Desolation of Callum

Imogen wandered up the path that led to the Adams’ front door; textbook and notepad tucked under her arm. Addie had invited her over for a study session, which she was grateful for, as her studies had taken a major dip to make way for more training. Knocking on the front door, she only had to wait a few seconds before she was greeted by a somewhat flustered and fogged up Callum, who’s half-tied apron suggested he was in the middle of cooking. “Hey,” she chuckled at his hurriedness to take back what he’d said. “It’s fine, you’re right. I don’t know that last time I had a proper meal. I’d love a piece, if you have some to spare.”

It wasn’t a good day for Tasha, she had spent her whole afternoon working with her aunt trying to progress. The girl knew that it wouldn’t happen from one day of training, but it still upseted her. She didn’t want to go home so she found herself knocking on Callum’s door. It took him a few seconds to answer, but as soon as he opened the door Tasha could smell the chicken that was being cooked and a smile formed on her lips as she noticed that his glasses were covered in steam. “Hi… No one can’t say no to chicken. But are you sure? If you’re busy I can leave.”

i’m used to carrying things with me, you see. i’ve been dealing with sadness greater than me for years, and some days it almost goes away, almost, some days it’s as light as air, some days. and other days it feels like a mountain on my chest, growing with every breath i take, other days it feels heavier than the world, than all the joy and all that’s good. and see, i’ve learned to live with this, with knowing that life is both light and heavy and that some days are a breeze and others feel like an endless battle, and i know that for me life will often feel like a war and it won’t be about winning, but about surviving. i know this and the knowledge keeps me grounded, keeps me going. see, i also know that some days food will be nourishment for me, some days i will taste it and let myself feel it, feel the goodness of it. and other days, it will burn to swallow and it will feel heavy in my belly, it will feel like the enemy is attacking me from within. some days, it will be easy to eat and others it will feel like a choice between a rock and a hard place and i will know which choice to make and it will, still, feel like a mistake - doing good will feel like doing bad, staying alive will feel like a quiet death. but see, i know this, i know recovery is a process that doesn’t end just because you’re well, because as good as you get, one foot is always hanging off the ledge. i know how to live like this, i’ve learned you see, over the years. and that is why loving you will not be the end of me. that is why loving you the way i’ve never loved anyone and losing you the way i’ve only lost myself will be doable, survivable, possible. because i know you will never be gone, never forever, and the way i feel will change and fade, but never go away - and see - i am finally ok with that. i am ok with carrying you like a necklace around my neck, and some days it will feel like a noose, some days it will feel like i can’t breathe, but most days it will just feel like a reminder of a time long past, it will feel like a wind that is just a little bit too chilly, a memory a little bit too vivid, a hunger a little bit too numb and a bit of an empty smile. but see - i can handle that, i can survive you, i’ve survived worse.

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.”