a journey towards wonder

o, sweetheart

lay it down

come sit

there is a lovely rock

right here next to the stream

it is so green down here

clarity 

space

i wish i could rip 

out the name

stitched in red cursive

above your heart

i wove my love

deep within the fibers

that push against

the chests of others

all the way to fond du lac

my tired hands

find you

and hold your heart

this month

i hope it treats you well

and that you never

i think i miss you, but

perhaps just having another body

to cling to as my lungs fill with smoke

is what i feel i’ve lost

perhaps having a name to scream

as the tidal wave comes rushing towards me

is what i really want

maybe it's not about you at all

it cant be me all alone

when the plane starts to dive

my brain searching for someone, anyone

to receive all of my final moments of love

it has to be romantic

it doesn't make as much of a statement

to scream "MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

as i desperately grip the last wisps of my life

maybe this is what it was all about

trying to find certainty

in a world where it will forever elude me

learning the same lesson over and over again

but if you have to learn it

over and over and over

again, then 

i guess you never really learned it

expecting different results

from the same equation

emotionally + unavailable + creative + darkness + man =

??????????????????????????

everlasting love, forever?

eternally chasing what is not mine?

hoping for more and settling for less?

absolute nothingness?

the search will continue

until i settle for the next one

the fires coming too close

reality too real

why am i destined

for this horrendous ritual

of chasing my own tail

drawing blood every time

the wheel of fortune turns

i cannot control it

but i get to say when

i decide im ready

so i say when, now

ill look deep into his glass eyes

and choose to scream my own name

i wouldnt have 

loved you the same

if you had told me

how you really felt

instead

you kept me

on a little blue leash

with a shiny brass bell

and i came for you

the idea that people

have different needs

from their partners

based on their relationship

with the humans

who raised them

it turns out

i am a wave

you are an island

i was always pushing

my water molecules

on to your shore

hoping for

grains of your sand

to join the rhythmic dance

deep in the dark blue

always lapping

with no conscious need

for emotional reimbursement

until the day came

when the repetitive motion

of my desire

became so obviously 

repulsive

it made you sea sick

and i slowly shrank away

evaporating into the sky

where i watched you

from above

other bodies 

of water coming

trying and turn you

into atlantis

if only they knew

if only they knew

you never really wanted

to be underwater

but it's confusing

to be pushed away

with one hand

and beckoned

with the other

alas,

the climate is changing

and someday

you'll be deep under

intermixed

with someone else's sea

and i'll be far away

in some other ocean

with an island

who actually wants

the salty depths

i have to offer

i will be able to

throw my head back

and relax in to the

back and forth

knowing i am safely held

on this distant shore

instead of having

to constantly try

to tread lightly

so as not to cause you

to push me farther away

oh, sweetheart

you did tell me

this wasn't forever

but you made me feel

like it was

you were trying to be nice

you could see how much

i loved you

but it felt good

to be wanted,

didn’t it?

o, i know it wasn't your intention

poor thing

to hurt my feelings

it must have been so hard

to know how you really felt

and yet not say anything

for months

as you watched

my feelings for you

grow and change

you made a home

in my body

that you knew

was temporary

but you played house

like it wasn’t

o, i know

you are trying the best you can

we all are

but, darling

you are stuck

so far up your own ass

you think your shit

is gold

but it’s just shit

the same as everyone else

 o, i am tired of orbiting your planet

the only thing that plays

on the radio

is the same broadcast

of your voice

saying

emotionally unavailable

over and over and

over again

you told me once

you wanted to woo a girl

just to do it

just to see if you still could

so,

you took her on a date

you made her feel special

opened the door for her

asked her questions

listened to her talk

then,

when she slept with you

after your first date

you told her

you were disappointed

you would have rather waited

she began to really like you

you accomplished

what you set out to do

but it was all too much

and you disappeared

into the ether

you wrote a song

about how you didn't mean to hurt her

because after all,

you DID tell her

how you weren’t ready in the first place

and i,

the fucking imbecile i am

i sat there and laughed with you

how sad

that she couldn’t see

poor thing

she tried and tried

showed up at your shows

tried to coerce you

to come home with her

but.......

you had told her!!!!!!!!

you weren't ready!!!!

it was all really pathetic

it was all really sad

until it happened to me

now it’s just my eskimo sisters and i

out here drifting

emaciated polar bears

on the world’s last iceberg

starved of love and self worth

yes, 

you told us there were no fish left

that the oceans were getting warm

but you told us that

as we happily filled our bellies

with the day’s fresh catch

you told us that

as you were leaning in

with stars in your eyes

and wanting on your lips

telling people what you are

does not absolve you

of personal responsibility

from your actions

you did tell me

this wasn't forever

but you made me feel

like it was

i, too wish you had been honest

i know, its difficult

but this 

is so much worse

maybe you should

write a song about that

next time,

can you also feel

the pain

of silence

can you also feel

the space

and just like that

the nozzle has run dry

what have i been thinking?

