the swan game

STUART TOWNSEND as Lestat de Lioncourt

Besides the fact that they're basically on a mission to hunt down the sister of one of them, who killed the mother of the other (awkward), what's getting to me is how neither of them is themselves right now.

Their first kiss happens when neither of them is actually herself.

Vi is wearing Enforcers' uniform, the same faction that killed her family, to go and kill her own sister. She says her sister is not there anymore, that she's ready to do what she has to, but she's lying to herself (as we see her later hesitate, obviously).

Caitlyn isn't just doing her job, she's not pursuing justice, all that is driving her now is the vengance that comes from her grief. Her promise is a lie because she's already changing, she's already acting against her own principles (not necessarly because putting Jinx down is wrong on its own right now, but for her reasons behind it).

They're both not really themselves, they're both lying, and neither of them is self-aware. Their first kiss is so emotional, and so wrong, and I knew from that moment that it would blow up to their faces.

Take the scene where Vi catches Caitlyn as she collapses and cries - this was stunning to me, because look:

(Credit for the gif is this post by @kensatou)

Even though Vi has been so extraordinarily tender with Caitlyn throughout their shared nightmare, she's still a product of what's happened to her. As Caitlyn falls towards her, Vi catches her, because of course she does, but look at her hands. An Enforcer moves at her and her heart says catch her but her gut says fists up. It doesn't matter that it's Caitlyn. It's instinctive. It's ingrained. She continues to do it in other scenes during vulnerable moments.

She is so, so gentle with Caitlyn and she is trying so, so hard but she cannot undo the habits and behaviors that a lifetime of trauma and uncertainty and violence have forced her to develop, not by her own choice or from sheer love for someone else. She's tried that before, it didn't work, and she knows it.

I love you, I'm sorry.

you were the best, but you were the worst.

as sicks at it sounds, i loved you first.

i was a d*ck, it is what it is.

a habit to kick, the age-old curse.

i tend to laugh whenever im sad.

I stare at the crash, it actually works.

making amends, this shit never ends.

im wrong again, wrong again...

"But [I'm] not."