第一年

So I don’t wanna be asking my parents for spare money because I’m a strong, independent, young, Taiwanese-American woman who don’t need no man (although I surely wouldn’t mind one), but oh ma gawd why is it so hard to land a summer job??? It’s New York City, for poops sake! Minimum wage is already way lower than it should be—I make more cleaning dishes back at school—and the numbers in my bank account are decreasing too quick for my faint heart to handle…

I miss it. I miss it so much.

After track season ended in May, I haven't really ran much. I went to Taiwan almost right after school ended to teach English, and then right after went to California, and then off to college. Everything happened so fast for me, and I didn't think I could take on the stress of being on a Division I team sport. I'm going with a friend to a high school track meet tomorrow (at The Armory indoor track), and suddenly it hit me how much I want to race there again. I think possibly the only thing I miss about high school was being on the track team. The only thing is, I don't want to be the one dragging down the team. I don't want to be the worst runner with the slowest times, struggling to keep up with the rest of the group. I DO want to keep in check with my health and keep exercising. I DO like competition and the adrenaline rush when I race. I DO like the feeling of being on a team and having mutual reliance and trust. But do the pros outweigh the cons?

I wasn't sure what to expect when I clicked that "like" button for the "to be honest" confession on my wall. When I saw the first line, I had to stop right there. I was shocked. I've never had anyone tell me this before. 

At first, I was confused and my mind was in denial. I don't have it all... whatever does she mean by that? I have problems like everyone else, too. My life and myself as a person are not, by any means, close to perfect. Then slowly, I proceeded to finish reading while deliberating over the validity of this statement.

I am relatively lucky compared to the greater majority of my peers. My family is middle-classed and fairly respectable. I've lived in the same house my whole life, with an older sister, loving parents, a doting grandmother (and my grandfather before he passed.) I know a lot of people, I have a lot of clothes, I eat well (not expensive steak or high-classed restaurants, but more like delicious, healthy, home-cooked meals), I always have whatever I need and sometimes even more. I did not really try hard in high school, but I still got good grades. I managed to get into a fairly competitive liberal arts college, and my parents, unlike most of my friends, are willing to let me attend this college of my choice despite the cost. 

In many respects, I understand what she means. But rather than see me as "having it all," I would say that I am just blessed. And with so many blessings in my life, I would like to share them with others. That's why I love volunteering so much, as well as teaching. I can help others who may not be as lucky as I am, and the greatest reward comes from knowing that they are one step closer to happiness, to growing, and to becoming who they want to be.

I decided to quickly skim over my Facebook newsfeed, and I happen to see a status mourning someone's death. I recognized the name and couldn't believe it at first. I typed his name into Google, and sure enough, the top two links were news articles of the story. 

I don't know what happened or what they did to you, but I hope that it was all just an accident. I know we aren't really that close, but we did make some memories together. Those times in middle school where you would come out of nowhere and call me Fruit (for whatever reason, I still have no idea), in high school when you would randomly text me happy birthday, and even when you made me run around the block chasing you to get my bento box back...and you just left it in the middle of the street and walked away. Even though I never really understood you and you always struck me as strange, no one could have ever imagined that this would be the end of the journey for you.

I wish your family well, and you should know that there are many, many people that miss you.

I've never really been the affectionate type. Sure, when I was younger I used to hug my parents every night before bed--heck, it was part of my routine day for much longer than most of my peers, I would say. I don't actually know when and why I stopped, but it probably started with me getting into arguments with them before bed and not wanting to hug them because I had lost. Or it could also be around the time where I began to stay up much later than them, and the "good night"s and hugs turned into just "good night"s, and eventually I resorted to just saying a brief "'night," and sometimes even just going straight into my room to sleep without a word. Is it weird that I kind of want to go back to those times?

In middle school and high school, I had friends who embraced me every time we saw each other in person. I thought it was cute, and from some of them I could genuinely feel the hugs, but it was never really my thing to initiate them myself. I didn't want to give anyone the notion that I liked them in that way, and I also never had strong urges to hug people. Therefore, I did not want to give a hug or kiss that I didn't truly mean to give. For girls, I would usually just give in because it would be kind of rude and unfriendly to say no, I suppose. It was a completely different situation with boys, however. I was really awkward with boys and I would refuse whenever they asked me to hug them. (Well, I'm still awkward with boys. And with everything in general. Some things just never change.)

I guess I have some strange logic that you shouldn't give anyone even the slightest idea that you feel the affection that you may indirectly (or directly) emanate to them. But now that I'm in college, these types of affection are constantly being used, and I'm exposed to it more so now more than ever.  I now recognize it as more of a friendly gesture, and that it doesn't necessarily involve any ulterior motives. While I'm still kind of against initiating, I pretty much have toned down on the refusing (excluding rare cases where I find some people slightly creepier than others). I have, however, reacted a little bit more than my peers when in contact with issues such as this, and I don't know if that has any effect on how I portray myself. Hopefully it doesn't make me seem unfriendly because that's the vibe I'm getting from myself. For example, this afternoon I was eating lunch with some friends, and I saw two other friends come up behind my roommate and hug her from behind, both at separate times, and both catching her by surprise. I, however, did not really get acknowledged much, so that hurt a little bit. :'(