Dripping In Diamonds Darlings

The face you make when your best friends are talking about their slow burn little date nights with their crushes while you are secretly blowing their crushes' best friend's mind and back out with the active fucking you two are engaged in since day one....

I feel like I have changed after watching this show. There are some shows that just make me question life, humanity, and people in general. Not necessarily bad questions, just questions. The last show that I felt this way was DNA Says Love You (at least I am pretty sure that was the last one). There are times when certain characters will stick with me long after the show is over. For DNA it was Amber. For 180 degrees, it is Wang. Wang is and will always be the perfect example of a young adult. When we first meet him, he is very lost. Both physically in the woods, but also in his life. The death of his father, the controlling nature of his mother, and his sexuality, has caused him to feel very alone in this world. But beautiful Wang is a fighter. He is curious and demands answers. He wants the world around him to be better, more accepting, and more fair. Does that make him naive? Unwilling to compromise? Maybe.... but he comes from a place where he and his feelings are always pushed to the side. He is ignored and told to fit into a nice little box that others want him in. And through the course of this show and his time with In, we see Wang learn that he needs to fight for his own beliefs and feelings sometimes. That it is not wrong to ask questions, to love, to explore what makes us human. And it is not wrong to have desires and wants. Wang had to learn that while those desires ultimately led to the event that killed his father, he is better off feeling then hiding it away. Wang realized his father can live on in him, as long as he is true to himself. And that is what will carry Wang forward. He was brave enough to fight for who he loves. Strong enough to stand up for what he wants. Willing to speak the truth into existence, even if it will hurt him in the end. Wang deserves better. A better mother, a better life, and for sure a better version of In. But Wang knows he is moving on as a better person. He is healing and ready to continue the fight. I am grateful that I spent the past 8 weeks watching this man show the world (or the smaller group of us who watched this show) what true strength and bravery is.

What is so impressive about the arc Wang goes through, is the complete lack of growth we see from In. In started and ended this show as the same scared broken coward. And I am trying very hard to have some compassion for him. At his core, what In is most afraid of is romantic love from the same gender. He had no problem when Mol and Siam loved him as friends. But then Siam said the word love and it changed everything. In folded in on himself, hiding from the truth, running to escape the words that had been spoken into the air. And it was that cowardice that eventually caused Siam to break as well. And In has lived in the prison he built for himself ever since. And now we have Wang who was brave enough to speak those words into existence again, and In is hiding again. The fight these two had in the bedroom was one of the best displays of acting, and also one of the most heartbreaking scenes to watch. At one point Wang is pleading In to speak the truth back to him. And as Wang is growing more frustrated and emotional, In tells Wang not to yell and Wang yells back about how no one can hear them, they are in the middle of nowhere. And it was in this moment that I think both Wang, and myself, saw how this would end. The problem is not other people, the problem is In. He will never accept himself, ever. And Wang gives it one more try to force In to tell him he loves him but no matter how hateful Wang's words get, no matter how he says it, In will never fight for him. Wang then let's it all out, every last feeling he has bottled up inside of him. And it was harsh, mean, and he said some nasty things. He said the exact thing that In has always felt worst for, that he caused Siam's death. And In is fully broken because of it. Wang sees this shell of a man that he loves and while it breaks his heart, he decides he must leave In. Wang will heal from his broken heart, he will live a wonderful life, and In will stay locked away in his prison, forever hiding from the one person who saw his rock bottom, knows the truth, and found a way to love him anyway.

Oh yeah, and Mol is manipulative, Wang goes out of his way to make her feel better, and he loves her unconditionally. Which is the same as where we started.

They get an episode where they are in love and talk about their feelings and their relationship grows...

Same people " it was just a filler nothing important "

It’s all about Porsche and his character development. (You know: Porsche. Literally one half of KinnPorsche. The show half named after him?)

In fact, most of the episode is from his POV. He’s in most scenes and most of them are seen through his eyes. He’s in his head and we’re right there with him. 

We’ve already established most of this as viewers, but this is Porsche’s opportunity to come to terms with these things as well (since he’s getting a little break from getting shot at):

Porsche is in love for the first time in his life

Porsche is sexually and romantically involved with a man for the first time ever

Porsche realizes that despite his rather promiscuous past and adventures with the ladies, he knows nothing about love or relationships. (Has he ever made love sober? Has he? Has he ever been touched while not intoxicated? I don’t think so)

Porsche realizes he doesn’t want to lose this/whatever this is. He asks for advice. He says to Yok, verbatim. “I really don’t know where to start. What should I do next?” 

Porsche works to make this work/whatever it is. He studies for their date/the first date of his life (kill me) and wants it “to be perfect”. 

Porsche realizes that, unlike him, Kinn has known love before and has experienced it before. 

Porsche experiences intense jealousy and insecurity for, possibly, the first time ever. He’s learning who he is as a lover. He’s learning new things about himself.

By the end of the episode, Porsche decides that it’s okay that’s he’s not Kinn’s first love, because he’s his now. Plus: A: Tawan is literally dead. Kinn won’t stay hung up on a dead person B: Kinn is convinced that Tawan never loved him, that he betrayed him, and that he was just using him. Kinn values loyalty above all else. Porsche is loyal. He’s not worried

Except everything crumbles at the end because:  A: Tawan is very much alive B: Tawan is going to fight like hell to change Kinn’s mind about his loyalty and his love 

So what’s the point of this episode? This ep is here to make the angst that will follow hurt A HUNDRED TIMES MORE. 

Porsche, in his own way, said ‘I Love You’ to Kinn twice (when he slapped Kinn in Ep7 and when he said that Tawan’s ghost was just jealous that they’re “in love”)

Do you know how many times Kinn said it back or validated Porsche’s feelings with words? ZERO TIMES.

And do you know how many times Kinn mentioned the word ‘Love’? Twice. And do you know who it was about? Tawan. 1) “I couldn’t imagine how I could stop loving him [Tawan]” 2) “He never loved me [Tawan]”

IN CONCLUSION:

Porsche is going to be heartbroken and so are we. We’ll likely get the “What was I to you? Did you ever even love me? Was I just a replacement for the real thing? Are you just going to throw me away now that you have him back? Now that he’s proved that he’s loved you all along and that he never betrayed you?” 

Porsche is giving Kinn his everything. All of his firsts. (And all of his lasts). His first love, his first date, his first jealous feelings, his first kill, his first gunshot wound, his first fuck, (+ his first sober fuck), his first fight, his first slap, his first heartbreak.

Porsche is giving Kinn everything because he simply cannot not give him his all. He’s already crossed the point of no return.