Let Loose~

http://erics-song.tumblr.com

http://erics-song.tumblr.com

My father walked out on us when I was just three months old. And before I was even born, he was already cheating on my mom with another woman. I never really had a father figure until I was 10. All I had were strong men to look up to, such as my grandpa and my uncles.

If he hadn't left? Would I have gone to school in Long Beach? Would I have even lived here in Norwalk? Would I have lived another completely different life with completely different interests? Would I have met my best friends? Would I have meet the people that I despise the most in this world? Would my brother have not joined the military? Would I not desire pursuing music? Would I even be gay? Would I have not entered a state of depression numerous times as I have before?

There is one thing I do know for sure. My mother would have been miserable. She has told me a few times in the past about her life when she was married to my father. She told me that she never felt pretty because he never treated her that way, even though she's the most beautiful woman that I know. She might have continued smoking. She started smoking when she was 17 years old and only stopped when she was pregnant with me and my brother. She even started smoking again after I was born until she was given an ultimatum by my mom before she quit for good. She would not have met my step-dad. No matter how much he annoys me, I know that he really does care about me. He really is like a father to me, even though I don't think that sometimes. She would not have been happy. My mom has been happy throughout my entire life. She doesn't let anything get her down. I feel like if my father had stayed in our lives, her negative thoughts would start to overcome her like mine have overcome me in the past.

As I am growing up, I have come to the realization that my father is pretty much nothing to me. He barely ever cared to make contact with me. He hasn't greeted me on my birthday or on Christmas in over four years now if not more. He doesn't make much effort to support me. He does send child support each month, but he doesn't even send half of what he's supposed to. I can count how many times I remember seeing him just on my two hands. I have only stayed with him for two weekends, he took me and my brother out twice when I was eight years old, he came to my brother's graduation when I was 11 years old, and he came to my brother's godparents' viewing when I was 12. That's all that I can remember of seeing him and I haven't seen him since then.

Despite all of this, is it crazy that I kind of still want him in my life? I never really even thought of him until now. I do know where he lives. I have his phone number. Why have I not tried to make contact with him? I feel like I need to tie up some loose ends with him, clue him in on what's going on with my life, and, maybe, I can actually get to know my father firsthand.