that mech I got a body now

Joker: I’ll fuck that robot or I’ll die trying

Joker: literally

—

Reaper: ahah I’m having so much fun killing krogans that’s the life man

Kalros: son of a bitch

Reaper: HOLY SHIT *dies*

Krogans: yeee

Kalros: only I can kill krogans

Krogans: fuck

—

Mordin: I perfectionated genophage it took all my life

Mordin: which means like 2 months

Mordin: now I changed my mind and I create an antidote but spreading it on Tuchanka requires my death

Shepard: OMG no

Mordin: prepare to cry bitches

—

Tali: holla

Shepard: hey lil’ mama how you doin’

Tali: it’s Admiral Tali'Zorah fo you bitch

Shepard: dang chill out bae

Han'Gerrel: good Shepard and Tali entered the geth Dreadnaught now

Han'Gerrel: everyone attack the Dreadnaught quick we must sink that ship before it’s too late

Shepard: DUDE WTF WE STILL ON BOARD

Han'Gerrel: so fucking what

Shepard: dude

—

Legion: do you remember the question that caused the creators to attack us, Tali'Zorah?

Legion: “does this unit have a fine hot ass?”

Tali: it does ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Legion: thank you tali I know *dies*

—

Javik: *wakes up after a 50000 years nap* where’s my breakfast

Liara: OMG wise prothean enlight me with your deep knowledge of the universe

Javik: hurry up with my damn croissant

—

Liara: you ugly four-eyed bugface your race tricked the asari for your purposes

Javik: damn girl you’re cute when you want to kill me

Liara: I’ll be fucking beautiful in a minute then

—

Miranda: Shepard my father took my sister as a hostage help me please

Shepard: let Oriana go you son of a yahg

Miranda’s dad: shit ok but don’t kill me tho

Miranda’s dad: here Oriana is free can I go now

Shepard: no

Miranda: *kills her father* I love you Shep

—

Illusive Man: here I am did you missed me Shepair?

Shepard: kill yourself Impositive Man

Illusive Man: damn I’m so mad *shoot Anderson* *shoot himself*

Shepard: woah

—

Catalyst: so uhm we fucked up a little yes now you have to choose between 3 possible ending listen here: destruction, synthesys or control

Shepard: which is the one where I survive

Catalyst: ahah no sorry you’ll die anyway

Shepard: shit you know what? Fuck you *shoot the Catalyst*

Catalyst: OMG this hoe killed me WTF

Hackett: Shepard you did it motherfucker

Hackett: reapers stopped attacking us, mass relays are still working and Thane and Mordin resurrected

Shepard: fricking nice

Anderson: I’m alive too bitch!

Anderson: OMG reapers are giving everyone a puppy and a piece of cake, salarian are chillin with krogans and Joker broke himself every bone while fucking EDI

Joker: totally worth it

EDI: speak for yourself

Here's the full spread with all of the designs. Below the cut are close-ups of all of the images with alt-text for folks who need it!

hi yes hello a friend gave my baldurs gate 3 for my birthday and is now painstakingly teaching me how to use the controls

PC: (voiceover) For millenia, the galaxy has considered the Prothean Empire to be the peak of civilization. However, as they did not develop Belgian techno duo Techtronica's 1989 hit "Pump Up the Jam," this seems dubious.

(The entirety of the music video for "Pump up the Jam" plays uninterrupted)

PC: (voiceover) Commander Shepard has been unifying leader in the war effort, despite not receiving any promotion over the past three years. I spoke with one of the many men who has been relying on her underpaid labor to boost their own success.

(Interview room)

PC: So Mr. Victus, you're a primarch.

AV: that is correct.

PC: Can I return this sweater with you?

AV: I'm sorry?

PC: I tried at the location on the Citadel, but they said I couldn't get a full refund anymore. Just store credit.

AV: … when did you buy it?

PC: last August.

AV: why didn't you return it before now?

PC: Dunno. Busy.