Enigma of Dreams

You remember at the speed of moonlight reaching Earth:

1.25 seconds.

Enough time for a head shaking no. Or turning away indifferently. Not enough for a warm embrace. Let alone to hold someone from falling apart.

Perfect time for profane words, though.

You remember in momentary flashes that only last for the duration a smile is forming. Or a single teardrop rolling down the cheek. Or a laughter made of corn popping. Or a heart made of glass breaking to pieces.

I could list more things in the span of the speed of sunlight reaching earth: 8 minutes and 20 seconds. But, will you remember them?

Because you only remember glimpses at the speed of moonlight reaching Earth:

1.25 seconds.

Enough time for a single affectionate stroke at your back. Enough time to intertwine fingers with your beloved. Enough time for a thank you. Enough time for ‘I love you’.

Yet, you want eternity.

 it’s your birthday.

You would have turned 60 today. That’s three times of my age when you left me. I was 21. I am now 31. That means I’ve lived about one third of my life without you. I want to tell you that I wish to live until at least three fifth of my life without you, just so I can write an essay or a poem dedicated to you on what it’s like to be 50. Because you died three months before completing your 50th year.

I want you to know what that feels like because it must be a special thing. 50. A perfect round number. A milestone. Half a century. Gold anniversary. Something that will stay rooted in memory. 

You have to know what that feels like.

You, who had the shiniest heart of gold.

It's debated to what extent our vision for our relationships is programmed biologically or culturally. Either way I think it's fair to say in our times a lot of people grow up assuming this is the path their lives will take: they'll meet someone when they're young with whom they'll coexist in dizzy wedded bliss until  one of them is dead. If you're not able to engage with this part of life, there's something wrong. There's an urgency. Your parents are worried. But accomplishing this as it turns out is not that  easy. Not only must you navigate the battleground of courtship wherein people take secret videos of your first dates to mock you online – stop doing that. You're dealing with your own fears and insecurities and wounds and the intersection of these with other people's fears and insecurities  and wounds – and a deep unease at the thought of aloneness, and somehow while in the grips of  this unease you're supposed to make a lucid, educated decision about the kind of partner  you should want, which you have no possible way of knowing until after you've failed in this  pursuit, normally over, and over, and miserably.

Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, That, we still are

Call me by my old familiar name. Speak to me in the easy way which you always used. Put no difference into your tone. Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we always enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me Let my name be ever the household word that it always was Let it be spoken without effect. Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was. There is absolute unbroken continuity. What is death but a negligible accident? Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you. For an interval. Somewhere. Very near. Just around the corner.

All is well.

Nothing is past; nothing is lost One brief moment and all will be as it was before How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

me: bangêt

him: banggét

me: bangêt

him: banghét

me: bangêt

him: bangét

me: bangêt

him: banggêt

Don’t you think it’s annoying when you are unsure about many things afraid that you’ll make mistakes, people say that you are indecisive, that you have no conviction, but then when you have your own opinion and you stand for what you think is right and being quite strong headed about it, they say that you are stubborn, you are rigid and inflexible and insufferable.