BEYOND PAPER

A month ago, we said goodbye to Tita Baby. Everything was so sudden. The grief hit different this time. Bittersweet, but I’m happy that my brother and I got to be there for her in her last few months. While losing my aunt has been difficult on its own, it also brought back so many emotions surrounding the loss of my mom. It’s funny how grief works sometimes.. one memory leads to another, and suddenly you’re laughing at a story from years ago while also missing someone deeply. And I found myself thinking about my mom more. Missing one person somehow made me miss the other even more.

In between all of that, life has continued moving forward. Work has kept me busy as I’ve settled further into my new role, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning, growing, and trying to keep up with the never-ending list of things to do. Thankfully, I genuinely enjoy being busy (most of the time!!).

Also, I’ve picked up a new hobby: golf. Am I good at it? Absolutely not (yet! I’m definitely getting there) But I’ve been having a lot of fun learning, spending time outdoors, and discovering that golf involves significantly more patience than I originally anticipated.

I’ve also found myself thinking more about the future lately. I’m becoming more open to meeting new people and putting myself out there a little more. I’ve been setting new personal goals and spending time thinking about what I want the next few years of my life to look like.

One thing I finally decided to stop putting off? Going back to school. So yes, I’m officially heading back to get my Bachelor’s. I thought I was okay with just an Associate’s. But I reminded myself that I promised myself a Bachelor’s back then. It’s been on my mind for a while now, and it feels good to finally take the leap!!

Today marks one full year of my healing journey! A year ago at this exact time, I was probably drowning in tears, trying to understand how someone I loved for 5 years could walk away so easily. I remember thinking the pain would never end. I remember feeling like I would never fully be okay again.

And yet.. here I am. Full of whimsy, enjoying my time, and surely feeling like me again.

I didn’t think today would affect me as much as it did. I thought maybe I’d acknowledge the date and maybe feel a little weird about it, and then move on. But instead, it brought up way more emotion than I expected. Funny enough, my friend even had a story for me involving my ex today… as if the universe wanted to make sure I remembered exactly what this day meant.

If I’m being honest, I felt it. Not in the same way I did a year ago. Not in the all-consuming, world-is-ending kind of way. But in a quieter way. In the kind of way where sadness just sits and lingers in your chest with nowhere to go.

Because the truth is.. I don’t want to carry this sadness anymore. It’s so exhausting!!

It’s so easy to act like I’m over it. Easy to laugh, go to work, keep busy, and build a life that looks fine from the outside. But underneath all of that, there are still parts of it that hurt. Because one random day in April last year, someone I loved decided I was no longer worth fighting for.

And maybe what hurt most wasn’t even the breakup itself.. it was the lack of explanation, the lack of honesty, and the lack of respect.

After 5 years together. After all the patience I gave, all the forgiveness I offered, all the times I chose understanding over anger.. this person still could not give me the dignity of truth. He flipped a switch one day, decided he was done, and left me to make sense of the wreckage on my own. Cheers to him, I guess.

So that’s what I’ve mourned most this past year.. not just losing him, but grieving the realization that someone I loved so deeply did not love me with the same depth, care, or sincerity.

Still, if this year has taught me anything, it’s that loss is not always loss. Because yes, I lost a relationship.. but I also lost the anxiety. I lost the constant uncertainty. I lost the version of myself who was always waiting for reassurance, always trying to earn consistency, always hoping someone would become who they kept promising to be.

And at least he is no longer betraying me. At least I no longer live in fight-or-flight because of his choices. At least I no longer have to shrink myself to keep someone comfortable enough to stay.

So today is bittersweet. And anniversaries really do reopen wounds you thought had already scarred over. But even so, I would rather grieve what I lost than go back to what broke me.

There was one thing I wished for during that chapter of my life: that I wouldn’t become bitter. About you or about myself. And honestly, I didn’t. Even when you disrupted my peace a few months ago.

I didn’t speak badly about you (ok, maybe a liiitttlleeee but honestly you deserve it). I spoke honestly about your behavior and what it did to me. If that makes you look bad, then… that’s a reflection of your actions, not my words.

