Mostly, Raj tried not to think too hard on what being his mate really meant. And yet, it was not as if she could ignore it completely. Because she felt it, and she had been feeling it since he turned her. A human romance was all chemical, your brain releasing endorphins around the person you had fallen in love with. But being someone’s mate.. having one yourself, it was different. Much stronger, and still the bond felt so much more instinctual and primal. It so easily overrode sensibility and logic, not unlike human love did, but she would describe it much more wild and uncontrollable. Which was plenty scary.. because what she’d found herself craving most of all since she’d managed to settle down and actually live her life, was control. To be in charge of the situation, to not let anyone else dictate her or sway her decisions. There was a reason why she had come to this town and made the choices she had made. Being an owner, she was her own boss. No one could command her but her. As a mistress she could use the slaves to satiate any urges she might have or needs for companionship, but it was always on her terms. Sure, she primarily used it for good, to help the ones she came into contact with, but she also used the slave system to get laid without strings attached. Without there being a question of who decided what. Being with Erik again though, that imbalance wasn’t there. They were equals, and that scared her.
She could hardly breathe, listening to his answer. It gave her some valuable insight. The chance to glimpse behind the curtain of what he had been thinking while they were apart. While he had let his pack hunt for her. And while she understood that he had listened to his parents over his heart, what she still didn’t understand was why the hell he hadn’t listened to her.. “Why didn’t you listen to me? Why lie about what you were? Cause I married you thinking I knew exactly who you were, what you wanted, what we were going to be.. and then once we were, it became painfully obvious that you had been lying to me for a long time.. which you know, it hurt but I wanted to understand, for us to figure it out, but no matter how hard I tried to talk to you, it was like none of what I said, what I wanted, mattered anymore.” Her tone remained quiet, though instead of frustration there was real sadness there. Not unlike before, once she started looking at all the reasons she’d had to run, to get the hell away, felt like they were drowning her. And that made it so hard to think that they would ever get past this. That it was possible to leave it all behind. The thought of more weeks and months in that cage, it made her shudder, her fists clenching back up where she sat. He was right though. Very much so. “I probably would have.. in part I felt like I already had started to, before I ceased to be human. The change, even before my first shift, even before I was able to wrap my mind around what I was becoming, it unleashed something. I’ve never been the angry type, but suddenly there was this rage burning inside me, clawing to get out. No, not ‘after’, 'in spite of’. I used that rage to escape, to break free, but its not who I want to be. I don’t want to live my life being angry at the world, or you for that matter for what I’ve been trough. I just want to feel happy, free, content. Thank you for telling me though.” She nodded a bit, glad that they seemed to be able to have a conversation like this without it escalating.
She didn’t entirely know what to reply with. Maybe she shouldn’t apologize, but she still felt bad for jumping so easily to conclusions that were clearly all in her head. “Okay.” she only said, leaning back against the seat and trying to focus solely on the comforting feeling of his warm fingers around her own. It was weird in a good way. “Alright, thats cool.”
Erik thought about her everyday. His wolf called out for hers a lot, hoping she would hear him and respond to him. Even when he had been with other people he only thought about her. He compared them to her. The way they tasted and the way they felt. But he had urges, an itch he needed to scratch every now and then, and he was sure she did too. He wasn’t jealous of the other people she has probably been with, especially in Thorn Haven. It was only sex, no love. At least that was how he felt. That was probably also something they would have to talk about eventually.
Erik looked away from her and clenched his jaw when she asked him why he hadn’t listened to her. He sighed before answering. “I was afraid. Afraid that you would leave if you found out what I was. A monster.” He told her honestly. “Though I guess I turned out to be a much worse monster than a werewolf could ever be." He said, releasing a sigh once more. He tucked up, he knew that. There was no excuse. He could hear the sadness in her voice and that made him sad as well. "l bit you cause I could feel you slipping away from me. It was selfish but I just wanted to keep you. You were the best thing that has ever happened to me. I thought I would end up like my parents in a loveless marriage. With the only purpose being the continuation of the blood line. But then I met you and I was relieved and I was happy. I wanted to hold on to this so badly, I was so afraid of making mistakes, so afraid of you leaving me that I did everything I could to make you stay. But instead of trusting my heart and trusting you, I tried to force you to stay. That fear of losing you drove me crazy and I know I should've talked to you. I should've opened up but once again I was afraid. It was crippling. I couldn't talk to you because of the fear and I couldn't talk to anybody else because they would just laugh at me. They didn't know anything about love and didn't care for it. So that fear kept eating at me and it tore me apart until everything just crumbled down." He told her honestly. "l am sorry for what I did to you. I hope one day you will find that happiness you truly deserve." He said. He did this to her. He made her angry at the world and he hated himself for it. He swallowed hard as he tried to keep his emotions in check
Erik absentmindedly ran his thumb over the back of her hand as their hands were clasped. It felt nice to touch her again even if he was just able to hold her hand. He could only dream of getting to touch her as a whole again. Explore it and worship it like she deserved to be worshipped. He made a left turn with his car and pulled into a parking lot. “We’re here.” He said softly, almost anxious to let go of her hand.
