"because he took me away from you"

Kitty Kitty was begging me to turn the sink on, but I was running so hard on autopilot that I didn't register that she wanted the sink to be Just A Little On, and I ended up turning it on full blast while her head was right under the faucet. Luckily she, like me, only possesses 3 brain cells, so she didn't consider getting upset, and instead just stared at me while purring as her forehead became increasingly drenched and I realized what I had done.

mid life crisis ? no no, mid DAY crisis. happens every day

everyone younger than me is having a baby and everyone older than me has 3+ roommates and everyone the same age as me fell down a biiiiiiiiiiig flight of stairs

can I come over and dodge roll into all your breakable furniture

we used to turn the tv on and just watch whatever was on there