Sharing my experience isn’t bitterness, it’s clarity. It’s naming the patterns, the choices, and the behavior that crossed boundaries and disrupted my peace. It also dysregulated my nervous system. Bad.

i've been feeling a little sad lately and it feels like i don't know why. and sometimes i don't know what to do with my emotions lol. maybe that's why i'm in therapy?? anyways! while i was working today, i noticed the date.. which made me think about tomorrow. my mom's birthday. it would've been her 60th. and if she were still here, we would've had a grand celebration, i'm sure.

then the sadness sank in. because in the midst of all that i am going through, i seemed to have forgotten that her birthday is coming up. and i wish she were still here.

the past year, going through my grief with heartbreak, i found myself wondering about how my mom would've shown up for me. and it makes me sad when i think about all the milestones of mine that she has already missed. like graduating college, falling in love, finding my big girl job, getting my heartbroken, healing from said heartbreak. and even my brother's milestones! this guy promised her that he'd buy a house and so he did, before he became an RN at that. she's missed so much of what we've become.

we often hear she’s watching us from heaven. and maybe she is. but it’s not the same. and truthfully, it’s not always comforting to hear. because she should be here.

also, would my mom have fallen in love with kylo? (she was scared of dogs hahaha)

maybe that’s why my heart has felt heavier this week. grief has a way of circling back quietly, even when you think you’ve learned how to carry it. but really, it just changes shape.

if she were here, we would’ve celebrated big. instead, i’ll celebrate her quietly... by remembering, by loving deeply, by continuing to grow into the woman she raised me to be.

My therapist told me to write you one last do-not-send letter. So here I am.. I’ve been thinking about you a lot this past week, you’ve been haunting my thoughts again. When will you ever leave? I knew that you would linger, but could you linger less? I shouldn’t be thinking about or putting energy into someone who is most likely not thinking about me at all. But there was something in the air this past week that just kept bringing my wonderful brain to you. But don’t worry. I do not want to get back together with you. This is just what happens when you build habits and spend 5 years of your life with someone.

As much as I wanted it to be you, I am so glad our chapter has ended. With you, I was constantly anxious… I was often worrying about if you were talking to other girls behind my back. (You were.) My mind stopped becoming calm, even when things were good between us. I had this constant thought of, “is this too good to be true?“ when things were good. And it got to the point where I just let myself get used to it- the actions of you betraying me.

I was on the phone with my Auntie Inday over the weekend for an hour, and she expressed to me how grateful she is for my brother and I. My Auntie Baby has been struggling with her health and my brother and I have stepped up to assist her with her dialysis treatments every night- on the nights that my uncle has work. Every week since my uncle has gone back to work, I’ve been sorting out Auntie Baby’s medication into her pill box, it’s been harder for her to keep up with that stuff. I noticed that some pills would get mixed up and then she’d be all discombobulated because of it. Thankfully, we noticed a change in her energy once we started taking over that stuff!

Auntie Inday was tearing up on the phone.. Expressing her concerns about her older sister, telling me she wishes she could be here to help us out, and she was reminded of what she had to go through with my grandpa in his last years and what I had to go through with my mom. She said it’s like I’m doing it all over again, but this time for Auntie Baby. And she’s so grateful that we’re able and willing to help out.

She also told me that I remind her of herself. Which was very heartwarming to hear because I’ve always looked up to her since I was little! Always taking care of things and everyone’s go-to. And she said that I’ve become that- she’s seen how I handle things with grace and that she knows all of my cousins go to me whenever they need a little extra love or just someone to listen to… “even the older ones.” lol

I'm currently doing laundry and trying to tidy up in my bedroom for the new year... but I had the sudden urge to write. I randomly thought about my ex. I saw a Tiktok earlier that said, "in a few days, we are entering a new year where you and I didn't exist in together." That tugged at my heartstrings a little! As much as I am hurt and angry with him, it still made me sad. Because I truly did love him. And it sucks that he had to turn our amicable breakup into a disrespectful one. I wish he had never reached out after Thanksgiving, I wish he had just disappeared into the abyss of exes lol I tried my best to ignore him but something had that guy spiraling and I just had to say something back. It was literally harassment. He reopened this wound but now I think of him with anger and disgust- probably what I needed though. I was always wearing rose-colored glasses when it came to him.

I did everything “right.” I stayed calm. Respectful. I didn’t drag his name, didn’t start drama, didn’t explode. I tried to make the breakup gentle, amicable.

But his mask dropped- condescending remarks and immaturity where there used to be softness. An attempt to make me feel smaller than I ever was.

That’s what stays with you.. not how it ended, but the disrespect. Because when someone tries to make you feel small, it says so much about how small they are. There’s something kibd of sad about people who feel “powerful” only when they’re tearing down someone who’s just trying to keep the peace.

He really was fucked up to me.