Loki's Hair Bleep-Bloop

“Welcome home”

Have you ever been to earth?

On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.

And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

Nope.

My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.

You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.

And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.

What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.

I just want a burrito.

In conclusion:

You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.

UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:

A fucking fork?

I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.

If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.

That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.

Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.

A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.

People eat burritos with forks?

God is sorry he made us.

It’s a misconception that comes from the fact that Loki has a leaner appearance and scholarly bearing. He likes books, he’s sort of a nerd because magic needs a lot of studying and practice. He’s known to use magic in warfare, which Asgardians/Aesir deem as tricks, not to mention a dishonorable way to fight.

Loki’s fighting skills

Hence, due to such attributes^ Loki’s image takes the form of a skinny nerd who doesn’t know how to be physically strong. People forget that though he may be a nerd (loosely using this term), he was also trained to be a warrior, right alongside Thor. He probably got the best combat training in all of Asgard, because Asgard is a realm of warriors. It’s Princes are bound to be one of the best.

Loki’s style of fighting is different from the usual Asgardian way. He’s quick on his feet, and attacks in non-obvious/unpredictable ways. He’s deceptive and lethal in that way. Like, you see him with a relatively small dagger, surrounded by 5-6 Dark Elves, and the first thought is probably that he’s fucked. But he destroys them in mere seconds with just that one dagger and his ninja/martial arts moves. We do not see him using any magic, because he doesn’t need to rely on it. He only uses it when the opponent is someone as formidable as him, someone like Thor. I only saw him use magic in combat when he was fighting Thor in the first movie (correct me if I’m wrong).

So all this talk of him being sickly and skinny is just a construct. Loki may not be buff like the ideal Asgardian body type (Thor), but he’s not lacking in skills or strength. He’s the lean muscular type, and he uses that to his advantage. It makes him move like the wind. Also, if anyone remembers, he threw Cap around like a ragdoll, which even Cap acknowledged (”He packs a wallop.”).

Fic authors (not all, though, myself included :P) tend to exaggerate certain traits, so it’s not really that surprising to see Loki being reduced to a skinny, sickly nerd/geek.

It is rightly observed that Thor has his magical hammer, and he fights with its aid. Loki has no such mighty weapon to rely on. He only has fighting skills. He’s adaptable and he tries to use whatever he’s got to its best potential. Be it a dagger or a staff. I’m pretty sure he can even use a pen to fatal effect. heh

Loki is a fucking badass.