yeah somehow forgot that it’s not just a lot of stuff on this site doesnt work right, nothing works right! love it.
fuckin stupid to be thinking about this in the first place, it’s been. 3 years? and people irl were really visibly impatient with the fact that I hadn’t gotten over it in 3 days! just once in a while casually mentioning anything about remembering my dad to anyone now gets me a reaction like i’m that elderly relative everyone has to just tolerate saying wildly inappropriate shit because they’re senile and can’t help it. how the fuck does (wrong pronoun) not know how impolite and inappropriate it is to mention anyone who died when it didn’t happen either today or 50+ years ago! unless the dead person was like, famous, you know. or if i mention him in front of mom or my sister I’m the careless callous person bringing up their pain and making them cry because, of course, it didn’t hurt me at all.
also fucked up to still be bitter about family and friends letting me know in the immediate days after that everyone else in my family needed support more than i did and i should be happy to be left at home alone once or twice for the rare opportunity to cry for half an hour without upsetting anyone, that i should be moving on and trying to be productive as quickly as possible, etc, considering i also still feel like this/am about to say this, but-
man. if dad were alive right now during this i sure as hell wouldnt be right now, lmao. or you know. ONE of us wouldn’t have lasted a month in! i do not think i will be ok long term anyway, but i do have to be grateful that i am not dealing with someone who would be nonstop screaming and slamming doors and ordering everyone to do nonsensical shit, while panicking about this as a threat to him and only personally him and not, for example, my mother who unlike him could not see a doctor! certainly it would not be a threat to any human beings who exist outside his household! they don’t matter! while simultaneously demanding that either or both of us be at the grocery store literally daily and probably sometimes more than once in a day. nonstop takeout food. he would do nothing but obsess loudly about how to protect himself & then willfully constantly put himself and all of us in extra danger and probably take his mask off JUST to cough on cashiers and then ok, maybe i’d still be the one alive right at this moment. lol.
