HAVE SOME TEA!

HIT EM WHERE IT HURTS. — accepting !

" You don't know that. "

     The response immediate, almost a flinch, his body tensing as he rose to his full height and loomed over the Lotus Prince, glaring daggers down at him. ' There's nothing he could have done ' ?  Either the prince was proving himself an idiot once more, or he had found himself feeling exceptionally cruel.

" Don't you dare talk as if you were there, "   hissed words dripping in venom, cold warning in his tone as his eyes flashed with vibrant glow. Cyan and magenta flame rose and swirled around him, dancing at where he held the treasure staff with iron grip. He didn't want to do this, didn't want to talk about it, but it felt as though he were back at the flowing sands river. Felt like his first years there, forced to adjust to his new form, to the sensation of sand filling his lungs and every pore, to the suffocating hunger which threatened to drive him mad.

" Nothing I could have done ? "   the yaoguai repeated, his tone thunderous,   " No. I could have done better, been better— I should have been ! What was the point of— of everything if I was too weak — too foolish — to have saved them ! "

     The ground cracked underneath him, the earth herself answering to his grief. Grief untainted, untouched by his anger. Grief he had not known himself still able to feel, shredding at his heart without the shield of rage, worse than any of his divine punishments from so long ago.

     If he had known then. If he had known where fate would have led him, he would have declined the far too generous Bodhisattva and kowtowed for her pity to let him retain his miserable fate, if it'd meant this all could have been avoided. How he must disgust her now, for what else could have broken past the limits of her endless mercy than the wretched creature he had become.

" They were my family. My brothers, my shifu !  They were everything, "   his voice cracking, from what he could not tell,   " If I had kept my eyes on them, if I —  if I hadn't let myself get distracted, if I hadn't been so foolishly overconfident, as though I had forgotten all my lessons !  Then they would still be here, with me and alive !  Then I wouldn't be a monster !  Then maybe, Eldest Brother wouldn't have — ! "

     He bit down hard on his lip, sudden and strong enough for the  ( awfully, awfully familiar, yet comfortingly so )  taste of iron to coat his tongue. The elements stilling around him, frozen in place and kept there, before dissipating with a heavy but silent sigh that slipped out to his displeasure, sagging his shoulders.

     Though his hold on his weapon remained steady, as if it were the only thing left to ground him. And in a way, it was, wasn't it ?  The only thing he still had from before. A weapon. To protect himself. To protect others, though the latter were all dead and gone, because of himself. Because of him. He, who the yaoguai had once loved and revered.

( it'd been a long time since he had such a foolish slip of the tongue, he thought he'd burned that claim alongside the bodies of the fallen. If only he could still ask Elder Brother how to deal with the curse that was a heart. )

     His energy spent, he found himself unable to keep looking at Nezha ( what even kept the prince with him still ? He found it hard to keep believing himself the only option, certainly far from the most pleasant ) and averted his eyes away from the other in  shame  disgust  —

     betrayal ?  No. Ridiculous. An absurd thought, and one he would have to rid himself of sooner than later. He could not afford to get... comfortable, with the prince. He already treaded on dangerous waters, yet there was weakness deep within him he'd forgotten about, craving the company of another. He had to find it, get rid of it. It was safer.

( Nezha deserved better, far better.   He didn't want to end up the cause for his death too.   There was enough blood on his hands for an immortal's lifetime. )

" ...Do you mean to mock me ? "   the question slipping out, not gently, no. He didn't think he knew what gentle was anymore, memories of peaceful nights spent by the fire a muddy haze in his mind. But the yaoguai was quiet, more subdued,  " You don't know that there was nothing, I was... "   his voice faltered, lasting seconds before he shook his head, frustration sparking at his own failings and incompetence, though that fire was only enough to add an awkward lit to his tone, so utterly unbecoming,   " I was supposed to keep them safe. "