My Mental Junk Drawer

last part

Nietzsche  “when I think of the desire to do something, how it continually tickles and stimulates millions of young Europeans, who cannot endure themselves and all their ennui. I conceive that there must be a desire in them to suffer something. in order to derive from the suffering, a worthy motive for acting or doing something. Distress is necessary…. This young world desires that there should arrive from the outside.— not happiness but misfortune and their imagination is already busy before hand to form a monster out of it. So that they may afterwards be able to fight with a monster.”

so when happiness does occur in our lives or obtain the conditions that would allow for it to… many of us, do not accept it…. We might sabotage it., rejected it, look for what’s still wrong or contrive something being wrong

Arthur Schooenhavre “the safest way of not being very miserable is not to expect to be very happy”

The idea of liking, justifying or pursuing sorrow and discontent, isn’t without reasonable critics

for me, learning, seeking, growth, improving is what I desire, not happiness.. is the most meaningful interesting life possible … reaping and persisting thru suffering and enjoy/appreciate happiness presently/fully when it comes, and when I can… then moving on

An impossible, constant balancing act unique to the value and strength of each individual

if we want engagement, wonder, meaning, greatness, and a sense of forward motion to some degree. We should embrace our desire for discontent, until at the end of our life, when we have done everything we could to produce the greatest piece of art that is our BEING and we are exhausted and ready to move on… we are able to say….

tell them, I’ve had a wonderful life​

example

life=creative process= think of your life is like the creative process

It may seem as an enhance process of divine burst of inspiration and talent

HOWEVER​

What is more typical is a process of continual dissatisfaction

Sometimes you can become in a flow state temporarily, which can be a bit pleasant but broadly, the creative process is beset with uncertainty, self doubt, misery, stress, and discontent

Noticed the degree of how great a creative work is most often depends on how unhappy the creator was with their work throughout the process…..but until the end, after countless brushstrokes or key pushes or pages written or answers attempted and so on….. all of which were deemed as not good enough… By the end, relief and maybe pride, and some form of meaningfulness is likely to be experience…exhaustion but fueled willingness to move on….but not happiness. (at least not in the traditional sense) happiness Never really enters the stage or at least not for long

AND YET​

the show is still incredible somehow, still desirable and worthwhile if you are able to persevered through… the creative person almost always returns to do it again and again and again

what is life if not merely the greatest Art pieces we will all create

the process of continually defining, striving and achieving new ideas and goals in life is the means through which an individual can achieve a meaningful and worthwhile life…Is called this concept ”self overcoming”

by continually creating a new image and then recurrently going through a process of self-destruction and self creation towards it the individual,… Justifies life‘s suffering and develops personal meaning and greatness through it

What is needed throughout this process is the continual sense of this satisfaction and misery

In this paradigm… the basis of meaning is self creation and self improvement

HOWEVER​

desire= the basis of desire is discontentment

So here, the reflective interdependent relationship btwn desire and misery emerges

If we agree with this What a strange way….

We desire desire’s continuation and we need discontentment and the misery that stems from it for this to occur ​ The end of desire is the end of sorrow — the Buddha

desire and sorrow are interlocked… two sides of the same coin

(and some myths… and TV shows… death and Destiny are twins)

in a strange way, if it is true that we want to persist our desire we desire this existential sorrow

And even stranger way by not having our desires satisfied, we satisfied our ultimate desire= the desire or the continuation of desire

pt1

I will break this up into a few post bc it’s long. But if you knew me, it wouldn’t be uncommon for you to hear me talked abt emotions. I love them. Sadness can have beautiful qualities (shows you care) , Anger is a great motivator if you don’t let it consume you or turn you to hate…fear is still shit, tho…but also can be a great motivator.

Happiness is an abstract word, so it can mean a lot of different things for a lot of us.

For me Happiness is overrated

I never try to be happy, or try to set goals to be happy or believe if I do this thing, I will become happy… Yes, there are things that make me happy and making my life easier makes me happy. But my goal isn’t to be happy. It’s deeper than that. Building character is more important to me than being in a constant state of happiness. I can’t build character without it being tested, here and there.

Happiness is like all emotions to me. I don’t set out to be/feel a certain way or stay fix in a certain emotion….to be sad, anger, happy etc…it’s kind of what happens to you during life and you just go with it, appreciate it and/or learn from it…that’s flow, to me.

I don’t see happiness as smth to try for… But, to learn, grow, and explore is what I desire

what I desire is the strange Which happens to be a paradoxical comfort of misery’s discomfort… the soothing darkness of melancholy… like there’s something peaceful to sit in a small town quiet cemetery….

How/why is it?

Why /how can ppl be so smart, aware, equip, even successful and well off

AND​ still feel so unhappy? Appeared to be unable to obtain what we want…. Perfect happiness and contentment and peace.

