to ashes and blood

jade has barely settled into his seat when he hears the footsteps , and he doesn't have to have a PHD to figure out who it is. his eyes snap to julie , brows raised as he uses the diversion of tabitha's attention to move his hands in a very what the fuck ?! gesture as he mouths ; I told you , I got it. but of course it takes tabitha's repeated insistences that she was , in fact , fine ( jade isn't sure if he'd go that far ) for julie to reluctantly relent. while the mother - daughter conversation wraps up , jade finds the antiseptic in the first aid kit and twists open the top. he sets it aside momentarily as he gently reaches for tabitha's injured hand and gingerly pulls back the dish towel.

' I don't know how you do that ... ' he admits , his gaze fixated on the lacerated skin he finds beneath the towel , still lightly oozing blood. ' put on a brave face like that ... I can't even manage that shit for my own benefit most of the time , I can't imagine trying to do it for someone else ... ' but even as he says it , he can think of a time he'd done his best to try ... and it hadn't even been that damn long ago , when tabitha had come back from the settlement and found him in the bar ... jade shakes his head lightly to clear it , and then keeping the towel positioned beneath her hand , he pours a little of the antiseptic over the wound. his features tighten in a sympathetic grimace , and he leans in to get a better look.

  her smile turns rueful as jade speaks, one shoulder lifting slightly. " it's just part of being a parent, " tabitha responds softly, although it feels like such a strange thing to say to jade. he'd been a parent before ... maybe not in this lifetime, but in another one. they'd been parents together. but how much of all of that does he actually recall? how much of that feels real? it's the same dilemma she's been struggling with ever since the day jade had played that song.

  " i haven't always been good at it, " tabitha admits, pulling her lower lip gently between her teeth. after thomas had died, she'd been beside herself, an emotional wreck with no hopes of helping herself let alone the children she still had left. if nothing else, being in this place has been a hard learned lesson in motherhood and selflessness. " but i owe it to my children to do better. "

i feel like i've asked this before but just bear with me:

on muse lists, is it easier if muses are listed alphabetically by NAME or alphabetically by FANDOM?

' you can fuckin' say that again ... ' jade grumbles , more under his breath than actually speaking to tabitha. he's already running it through his head , where to check for supplies before the absolute last resort of having to go and get kristi when tabitha's voice causes him to zero in on her again. I'm okay. ' yeah , you are ... ' jade agrees , moving to stand and , as he moves past her , his hand finds her shoulder and gives it a gentle squeeze. then , he's bounding up the stairs , loud enough that tabitha can track his progress all the way up , and that it draws the attention of the kids. julie's voice is barely audible , enough so that it can be heard but not entirely understood. jade's reply , however , is perfectly clear ; ' I've got it under control ... ' a pause , a female voice speaks again , then ; ' julie , seriously I've got it !! I'm just gonna scoot right by you ... '

  for the briefest moment, tabitha is actually grateful that her uninjured hand is currently applying pressure to the wound; it makes the urge to reach up and touch the hand he puts on her shoulder impossible to carry out. she watches him retreat from the kitchen, listening to his progress up the stairs. and of course the commotion is enough to draw julie's attention. tabitha listens to the back and forth, letting out a sigh of exasperation as she leans her elbows on the table.

  it isn't until jade makes his return that tabitha carefully peels back the towel to look at the wound. " uhh ... it's still bleeding a little bit, but less than it was, " she answers, gaze falling on the first aid kit briefly before shifting to jade. she opens her mouth to say something else when the sound of footsteps down the staircase break the silence once more.

  " mom? " julie steps in the kitchen, concern written all over her face. " what happened? are you okay? "

  " it's nothing, honey, " tabitha reassures her without skipping a beat. her head tilts slightly to the side as she offers up what she hopes is a calm smile. " the knife just slipped, that's all. it's not a big deal. "

  julie eyes the situation dubiously, glancing from her mom to jade and then to her mother's hand, still concealed beneath a dish towel.

  " i promise, everything is fine, " tabitha insists, reaching out to take her daughter's hand in her uninjured one. she squeezes it gently.

  " okay, " julie mutters with some reluctance. " i was just gonna go find randall ... i'll talk to kristi while i'm at the clinic, see if she has anything that might help. "

there's more he could say where ethan is involved ... part of him wants to reassure tabitha that she's doing her best in an impossible situation. that ethan reminds jade of himself in some ways , that he'd also experienced a hard loss at a young age ... he wants to tell her that everything was going to be okay , that ethan and julie would both make it through this goddamn nightmare and come out stronger for it ... but , jade lets the subject drop. not your monkeys , not your circus ...

