hello world

okay, i reply. i smile at you and keep my voice light. i tell you not to apologise. you haven’t done anything wrong. and you haven’t, not really. you can’t help your feelings and neither can i.

but i can still feel my heart sinking as i replay that moment over and over in my head. i can feel something dislodge in my chest. something that i have managed to keep hidden away for so long.

why can’t we choose our feelings? if we could, i would switch off whatever i felt for you. i would switch off that ever present feeling of emptiness and fill myself up with glee and excitement. i would fill myself up with whatever it took to mask the pain of what you just told me. i want to mask everything. i don’t want anybody to see me, to see my true face, to see the true me. because look what happens when i do.

are loved

deserve to eat

are needed & valued

should take care of yourself

have a future