Welcome To The Countdown Of My Life

@eloquentdirtbag

I have a suicide pact with myself: If by 2025 I can sustain a life worth living, then I will choose life. If I cannot, I will choose death. I've been working to build this life, but the end is still a question mark. I don't have much time left. You can follow my journey if you want. May it help you in some way. (I'm 35. Please no minors here)

143 posts

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Countdown:

5 days

#tw #su1c1d3 #su1cide #tw su1c1d3 #su1c1dal #su1c1d4l #tw sui ideation #tw self destruction #sui mention

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I don't want to go quietly.

#mental health #actually mentally ill #mental illness #spilled thoughts #tw self destruction #tw #su1c1d3 #su1c1d4l #tw sui ideation

Maybe I'll decide to live, maybe I won't. But either way, until then, I'm gonna throw self-preservation to the dogs, and dance with the Devil.

darktraumabomba2

The light in the dark.

eloquentdirtbag

Take me.

So what am I doing nearing the end of my life?

Inviting strangers to my home to come rape and abuse me. I've given my address and door code to people whose names I don't know and whose faces I haven't even seen, and I just risk my life at their hands.

At one point I was choked out and came to, and I... did not even care. I could have died with his hands around my throat, and it just felt like... nothing.

I am completely unafraid to die; might as well dance with the Devil.

#tw #spilled thoughts #tw self destruction #tw sui ideation #su1c1d3 #su1c1d4l #rapekink #r4p3 kink #dangerous #r4p3 m3 #r4ape kink #tw death

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Maybe I'll decide to live out of sheer fucking spite.

#spilled thoughts #tw self destruction #su1c1d3 #su1c1d4l #tw #su1cide #su1c1dal #actually mentally ill

ufocomeandgetmeplease-deactivat

"I have spent my life resisting the desire to end it."

- Franz Kafka

HAHAHAHAHA

Of course this would happen just as I'm weighing the pros and cons of staying alive.

America has chosen. Life is a tragic sitcom.

See you in the next life, y'all. There's no way I'm surviving this.

Expect more suicides.

*more maniacal laughter as tears roll down my face*

#su1cide #su1c1d4l #su1c1dal #su1c1d3 #tw depression #depression #tw depressing thoughts #tw self destruction #tw depressing stuff #depressing shit #mental health #actually mentally ill #mental illness #spilled thoughts #tw #tw sui ideation

"We already know what's going on with you, so why do you have to keep harping on it?"

This is what I was told by a group facilitator the other day, in a partial hospitalization treatment program, in reference to my suicide pact.

This is the state of affairs in our mental health system. This kind of thing, all stacked up over time, is part of why people give up on getting help. To my fellow suicide planners and mental health patients, I wish you all the best, but good fucking luck.

#mental health #actually mentally ill #mental illness #spilled thoughts #tw #tw self destruction #su1c1d3 #tw sui ideation #su1c1d4l #tw depressing thoughts #tw depressing stuff #tw sui talk #tw su1cide #tw su1c1d3 #su1cide #su1c1dal #mental health support #mental hospital #mentally unstable

Finally updating my countdown after surgery.

#mental health #actually mentally ill #mental illness #tw

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minimalistquotes

It's happening. You're being pushed to higher levels at this very moment. All of that patience, self-control, and discipline made your spirit resilient and your mind sharp. The Universe keeps flooding your spirit with signs, telling you to prepare for something amazing. Don't spend another second worrying about what's to come; the doorway to your next chapter is right in front of you. That glorious breakthrough you've been praying for is finally here. Welcome the new energy that's arrived at your doorstep. With all of that space cleared out in your soul, your blessings now have a place to safely land. Get ready; they're closer than you think.

#reblog

minimalistquotes

If you can dream with a damaged mind and love with a broken heart, you deserve this world and all of its treasures.

#reblog

miseducatedmelanicmuse

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stay-close

“Please stop destroying what is left of your heart by constantly thinking about things that have broken you.”

— Unknown

#reblog

letsbelonelytogetherr

— Silas Melvin

#reblog

Welcome To The Countdown Of My Life @eloquentdirtbag - Tumblr Blog | Tumlook

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