i have so much to figure out in the next few months and it’s a lot to handle, so much guilt on my shoulders from it, and so much pressure

my life is just a joke honestly... and i feel horrible about many things

maybe in a year or two it’ll be better. maybe. if i make it that long.

i am just thinking about if/when i get all of this done, will i feel any better? that’s kind of what scares me the most. will i feel better. what if i don’t, what if i feel the same?

i’d rather be dead if i feel the same after all is done. i can’t go on my whole life living with this much guilt and regret. it sucks. it pains me so much. it hurts all the time. i just want to breathe easily again. i haven’t been able to for the past 4 years. but it’s my fault. entirely. and i need to accept that. as much as it hurts. as much as it hurts my pride and everything i stand for.