So, what is a favorite person? Here’s another quote from another article (I will link all these in the comments when I’m done):

“An FP is someone to whom a person with borderline personality disorder (BPD) forms a strong attachment. People with BPD fear abandonment, and the anxiety this causes can be highly stressful. An FP may help provide reassurance, temporarily easing these fears. As a result, FPs become the person’s main source of support and comfort. However, according to a 2022 data mining study, the intensity of the relationship often seems to cause further problems, resulting in dependency, fear of rejection, or eventually, the breakdown of the relationship.”

In a nutshell, unless both the person with BPD and their FP have the tools and resources to manage the relationship effectively, it is not a healthy situation to find yourself in. For one thing, because the person with BPD typically wants their FP all to themselves, issues of possessiveness and jealousy can arise. 

BPD can also lead to “impulsive behavior, such as abusing substances or driving recklessly.” But it doesn’t necessarily have to be about drugs or driving— it just has to be reckless and impulsive. For me, this explains why Shauna sleeps with Jeff. Because, on the one hand, Jackie’s relationship with Jeff does make her jealous. On the other hand, however, turning around and sleeping with him herself is an impulse move stemming from that jealousy. It’s also super reckless, because Jeff could confess at any time and blow the whole thing up. But that’s part of the point. 

It’s a test. A really reckless, impulsive test that’s born out of insecurity and that fear of rejection I mentioned. Shauna may not even be self-aware of any of this, by the way. In her mind, she probably thinks she doesn’t want Jackie to ever find out. But, below the surface, she’s terrified about not knowing for sure if Jackie’s friendship (or, let’s be honest, love) is unconditional. The thought that it might not be unconditional keeps her tossing and turning at night— because if it’s not unconditional, then that threat of rejection and abandonment is always out there, looming like an atom bomb. 

Which brings me to the topic of what it means for someone with BPD to “split”. 

One article defines it this way:

“Common in those with borderline personality disorder (BPD), splitting is considered a defense mechanism by which people with BPD view others, events, or even themselves in all-or-nothing terms.”

But, specifically, in connection to having a favorite person, it means this:

“… fluctuating between extreme admiration and dismissal of the FP.”

So, if you are me or Shauna, it basically happens in the following way:

You develop an intense attachment to one person. It’s not always romantic in nature. It can be a best friend, a relative, or even a mentor. For Shauna and myself, however, it appears to usually be romantic. Ahem. 

In the early stages, you idealize this person, especially if they consistently return the attention you give them. This can last for weeks or even years, but even the most genuine and sincere-hearted FP will fall off that pedestal eventually. Most of the time, in fact, it won’t even be their fault. No one is perfect. 

Your fear of rejection and abandonment might even drive you into setting your FP up for failure. You might end up making impulsive decisions that will force them into “proving” something. They will either stay on the pedestal you put them on or they will fall down, proving your fears wrong or right. 

If they fall down (which they usually do, because you’ve usually rigged the game in a way that will prove your fears right), your feelings about them will instantaneously go from admiration to dismissal. This is also known as discarding. 

From the perspective of the FP, or anyone else unlucky enough to be standing around when it happens, your dismissal of them will seem cold-hearted and often ruthless. But, deep down, you’re really doing it out of self-protection. You want to make sure they can’t come back. In fact, it would feel better if you could just pretend you never even met them. 

You don’t really mean to hurt them. It’s just that your fears have consumed you at this point, and you’ve convinced yourself they never even loved you. They never meant a word of all the kind things they said. They’re liars. 

How could anyone ever love you? 

So you purposefully pull your claws out at the end. You are burning the bridge to the ground. There will be no salvaging this. 

In effect, you freeze them out. It feels safer for you that way, because it means you won’t have to live with that constant fear of abandonment anymore. 

The only problem is realizing later what a dumbass mistake you made. You wake up the next morning and realize that you were the asshole. But, of course, it’s too late to apologize by then.

She’s gone, and you only have your own actions to blame. 

You would think that Shauna and I would have learned a valuable lesson after our first tragic discard— like that maybe we’re the problem and should find effective ways to keep our fears from hurting other people— but that’s not how it went for us. 

Because, eventually, someone else came along and said, “You've changed out here, and I like that you're not afraid of the bad parts of yourself anymore.”

Gee, that sounds an awful lot like unconditional love to me, doesn’t it? Kind of makes me get little pink cartoon hearts in my eyes, because no one has ever loved me that hard before, so this naturally must be the kind of woman who makes me say things like:

But even someone as loyal as Melissa couldn’t stay on that pedestal for long. How many times did Shauna’s impulsive, reckless behavior test Mel’s “unconditional love” before this finally happened? 

So right about now you might be asking, “But why marry Jeff? Surely he was never one of Shauna’s favorite people.” 

And you would be right. 

Because, sometimes, people with BPD ultimately choose to “avoid forming new relationships, leading to an increase in isolation.” And I would argue that’s exactly the path Shauna chose when she married Jeff. He is her isolation. In fact, he’s more than that. He’s her prison. But sometimes prisons can feel like the safest places to be when you don’t trust yourself anymore (or when you don’t trust other people anymore, depending on how self-aware you are). 

At this bend in the road, however, is where Shauna Shipman and I part ways. I started looking for tools and resources to help manage my fears. That doesn’t mean I’m perfect. That doesn’t mean I should let my guard down. I still need to keep myself accountable to ensure I don’t end up emotionally scarring myself or others. This will be a continual journey for me. 

Then again, I did not spend 19 months in the Canadian wilderness being constantly traumatized. 

So maybe we should give Shauna a break for never quite learning her lesson. She is not “evil”, after all. She is deeply, deeply afraid of being unlovable, and that probably started a long time before the plane even crashed. 

As a side note, now imagine if Lottie became one of her favorite people. I might expand on that at a later date, but... not good for anyone, right?