  " at least now we know how to keep you in line. " her tone is light as she casts another glance in jade's direction, eyebrows raised. unfortunately, as so often happens in this place, the conversation grows a bit more somber from there. tabitha is silent for a few moments, considering his words. she hadn't been there when tian-chen had died, but she knew from ethan and julie alone how much the woman's absence was felt. it had never really occurred to her that jade had mourned her too, but the way he talks about her speaks for itself.

none of what tabitha says is surprising to him , jade can practically picture it --- and it's a hell of a lot nicer than most of the images he's able to conjure up in his head these days ... and soon enough , he has another mental image that he plans to keep ; jade just manages to catch the way the laugh shapes her mouth before her hand moves to cover it , and his stomach seems to flip. she's so goddamn beautiful ... he'd always pushed down that thought , refused to acknowledge it ... why would he ?? she'd been married , and while he might be a piece of shit , that was a line even he wouldn't cross ... now , the thoughts , the feelings are damn near impossible to ignore. his soul , and it sounds so fucking corny to think that , recognizes tabitha's ... but that's a dangerous road to tread , so jade scoops to pick up the rogue carrot and deflects ; ' what , really ?? ' for a moment , he genuinely tries to look as if that information is new to him. ' five second rule , right ?? ' he asks , moving to flip on the facet and rinse the piece of carrot off in the running water.

  she shakes her head, watching him clean off the bit of carrot and eat it. all the while, there's a tinge of fondness in her features that she wouldn't have been able to get rid of even if she'd known it was showing. " yeah, he does, " tabitha agrees softly, sighing as she sets her knife down for a moment to itch at a spot above her eyebrow. " probably a little too much sometimes. " she's always loved ethan's eagerness for learning and discovering new things, but here especially, she wishes that she could have protected him more from the darker things that life has to offer.

how good are your cooking skills ?? it's a question he should have seen coming , honestly ... and he probably should have considered coming up with a better answer before he'd opened his mouth in the first place. regardless , jade notices the hint of a smile on her lips , and something about it seems to settle his raging nerves ... ' decidedly not great ... ' he answers truthfully , but continues his forward trajectory towards her in spite of it ( as if he could possibly do anything else ) ' but , tian - chen did put me to work a time or two ... ' most likely complaining about him all the while , but he finds the thought far more comforting than insulting ...

  " that doesn't surprise me, " tabitha responds, her smile strengthening a little at the mention of tian-chen. " she liked to put everyone to work. " this kitchen — this house — certainly isn't the same without her. " ethan used to love helping her in the kitchen. any time she would start cooking, he'd be right there, just waiting for instructions. " it's weird to think about how much different things have become since their arrival; back then, it had almost been tame in comparison.

that out of place feeling seems to stick with him. it lingers through the conversation with the kids , through julie's whatevers and crossed arms , through ethan's questioning gaze and obvious hesitation. jade's dry - mouthed and anxious in an entirely new way , which is almost impressive ; this place has unlocked levels of discomfort and fear that jade had never even come close to knowing in his ordinary life. his bag , full of the measly possessions he has to his name --- possessions that don't even truly belong to him --- rests near the edge of the sofa. he refuses any other accommodations , citing the assurance that it would only be a few days ... that the sofa would do fine , he's slept worst places and he barely sleeps at all these days ... he actively tries to give off a temporary drifter vibe , someone benefitting from tabitha's unrelenting kindness and not that he's trying to fill the jim - shaped hole in all of their lives ... jade looks the part , feels the part ... hopefully ethan and julie feel it , too ...

the house itself feels different. not a bad sort of different necessarily , but jade feels tian - chen's absence acutely ... half expects to find her in the kitchen making tea , or kenny rushing down the stairs like a bat of of hell ... instead , it's the sound of julie's slammed door and ethan's far quieter retreat up the stairs. instead , he finds tabitha in the kitchen , seemingly prepping for supper by herself and --- as it so often does now , the sight of her stops him in his tracks. jade lingers in the doorway , unable to move closer or slink away as that feeling slams like a wrecking ball into his chest. he wonders if she feels it , too , on some level. wonders if she also just knows when he enters a room , when they share the same physical space as though their bodies were somehow attuned to one another ... but , jade gives his head a subtle shake and draws in a steadying breath. ' need some help ?? ' he asks , already taking a step forward before tabitha can answer.

  it's certainly taken some adjusting, having jade back at the house again. what had started as him offering his assistance to ethan in locating the lake of tears had steadily evolved, more or less, into ' helping to figure things out. ' the extent to which julie and ethan believe these excuses is difficult to gauge, and tabitha feels the incessant weight of guilt for keeping so much from them. but neither side says much more on it, and for now, that's probably for the best.

  she does wonder, however, the kind of toll it takes on jade, to be here and not really feel like he belongs. it's a weird limbo they're in right now, one that constantly has tabitha second guessing herself, both with the kids and with jade himself. she can't imagine how much more uncomfortable it must be for him. to his credit, he doesn't complain, doesn't try to push his presence in the house. while tabitha appreciates the respect he's shown, it seems as though he's been tiptoeing around them all. hopefully there'll be a time when it feels more natural for him to be here, if natural is even a feeling anyone can find in this place.

  tabitha moves around the kitchen — another thing that had felt neutral, enjoyable even, in the past — mostly on autopilot. her thoughts wander to the news she'd received from ellis earlier, that they'd retrieved roger's body from the settlement. that the wounds in his face had been sewn up like that of a doll's ...