BUT MAYBE​

bc of this, we actually do not want these things Maybe we are far less aware of what we really want and how our minds really work

—— right now, if you could push a button and never feel misery or any discomfort ever again… and forever be in a state of bliss… Would you do it? If not, why? What does this suggest about what you really want and value in life? Experiencing the so-called ideal all the time is not ideal Never experiencing the so-called undesirable is undesirable are these things really as they seem? Huxley=from the “Brave New World” ”but I don’t want comfort, I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness, I want sin….”

Our conscious minds, tell us we desire happiness, and simultaneously, our subconscious mind conceals from us that are real desire is a sort of unhappiness and all the states/views that grow out of its muddy but fertile soil.

To actively seek happiness seems to be a mirage created by the opposing temperatures of our conscious and subconscious mind The heat of your conscience, desires and hopes met with the cold indifference of our subconscious mind continually unsatisfiable nature

Ludwig Wittgenstein Describe himself as miserable his entire life. Depression, anxiety, anger, self loathing, loneliness, and an impossible desire for perfection and philosophical truths…which he never found

BUT Yet,​ on his deathbed, his last words were…”tell them I’ve had a wonderful life”

This raises the question How can someone who live there life in misery? Also claim they lived a wonderful life?

what does this mean abt what a wonderful life is or could be?= And how happiness and misery play a role in its development

The strange divergence btwn day to day happiness, and the quality of the net outcome of one’s life

But in context the purposeful life… it is to ponder that a good life is not one without misery, but rather it is one that is often seeping with it

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Notes=

Look, there are different degrees of misery, … some are not in the category of functional, melancholy, discontent, Is likely different than depression or a lifetime of overdrawn misery) (and I’m not saying you shouldn’t enjoy stuff and you shouldn’t do things that make your life better-Like sleep, diet, exercise, financial stability, close friends, loved ones ,can make a substantial difference in should be optimized as best as you can

The protégé effect is a psychological phenomenon where teaching, or preparing to teach, information to others significantly enhance a learner's own understanding, retention, and motivation

In the ’80s, my dad got a Commodore 64. Later, when our school library got its first 10 computers, 3rd grade, teachers assumed I knew how to use them. I didn’t. Still don’t, really.

But I got picked to be a helper anyway. I remember classmates calling me over ….some seeing a keyboard for the first time. They were stuck… the computer told them to press E S C… so they pressed E, then S, then C. Nothing happened. They couldn’t exit. I had no idea what was going on. But I saw a key labeled “esc”, pressed it, and bingo ….it worked. That was my first time even noticing that key existed.

That’s a small example, but it’s how it’s always worked for me. In math, teachers and my dad would volunteer me to help others ….sometimes older kids, sometimes problems I hadn’t done in years. I’d figure it out as I went, in real time, w/o anyone knowing I didn’t have it all figured out/had no idea what I was looking at…however, I always figure it out And a lot faster than when I was by myself trying figure out my homework, it took me hours, but if I taught someone , I would have it figure out 10-15 mins tops

At first, I wondered if it was just smth in my head …me noticing a weird personal quirk. So I looked it up. Sure enough, it’s a real thing….called the protégé effect.

The idea is simple…..when you teach, explain, or demonstrate smth, your brain can’t just float through the motions.…you have to organize the material, simplify it, and make sense of it in a way someone else can follow. That forces active recall, focus, exposes gaps in your understanding, and strengthens memory far more than just reading or observing.

song lyric by The Mars Volta

I've been thinking about this lyric for a while, and how I feel and relate to it (not necessarily the songs meaning)

I don't think, "Ppl shouldn't change their minds." Quite the opposite…we should all be willing to change our minds. But there is a difference in changing your mind bc you've done your own thinking…or bc someone else did the thinking for you.

That's where my sympathy begins to fade. To me, 'persuasion' is the fear that convinces someone to surrender their autonomy. Once someone gives up their ability to think for themselves, I find it hard to fully trust them

I don't believe in blind faith…whether it's in a religion, a political, a charismatic leader, or even a friend. If someone tells me an entire group of ppl is evil, dangerous, lazy, or destroying society, ….im going to ask, Is that actually true and if so, what are the reasons? I don't want fear to make me cruel to ppl who don't deserve it. What kind of person would that make me, if I did? Not a person I would want to be…that’s what kind.

History is full of ordinary ppl who didn't wake up wanting to hate others. They were persuaded/taught. They stopped asking questions, stopped examining evidence and let someone else decide who deserved sympathy and who didn't.

To me, that's what "persuasion deflowers your sympathy" means. It strips away the willingness to see another person's humanity before passing judgment. You got easily sucker into giving up your humanity for hate/fear. You’re easily turned.

Think of cowards, they can’t be trusted…not bc I think they're bad ppl. A coward can have the best intentions in the world. They can be kind, generous, and compassionate while life is easy, but fear has a way of rewriting ppl’s values. When enough pressure is applied, a coward may throw someone else under the bus just to feel safe. Their fear becomes more persuasive than their conscience.

They can be good when life is good, but they give up being good when the going gets tough, they hide behind =money, gods, titles, status, scapegoats, the innocent, jobs etc…I can’t stand that, never trust someone like that.

