I 💜 Serving Up Super Cute Headcanons 💜 ✨️ 🎸 💕

You only joined Evil Con Carne not because you had an interest in world domination per se but rather you needed the money and were super desperate.

And after working for the evil organization for about a week now, you soon came to realize that being a henchman - or rather a throwaway goon - for the evil, pink brain you and others knew as Hector Con Carne wasn't an easy job.

Not only did you get very little pay or sometimes no pay at all in most cases, but Private Doofus, an extremely stupid hillbilly henchman, once explained to you that your job and his job as Hector's men were essentially to either get badly injured or arrested.

Heck, you even found out the other day that Hector and General Skarr would place bets on what would happen to a henchman on missions!

Hector himself wasn't the most caring or compassionate boss either, as he would act like an evil overbearing tyrant who yelled alot, insult others and boss them around.

You found General Skarr also known as "The One-Eyed Weirdo" too creepy and cruel to be around and would only interact with him when he was leading you and the other workers.

It wasn't any better that your soldier co-workers were a bunch of bumbling fools, who couldn't do something as simple as march in a straight line without clumsily falling down.

But, despite all the negatives at working at Evil Con Carne - Hector's aggressiveness, General Skarr's harsh personality, your co-worker's incompetence to complete tasks, etc - there was one positive, and that was getting to be in the presence of the lovely Major Dr. Ghastly whenever you and the other troops were called in by Hector to do a mission.

Ever since you started working at E.C.C. (Evil Con Carne) you've had your eye on the red headed female scientist for quite some time now.

You just loved everything about her; her ruby red hair which was usually in a bun style and baby blue eyes, her ability to build and operate a wide array of weapons and machines, her kind personality, and not to mention the way her skin-tight rubber suit would show off her curvaceous body.

She was the definition of wife material.

One day, after you were done training with your henchman acquaintances, you passed by Major Doctor Ghastly's lab and peeked behind the entrance of the laboratory to see what she was up to.

The Major Doctor seemed to be working on an evil invention of some sort that had lots of knobs and buttons. This gave you the perfect opportunity to pull out from behind your back the bouquet of roses you had bought for her.

"I-I hope she's a fan of roses," you gulped, nervous.

You slowly and quietly make your way to the doctor, nervousness in every little step you took.

Finally arriving behind her you took a deep breath and tapped on her shoulder. Alarmed and surprised by the sudden tap to the shoulder, Ghastly quickly turned around.

Once she saw that it was just you, a simple henchman, she sighed in relief.

"Oh, ha, ha, it's just you. For a second there I thought you were someone else."

You slowly raised up the hand that was holding the bouquet to her and looked down shyly, blushing a bit.

"F-For you, M-Ms. Major Doctor. My apologies if you don't like roses," you shuttered, your face now imitating a tomato due to how red it was.

Ghastly was at a lost for words. She never had someone, let alone a soldier, deliver her flowers like this. Now, the scientist already had feelings for the power hungry maniac Hector Con Carne who she referred to as "Chief", but she took the bouquet from your hands and smiled, seeing this as simply an act of kindness rather than you trying to confess your feelings to her.

She began admiring the roses.

"Oh my, these are absolutely divine, soldier!" she beamed before taking a sniff. "Not to mention, they smell great too!"

"A-Actually, it's (Y/N). My name is (Y/N), and you're welcome," you say, glad to know that that the Doctor is pleased by your little gift.

"Thank you, (Y/N)! I'll make sure to put these in a flower vase and water them after I'm done working on my latest invention." After thanking you, she smiles and goes back to admiring the roses. You, your face still red, back away awkwardly, shooting finger guns.

"Hey! Anytime, sweet stuff!" You say before turning to exit the lab.

Once fully out of the lab and out of the sight of Ghastly, you facepalm for how stupid you sounded and acted at the very end of all that.

'Ugh, I'm so stupid! Did I seriously just call The Major Doctor "sweet stuff"?'

The memory of Ghastly smiling and thanking you popped into your head, making you go a little easy on yourself.

Papa Nihil:

• He refuses to acknowledge any invention created after 1979. If Sister Imperator isn't there to turn on the TV or "work the radio," he will simply sit in a dark room with a carton of grape juice, staring at the wall and humming "Miasma" to himself.

• He tells the same story about a jazz club in 1969 every single time he sees a ghoul.

The ghouls have memorized his breathing patterns and can recite the story along with him in their heads.

• His hearing is actually quite sharp, but he uses his age as a weapon.

He "doesn't hear" any requests from the Clergy he doesn't like, but he can hear the sound of a toilet being flushed from three floors away—mostly so he can yell about "wasting water" or "leaving the seat up".

• As the decades started to catch up with him, Nihil realized he needed a bit more daily assistance than just a cane and a carton of juice.

To keep his spirits up (and his grumpiness down), he was gifted an Official Emotional Support Goat—a cloud-like, high-maintenance Angora goat named Andy.

Andy now accompanies Nihil everywhere, even standing right next to him during his 'Price Is Right' marathons.

Andy has a habit of chewing on the newspaper's funny pages before Nihil can clip them, leading to some very loud, one-sided arguments about "respecting the classics."

Papa Primo:

• Primo writes every single internal memo in impeccable, sharp-edged cursive with a fountain pen.

He finds the "clicking" of keyboards to be an affront to the devil and refuses to look at a computer screen without making a sign of protection.

• Being more cryptid than human, Primo doesn't technically need to sleep, but he still "wakes" at 4:00 AM sharp to maintain his rigid discipline.

