#negative cw

there are a lot of things i appreciate about being autistic but i hate having an invisible wall between me and most other people. it's getting thicker and that feels pretty bad.

it's worsening my social anxiety too which makes me clam up around people I'm not already close with. no idea what to say until long after the awkward convo ends.

i wish it was easier to be autistic. i wish i could easily ask acquaintances to be direct with me (without first laying tons of groundwork to help them see the benefits) and have a baseline trust that when they say they will, they actually will speak up if they want something to be different. and that they'll work on their ability to hear direct requests for something to be different without immediate defensiveness or shame.

i want it to be normal to have direct and honest conversations that involve disagreement or requests to change something without it feeling like an attack to most people (bc that's one big reason ppl DON'T speak directly. they think it would be mean!!)

i wish i could tell people there's no secret hidden meaning to what I'm saying and be believed.

i wish a flat affect wasn't considered rbf and that I could just tell people with words how I actually feel and be believed.

Can I be genuinely honest with y'all for a moment? I legitimately have no clue how some of y'all do this every day. I know the entire roleplay community as a whole is just a hobby, however, having a full-time job now does not help me understand how y'all can do this consistently, day after day, without being burnt out after a few years.

I started doing any sort of roleplay in general back in 2012. Which is maybe not as long as some of y'all, but like... I have sometimes considered just straight-up deactivating and leaving the RPC on Tumblr for good. This isn't to say I haven't had a great experience or met some great people, but again...

I'm just tired. I enjoy doing roleplay and interacting with y'all, and yet at the same time, I haven't actually been active or consistent for more than four months since 2022 (maybe a bit later). I guess it's just that I seem to have wild swings of doing something for three months, being addicted to that thing, then dropping it cold turkey and not even looking at it for multiple months. I'm sure there is a psychological reason behind it, maybe I have something and was never diagnosed, I dunno.

Again, I don't want to leave the RPC, I don't want to deactivate or anything. But I just can't help but wonder sometimes if that would be better for me? Because, in a way? I feel like I'm just wasting y'all's time by only interacting and being here for a month before I vanish for four months or more. I've left so many good threads out to dry because I just can't seem to do this as often as so many others.

im typing this witu shaky unstable hands so Sorry if this doesj’t kaie any sehse. I’m incredibly sorry for nit beinf as active lately. I’ve been incredibly and increasingly mentally unwehlk as of late. Mainly having to do with ke bexoming mid in a disxord seever wnd having to step away due to the potential stress of law enforcement pissibly being envolged due to a sitaution that several mods and i are invokged in.

This isn’t me saying i’m syeppinf aaway ayain. If anything, im not. I’m craving any sort of reaction, whether it be roleplay related or not. Mainly rolepaky related. I’m just not in a good headspafe and need to he cheered up.

TLDR version: Being blocked in the RPC is never fun & sends me spiraling, but I need to work on that. I'm going to try my hardest to do so, so that I can have better mental health and more fun on this blog of mine. <3