I'd rather trust someone who questions their own side than someone who never questions it at all. To me it is very telling when ppl only defend a belief but never plays offense…i like putting my beliefs up so others can scrutinized, punch holes …so I know where my blindspots are, my weakness…so I know where to look to make my belief stronger, start asking new questions or start looking for a new belief, branch away from that part

Critical thinking is abt protecting you and other ppl from our own certainty. Every accusation deserves scrutiny, every rumor deserves investigation, every belief deserves the humility to ask, What if I'm wrong?

“it’s ok to break the rules, if you understand why you’re breaking them first.” (from a teacher of mine)

I’m dyslexic. Bc of that, in school I had to work extra hard just to keep up in certain subjects. Starting in second grade, I was placed in a small speech/sound and reading, writing class …only about seven of us …for a period/hour or two each day. Usually during regular reading time, I’d go to my “special” class.

I actually loved it.

We didn’t just sit at desks and listen. We moved around, interacted with things, learned through doing, sing songs, etc. It was fun. And sometimes we were taught things the regular classes weren’t. Like how W can function as a vowel, not just Y. Or how “the” is pronounced thuh before consonants and thee before vowels. Ppl know this now bc of computers and the internet, but it wasn’t taught back then …and I remember getting into endless arguments with classmates about it.

Anyway, back to the main point

One day, while my teacher was helping me with grammar and writing, I pointed out that a famous author had made a mistake by starting a sentence with But. I had just learned that conjunctions weren’t “allowed” to start sentences (that’s what they taught in the 80/90s) that it was bad grammar. Grammar was hard for me, and still is, so I was really trying to understand it properly.

That’s when she said smth that stuck with me…

She told me… it’s okay to break the rules, if you understand why you’re breaking them.

That was the moment.

Not just about grammar, but about life and not fully right then, but it planted itself in my brain. We talked about why someone would start a sentence with a conjunction. What it does to rhythm, emphasis, and voice. When it’s wrong or intentional.

That idea never left me, I adopted it as a way of navigating the world… learn the structure, respect it, understand its purpose ….and then, if you break it, do so deliberately, not accidentally.

My new favorite quote, from Fallout: "Question is, will you still want the same things when you have become a different animal altogether?"

We celebrate learning from the moment we're born. We're encouraged to gather knowledge, acquire skills, and accumulate experiences bc it feels like progress. Learning is often seen as the path to growth. Yet some of the greatest leaps in human history, and in our own lives, came not from adding smth new, but from letting go of smth old and familiar. Sometimes wisdom isn't what we add to ourselves, but what we have the courage to remove.

Some of my favorite musicians and authors say that when they're writing a song or story and get stuck… they go back and take out their favorite part. Almost like magic, they become unblocked. Over time, they realize they were trying to force an idea, phrase, or scene that they became too fond of, and it was keeping everything else from flowing together

Unlearning is not simply abt discarding outdated beliefs, traditions, or knowledge. Sometimes an idea isn't wrong… it is simply incomplete. As we move thru life, new experiences, perspectives, and discoveries reshape our understanding of ourselves and the world. A philosophy that once guided us may no longer fit the person we've become. A belief that once provided answers may begin raising more questions than it resolves. Growth requires the humility to recognize when an old map no longer matches the territory

Science itself is built on unlearning. Entire worldviews have been abandoned to make room for better ones. Humanity once believed the Earth sat at the center of the universe. We believed diseases came from bad air. We believed continents were fixed and unchanging. We believed left-handers or ppl with epilepsy were possessed by demons. Progress occurred bc ppl were willing to question assumptions that no longer matched reality. The same pattern can be seen throughout human culture. Religions and Gods rise and fade. Languages branch and transform, as well as, Traditions and understandings evolve.

Yet unlearning is often far more difficult than learning. Learning feels like gaining smth, I suppose, while unlearning feels like losing smth…or like smth bad. A belief is rarely just an idea… it becomes part of our identity, our community, and our understanding of the world. To question a belief can feel like questioning ourselves. It brings feelings of shame or guilt bc we feel we are letting other ppl, ancestors, or our cultural community down, or that we are weak. That is why ppl often defend assumptions long after evidence has debunked them. The threat is not simply to the belief, but to the sense of stability and meaning built around it

Many of the beliefs that shape our lives were never consciously chosen. We inherit them from our families, cultures, religions, schools, and experiences. Some become so familiar that we mistake them for truth itself. We learn what success should look like, what failure supposedly means, who belongs, who does not, what should be valued, and what should be feared. Some of these lessons contain wisdom. Others contain prejudice, fear, or limitations passed down from previous generations. If we never question what we've inherited, we risk carrying forward the mistakes of the past along with its insights.

The goal is not to constantly abandon our beliefs, nor to reject tradition simply bc it is old. Tradition can preserve valuable knowledge earned through generations of experience. The challenge is knowing what to keep and what to release. Wisdom lies not in blind acceptance or blind rejection, but in thoughtful examination. The willingness to revise our understanding when confronted with new evidence, new experiences, or deeper insight is what allows us to continue growing, rather than becoming trapped by our own convictions and conclusions