By 2:00 PM, his supernatural energy dips, and he is caught "meditating"—a stiff, upright nap taken with his eyes half-open.

He looks like a statue in a museum until someone crinkles a newspaper, which "activates" him instantly.

• Primo is a constant critic of how the younger Papas—especially Terzo—carry themselves.

He'll stand with his hands tucked into his sleeves, judging Terzo's tailored suits and flashy stage antics.

"A papa should look like an ancient shadow, Terzo, not a flamboyant disco ball," he'll mutter, before launching into a lecture on how to properly project 'cryptid dread' during a sermon.

• During a deep-woods ritual, Primo and his ghouls discovered a group of strange, "ugly-cute" forest creatures.

Instead of being spooked, Primo immediately decided they were his grandchildren.

He brought them back to the Abbey, and they spend their afternoons helping him in his garden.

They are incredibly gentle and love to pet his pet crow, Mercy, who sits patiently while they stroke her feathers with their little hands.

Papa Secondo:

• Secondo is too vain to wear glasses in public.

During rituals, he has the ghouls print the "black speech" in 24-point font so he doesn't have to squint, though he claims it's because the "large text carries more power."

• He has become a legendary Animal Crossing player, though he claims he only does it to supervise Plush Secondo.

Speaking of the plush, he is fiercely protective of Plush Secondo's internet safety.

He spent an entire afternoon installing heavy-duty ad blockers on plush him's iPad just to prevent him from clicking on sketchy, vibrant clickbait ads like "Pretty Barbie Dolls In Your Area 😘 😘 😘" or "This One Trick Will Make Your Ghouls Rich! 💵 💰"

• When he's annoyed with the ghouls, he hides in his office and plays Solitaire.

It's the only thing that calms his nerves.

• He is the human barometer of the Abbey. He can tell you exactly when a storm is coming to Linköping based entirely on the ache in his left shoulder.

Papa Terzo (hes my beloved, of course I gave him extras 💖💜💖🩷💜💖🩷💜💖🩷):

• Terzo is fully aware that he's getting older, but he absolutely refuses to let anyone mention it.

• If a ghoul even looks at his wrinkles too long, he'll give a dramatic hair flip and remind them that that's incredibly RUDE 🙄.

• He is on level 5,000 of Candy Crush and has no shame about sending "Life Requests" to the ghouls' phones at 3:00 AM. He needs those extra moves, and he needs them now.

• He loves watching game shows while Weenie (his dachshund) sits on his lap wearing her hot dog costume.

He's judging the contestants' outfits. "A giant taco, Weenie? Truly, fashion is crumbling."

• He tries his best to knit cute sweaters for Weenie, but he constantly pokes himself with the needles.

He inevitably has to go find a ghoul to help him fix the dropped stitches; Omega is the one who always ends up sitting there patiently helping him finish the sleeves.

• Despite his "youthful" vanity, he can't help but take the Grandpa Stance—standing with both hands clasped firmly behind his back while he watches people.

If he sees something he doesn't like, out comes the scolding finger wiggle to let you know you've messed up.

• He swears on his life that he doesn't get gray hairs... 😎 😎 😎 until the morning a single silver strand pops up in the mirror.

He immediately freaks out, clutching his chest and calling for a Ministry-wide emergency as if the world is ending.

Papa Copia:

• Copia spends way too much time on Facebook Reels and gets incredibly emotional over animal videos.

He once broke down in tears over a viral video of two NYC rats fighting over a bagel—and then cried even harder when they eventually decided to split it with each other.

He spent the rest of the day telling the ghouls, "Even the smallest of creatures understand the power of community!"

• He once tried to eat a spoonful of cinnamon because a reel told him it would "align his chakras".

Biggest. mistake. ever.

• Copia desperately wants to be good at technology to impress the fans, but it always ends in a mess.

He once accidentally went "live" on Instagram for 10,000 people while trying to take a photo of Plushia riding a pigeon in the Abbey courtyard.

• Copia is obsessed with the Garfield comic strips.

He thinks they are the height of comedy.

Every Monday, he clips out the strip and tapes it to the Ministry's main bulletin board with a little sticky note that says "Hehe, he hates Mondays just like us! >:D :3".

He doesn't realize the Ghouls find it cringey; he just wants everyone to share a "funny haha" moment.

Papa V:

• Papa V is quite affectionate with his ghouls.

When they complete a ritual perfectly or help him with a task such as helping him put in his hair curlers at night, he rewards them with firm, proud headpats.

He is so "magically" sincere that his praise causes a visible pink blush to appear on the cheeks of the ghouls' masks.

The ghouls compete to see who can get the most headpats in a single day.

• He loves to pretend he's an oblivious senior to waste scam callers' time.

He'll keep them on the line for forty-five minutes, but the moment he gets bored, he drops the act and speaks in a menacing, ancient tone.

The scammer gets a demonic chill down their spine and immediately hangs up, usually followed by them throwing their phone across the room in terror.

• He cherishes his ultimate comfort companion: a giant Garfield vampire plush that Haze won for him at a fair.

While the other ghouls were busy 'causing problems on purpose' and wreaking havoc at the booths, Haze was laser-focused on winning the prize just to see Perpetua smile.

• On Sundays, Perpetua unleashes his inner Italian Grandma in the tour bus kitchen.

He dons a lace-trimmed apron covered in tiny bats and spends the day preparing a massive meal for the ghouls.