Envy gang

🌓 - Var

🌺 - Alex

🌹 - Riddle

🎭 -

and it feels like when you really need to scratch an itch but you can't for some reason because I want to feel but nothing is making me feel anything except negative and it sucks because that's not what I want or need like get OUT I don't want to be depressed about anything rn nor do I want to be getting hit by my stupid fucking inferiority complex because for some reason my dumb fucking brain can't shake the idea that someone's better than me and knows it and is rubbing it in purposefully when I know that's insane and theyre probably not!!!!!

and I don't WANT to be feeling so fucking envious and jealous of people I think of as friends or friendly acquaintances but I do and I always do and always will and gods don't even get me STARTED on the people I don't like at all who I feel envious of it makes me so MAD. how do you get all this nice stuff and I don't and yet I try just as hard as you do and yet you get success and I don't and you also have all these annoying horrible traits I can't stand and I hate it and can't comprehend it and it makes me feel like shit and I fixate on it and I hate it so fucking much

and fucking of course inferiority and superiority go hand in hand so I'm always feeling like I'm worthless while others are better but on the other side of my mind I'm screaming it should be the other way around because look at all these ways I'm better than these people and trying to find any way to put them down because I can't help it. I can't help doing that because I want to feel like I'm better than what I've always been shown I am I feel like I deserve more than I've ever gotten and I hate how people I hate always succeed when I don't and I don't even know if I hated them before I saw them succeed or if I liked them first and then got jealous and started hating them and I don't want to hate it when my friends succeed but it also makes me so fucking jealous because it's so easy for them when I do the same things and get no acknowledgement whatsoever for it.

I am so DONE with this my stupid fucking brain needs to turn off and I know I'm angry and my words are angry but I don't even really FEEL angry right now, I feel neutral and blank instead and completely void and empty like I don't even have the capacity to be angry anymore I don't feel I feel fucking broken what am I even doing

cracks in the mirror in my mind that's how I see myself it doesn't work otherwise I'm fucking cracked open into pieces and they don't go together because it's all a fucking mess and nothing's real and I don't want it to be real but it is actually and I don't even know anymore I wish I could convince myself everything and everyone was fake so i didn't have to CARE so much about it all but they're clearly real and I hate that, I can't stop caring about it all, it bothers me stupidly and I don't know I'm genuinely just done

I hate this fucking lack of feeling and all these thoughts and shit it's so annoying and tiring. I want to just shut down and close all of it off and not have this happen all the time it's the worst and I'm tired of either feeling too much hatred, envy, inferiority and superiority and whatever else and I'm also tired of feeling blank, empty nothing

can I just feel good things for once

1 - unblocked someone on discord and tumblr and decided to give up my grudge against them because they agreed with me in a conversation and I realised they're not as bad as I'm pretending they are and honestly it was just kinda petty at this point

2 - crashed out over tumblr at someone who I have blocked on discord and tumblr was sending me anon asks trying to join the server I banned them from