what spell have i been under?

what have i gotten myself into?

its only natural

when you soar so high

that you come crashing down

to the cold damp earth

of reality

your expectations and illusions

do nothing but prevent you

from seeing the true nature

of people, of things

separating you from yourself

how many times

do you need to do this

to yourself

before you learn not to

treat people like ideas

not to treat your mind

like a canvas

where you can paint over

the bits you dont like

that dont fit with your narrative

you cant just paint over

a whole person

once youve gotten them

trapped in your web

you cant erase what youve done

silly girl

there is not enough gesso

in the world 

to paint the canvas clean

the fix the mistakes youve made

to erase the trail

of broken men that you have left

in your wake

washing up on the shore

on your path of destruction

eskimo brothers

in a physical and 

emotional sense

sharing pain

about anything

but you

its useless

honestly it is

i guess its an accurate representation 

of my mind, lately

you - you - you

with a bit of

me - me - me

no space for war

no space for anything practical

you should see my room

its a mess

a stack of books i will never read

who am I kidding?

the intention is pretty cute though

i am pretty cute

if i do say so myself

but

i don’t think you asked me

sigh

im falling in love

ive been drinking coffee

its all been really crazy

im sure you can imagine

how sweet of a whirlwind

life has been lately

sweet summer strawberries

floating cotton bits

drifting in the breeze

getting stuck on all sorts of silly things lately

you kind of forget

about things like bills

and cleaning

and old friends

the sweetness of rediscovered sisterhood

of knowing and loving women

of dancing at a stupid club all alone

of giggling on the phone

of laying on clean cotton sheets

and saying im sorry dear havent we really lost touch lately

we have so much to catch up on

im so sorry ive been in my own head so much

i havent once asked how you are

you dear and beautiful woman,

All

Day

I

Dream

About

Doing

Stupid

Mundane

Shit

With

You

I

Don’t

Know

If

I

Can

Turn

It

Off

Now

I

Think

It’s

Too

Late

For

Me

Maybe

You

Can

Still

Save

the broken mirror

reflects the many facets

of my being

some of which i am proud of

some of which i am ashamed

all of which are me

strong powerful feminine

scared unsure jealous

tight fluid free

the body of a woman

the heart of a girl

the instincts of a human being

connected on an axis

to the center of the earth

to the cosmos above

one shimmering reflection

of the macro and micro

and all that lies in between

we will never be clean

because there was never any dirt

to be cleaned from

we will never be alone

even in the deepest depths

of self induced isolation

the warm air

kisses my skin

it reminds me of you

perhaps there is

a quiet beauty

in the plateau

a place where flowers

can grow

when properly tended to

a place where love 

can flourish

in a new sort of way

loving ourselves

loving each other

they will be searching

for my treasure

hundreds of years

in the future

deep at the bottom

long after the water

has eaten my flesh

all that is left will be

the glowing embers

of the memory 

of you and i

and the summer 

i see my mother

in my face

i see my father

in my body

i see him trying to understand

how to help me

dad i dont understand

dad it all scares me

dad i love you

you and i are the same cloth

woven tightly through centuries

blueberry corneas

hair like sunshine

love and mountains

bright colors and acoustic guitar

how can you live your whole life

you are a boy

its so simple

its so sweet

its okay

if you are scared

i am too

we can be scared

together

we can find happiness

together

we can make love

together

it doesnt have to be anything else

it doesnt have to mean anything else

we are all just humans

trying our best 

to figure it out

its all so

sweet and perfect

its all so

funny

i love your hands he said

nobody has ever

loved my hands before

it never crossed my mind

that my hands

were something to be loved

until you loved them

my eggs are in your basket

every day i take them out

but every night the wolves come

and replace them 

one by one

who knew?

i think we both knew

loving you is making me stupid

but the wheel of fortune is turning

and there is nothing i can do to stop it

who do we think we are

to allow ourselves to be happy

to drink beer together in public

to fuck recklessly on the riverbanks

to walk hand in hand through a seaside town

i don’t care what you want to call it

only how it feels

you dragged me out of my self induced slumber

when you leaned down and kissed me

disconnected

from my body

from my mind

cotton balls stuffed 

in the space where my brain used to be

i dont know where it went

smoked out

gross out

i want to sleep for one hundred years

and come back to you