c h r i s

a tiny, insignificant speck,

meaningless in matter and form.

the speck had been through a lot. lost friends. grown out of tradition. transitioned through its life as one of 7 billion other specks in this grand world. one might ask “why does any of this matter? this is but a mere speck without meaning and purpose that cannot even fathom what is beyond”.

despite all of the negativity in the world, this speck had an optimism that could not be rivaled. idealistic, yes, but the speck had caution. caution...because throwing one’s ideals and aspirations into this world, dangerous in its influences and effects, blindly without caution is the quickest way to death. a death of the soul. a death of the light within. and this...this death is far too often the death of everything.

this speck is 18 going on 19. this speck is a student, a brother, a friend. this speck seems to be much like other specks in the world. but this speck is different. this speck does not know it yet, but is much stronger than he believes. this speck is smart and thoughtful and sweet and a good companion. but he does not believe this...

it is a process to realize one’s self worth. one’s meaning. one’s place in the midst of 7 billion other specks. maybe not today, but soon. and once the speck realizes his gift...

background: i had a pretty significant episode a few days ago my mood deteriorated pretty severely, seemingly out of nowhere...

not sure if it’s the lackluster nature of my summer compared to previous years or the fact that i’m missing school and certain people, but everything just collapsed. ever since, i’ve been worrying about if things will be the same when i go back. i had become too comfortable in their comfort and proximity that when things stopped, i felt super alone, as if i was unable to support myself and i needed them to be stable emotionally. it’s a weird intertwining...like braiding or something.

i feel fine, but i know i’m still fragile. i miss a lot of things and people, but most of all i miss myself. i don’t feel the same, and this rut has made that rudely apparent. i need to focus on myself, detox, and figure out my mindset. i need to build up myself so when things fall, i’m strong enough to catch the pieces that need to be caught. in that same mindset, i need to be strong enough to realize that it’s time to let go of the pieces that need to be let go of. idk.

on a side note, good music is so refreshing for the mind. just jamming by yourself if enough to get your mind off a lot of things. or give you inspiration to vent in a healthy manner. might write soon too. more poetry or whatever my posts are like. it’s been a while.

this is a tale of the test of time, of faith.

blinded by preconceptions and difference.

“they would be sublime,” but as if some wraith

interfered, there was severance.

all that they lacked was compensated through

love: sweet, passionate love, a sacred vow,

a flowering grove, cultivated by few.

but fire begot impotent ash...how?

society did not believe in love,

society did not care for desire.

they quit and gave up when push came to shove

they let doubt settle, dulling the fire.

so fight. for freedom. for us. for you and i,