technically this IS art-related, but gonna put this under a cut as I just needed somewhere blog-like to write down some long personal thoughts Iāve had about my art journey recently
Over the years I had friends encourage me to draw more OC and original art as it was something I loved to self-indulge in when I was in school. but I hesitated for the longest time, and maybe this was due to me being embarassed about it and getting caught up trying to do art specifically catered to the artist alley convention crowd in recent years. I mean, I really do try to draw fanart for the things I enjoy, but during late last year and early this year, I struggled coping with a lot of toxic and negative feelings that started surfacing.... and I started to wonder why? Maybe was I comparing myself too intensely to the successes of others, and was too desperate to achieve their art-related success because I thought very little of myself? Was I pushing myself to accomplish too much in too little of time? I wanted to reach out talk to someone about it so badly, but it was hard because I didnāt want to admit to any friends how deep the feelings were actually affecting me. I got so depressed and miserable I had thought after a certain point.... why do I even bother continuing to be alive, why couldnāt I be happy..... why did I have to be born an artist? why couldāt I have been born with aptitude to be an engineer or doctor? no matter how hard I worked I just was not lucky enough. But rationally when my head was clear of such thoughts, I thought... maybe I just needed to stop being so hard on myself, to let go of the things I cannot control, and concentrate on what I CAN control - and give myself the freedom to draw what my heart was yearning for for so long.
but when I did, I still struggled with feeling shame. itās true that trying to get people to notice your originals, especially art of original characters, can be extremely tricky, at least at cons. I didnāt mind that tbh, I knew. but it was hard to pinpoint my exact feelings. well maybe I just needed to rebrand myself and do a better job at drawing what I like? so I tried drawing more artwork involving couples, because my OCs were a couple, and I noticed I started gravitating toward that kind of work. it hit me I wanted to be known as an artist who drew that kind of stuff - cute ships, wholesome couple energy, maybe even capturing such sensuality in intimate moments.... it gave me such happiness and life just wanting to see 2 people happy together...
but I think it hit me only recently why I felt so ashamed about it for the longest time was because a lot of my OC art is.... so personal, and when it hit me I was using it as a way to deal with some unconscious feelings Iāve had all these years, it shook up my world. there were so many people around me who were passionate about pursuing art for such noble and happy reasons...and here I was drawing because maybe I was just actually fucking lonely and needed an outlet for these stupid feelings of mine. And for me, being a somewhat reserved individual, this felt exposing to know.Ā
But at the same time, I donāt think thereās anything wrong with using art as a way of self expression, or a way to cope with things like trauma or your inner demons. because thatās what art is able to be. art.... has been a way to help me communicate things and ideas that I couldnāt when I tried being a musician at first. even though Iām not always passionate about art, I donāt think I could completely quit it as itās become almost my identity, and how I want to storytell. and I came to the realization thereās nothing wrong wanting to abandon pursuing it as a full-time career if you would rather preserve that side of it. and that thereās also nothing wrong pursuing another career and doing art on the side if it means you have the freedom to draw whatever you want to draw. I can understand the pressure of needing toĀ āmake itā to pay the bills if one feels like art is the only thing theyāre good at. but I guess Iām fortunate Iām in a situation where I donāt have to completely rely on doing so.Ā
pushing myself to do AA more... did jade me a little on what it takes to āmake itā as an artist. at first it /was/ rough, I stressed out for the longest time I was just some stupid artist with unappealing art. I worried a lot that pursuing my passion more seriously than just a hobby did end up making it feel like work. and thatās the tricky thing - all work IS work at the end of the day, and itās not always going to be enjoyable, but at what point do you start constantly hating your work and getting burned out?
but I didnāt want to end up hating art...I saw so many friends who actually did quit art because they couldnāt deal with their negative feelings about drawing and I worried.... would I end up being like them too one day?.... I donāt want to be the person who learned to hate art because I was so discouraged with life and envious of others because I was ānot luckyā. I was very close to that borderline earlier this year, and it was difficult trying to make changes within myself and always beating myself up when I regressed.
Iām not.... entirely sure what where I want to go from here on, or if things will get better. but maybe a few years from now, I would like future me to console the past me who cried every night and sayĀ ābecause you didnāt give up and found your way through those tears, look and what you were able to do. Iām so proud of youā
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