I don't fight invalids

“hook is a villain he’s not getting a happy en-”

“hook doesn’t love emma he’ll leave her eventu-”

“you CSers are so delusio-”

“captain swan is never gonna be endga-”

The avengers are FALSE ADVERTISING.

1. Captain America

Apparently America doesn’t even have the position of “captain”??? There’s only President America. Are you the president Steve??? ARE YOU??? Yeah. Didn’t fucking think so. Terrible deception. -2/10

2. Iron Man

You’d THINK he’s made of iron but nooOooOO let’s call a superhero “iron man” and not tell anyone he’s actually made of HUMAN FLESH and ANXIETY I’m fucking PISSED 0/10

3. Black widow

Not a spider (smh). As if that’s not bad enough, she’s actually a white and unmarried woman. Disgusting. -4/10

4. Hulk

Definition: an old ship stripped of fittings and permanently moored, especially for use as storage or (formerly) as a prison. NOT a big angry Shrek. The sheer absurdity of it all. -6/10

5. Hawkeye

has human eyes -900/10

6. Winter soldier

He was a soldier so I’ll give him that. But also can be seen during ALL seasons, NOT JUST WINTER. 5/10 for half truth

7. Spiderman

Ok see this is fair because he’s got spider in his DNA. I’ve only got one criticism and it’s that he’s not a man. He babey. 7/10

8. Ant Man

DISGUSTING. HORRIBLE. REVOLTING. NOT MADE OF ANTS. DOESN’T EVEN HAVE ANT IN HIS DNA. JUST BECOMES V SMALL AND V BIG AS PER WILL BECAUSE OF SCIENCE. ANTS D O NO T BECOME V BIG. SHOULD’VE BEEN CALLED ELECTRICAL ENGINEER MAN or ANT IMPOSTOR MAN. -80/10

9. Vision

he can see. 10/10.

10. Scarlet Witch

often seen wearing scarlet things. scarlet magic waves come out of her hands. So that’s nice. Is never seen brewing even one (1) witch potion (paprikash does not count) or casting spells. Does some weird hand wavy thing. Yuck. Not a real witch. 4/10

11. Quicksilver

was v quick. Not made of silver though. Yet another half truth I’m sick of it 5/10

12. Falcon

regular man. Can’t even fly without science wings. Is never even seen swooping down on his prey. Decidedly NOT a falcon. -59/10

13. War Machine

has done like 3 wars at least so that’s good. Unsure whether the “machine” part is referring to the metal onesie or the man inside it. I’m gonna go with the former because James Rhodes is a hero in his own right. 20/10

14. Thor

Bonus:

Marvel: