Yeah, I’m gonna survive with my head held high

“Louis hit you?” Marissa wasn’t happy. How dare he lay a hand on her little cousin? She out to march right up to the kid and give him a bruise to match Elliot’s. If she didn’t know the two of them were so close, she probably would have. “It better have been a damn good apology. He gave you a bruise.” 

She wished she could do something for him, but there wasn’t much that could be done about a bruise. Healing magic wasn’t really one of her skills. She gave a frustrated sigh, eyeing him for any other sign of injury. “Are you sure you’re alright? I mean really alright. Do you want to talk about what happened?” 

“I don’t think he was really thinking! I mean, he just ... he saw that I made his cousin cry.” he said carefully, knowing how defensive Marissa could get of him and thinking that she might understand more from that angle. “But he did apologize. I mean ... that’s really lot like Louis. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him that angry before.” he added.

“I’m okay.” he said softly, giving her a small smile, “I mean, at first ... at first I was really upset. But I talked to Lorcan for a while, and then to Lily and ... everything’s okay now. Really, it’s all fine.” he told her. He didn’t really want to have to explain the full story, how he had kissed Lily, not if she hadn’t heard it already. It was too out of character for him, and he was worried she would question it.

“I’m sure it’s nice for you that you won. You don’t have to listen to half your house grumble about those blasted Lions for the next week.” Marissa laughed, and pushed herself off the floor, dusting off her clothes. She had a habit of settling in strange places around the castle whenever she felt the need to be alone, whether to think or to read. “She seems like she’s just a wanderer. I never have to worry about Bear wandering of myself, but then, Bear doesn’t do much else but eat.” Her smile fell as she took in his appearance, and the bruise on his face. The concern and anger washed over her instantly. “What happened?” 

Elliot laughed at Marissa’s words, “Well, I supposed you do have a point.” he said with a grin. “But, you know, Lily’s on the team, so I’m definitely happy for her. I mean, I root for Ravenclaw when Lorcan’s playing too.” he added quickly. He nodded carefully her words, “Yeah, I think she is. Honestly, I love the castle but the biggest draw back is trying to find her in it.” he pointed out, shaking his head. His eyes widened once he realized she had noticed the bruise and he blushed as he tried to figure out how to quickly explain. “It’s nothing, really. It’s just ... I upset Lily accidentally, in Hogsmede. Louis just knew that she ran off crying because of me and, ah, he hit me. But I talked it out - with both of them! - so everything’s fine now. I apologized to Lily, and Louis apologized to me.”

“Hey, people make mistakes,” Louis said. “What you do, now – you gotta apologize and do what you can to make up for it, no?” he explained. He sighed. He wasn’t unsympathetic. He “I know you say you’re bad at explaining things. And I’m not really in a position to be giving you advice. But – you…should go find Lily. Once she’s cooled down and had a minute to process. Apologize. And try to explain. What you’ve already said to me is a good start. You know you made a mistake. But owning up to it is better than hiding away.”

He hesitated. “And I…I know I made a mistake too. I’m sorry.”

Elliot nodded carefully. “Yeah, yeah, I know. I just ... I hope she’ll let me explain.” he said softly. He was terrified that he had completely ruined things with her, that this X person had managed to make him lose one of his very best friends. “Do you, um, do you think she’ll understand? If she does let me explain?” he added nervously. Truthfully he just hoped that he could managed to explain, he was nervous enough on a regular basis without the kind of stakes this was for him. “It’s alright. I guess, I ah, I can’t really be too upset about something impulsive right now.” he managed to say. And he wasn’t angry, not at all. He was upset, hurt that his best friend would hit him, but he felt guilty even for that.

“I’m going to tell you something, and it might be hard to believe but it’s the truth.” Lorcan said softly. “I understand. I get it, and I’m not angry or disappointed or anything like that okay?” He whispered, reaching out as gently as possible to hug him, being extra mindful of his own bruises littering his body because of the conversation. No matter how hard he was trying to learn Lorcan was rubbish with healing spells. “You’re one of my best friends though, and if you ever do need to talk or anything really, I’m here.”

Elliot blew out a relieved breath, glad that he still had one friend that wasn’t angry at him. “Thank you.” he said softly, “For, ah, for understanding why I never said anything before.” he added before Lorcan pulled him into a gentle hug and he relaxed slightly, believing that Lorcan, at least, would never hurt him. “You’re one of my best friends too. And I, ah, I might take you up on that sometimes. It’s easier to talk about it without ... having to explain the whole thing first.” he said with a sigh. It was relieving, honestly, to have Lorcan know. As much as he desperately wanted to keep the world from finding out, there were times when he had wished that those closest to him would just magically know without him having to tell them, but he supposed that was too much to ask even of magic.

Lorcan just stood there silently for a moment after listening to Elliot’s words. He didn’t know what to say, how could anyone have purposefully gone out of their way to just… it wasn’t right. “Why would anyone ever… that’s just not right.” He whispered after a long moment, looking up at him. “I- can I give you a hug?” The question was equal parts for Elliot’s benefit as it was for his own. Quick movements, especially when someone was moving towards him frightened him in ways it never had before, and hearing what his friend had gone through made him hate touching anyone without their permission even more. Plus after what started their whole conversation he couldn’t just initiate anything without permission, even if this was solely platonic. 

Elliot studied the ground as he waited for Lorcan to react before nodding carefully when his friend asked to hug him, “Yeah, yeah, it’s alright.” he said. “I just ... I don’t let people close. I don’t really let most people touch me, except you guys. And then I messed up with Lily and they got so angry and it’s just ... a lot.” he managed to say after a moment. He bit his lip for a second, processing that he had finally managed to actually tell Lorcan, even if it had taken a very bad situation to do so. “You know I ... I didn’t not tell you because I don’t trust you or something?” he added carefully, “It’s just, it’s really hard to talk about.”

When he saw the pain on Elliot’s face, Louis couldn’t feel anything but regret. Whatever fake anger he had held onto instantly fizzled away and left. There was some element of relief, being able to let that anger go now that it was over. But the damage had been done. “Merde…”

He couldn’t even look his friend in the eye. He tried to breathe. “That – wasn’t like me…” He said hesitantly. Anything he could try to say just sounded pathetic. He knew his words really were dumb excuses. “Je…I’m sorry…I – désolé” He tried to find the words. I shouldn’t have done that. Friends don’t hit friends. I didn’t want to. I had no choice. I was blackmailed. 

He let out a slow breath. “I’m sorry I hit you…” he settled on. It was one of the few truthful things he was comfortable saying out loud. “I still think you should have asked her first, but.. it wasn’t right of me to react the way I did.”

What was he doing? What right did he have to criticize Elliot’s actions, especially now, after he turned it violent? Now they were both in the wrong. Besides, Louis as the one who was too much of a coward to refuse X’s demands. And Elliot paid the price for it. How the hell was he going to fix this?

Elliot looked warily up at Louis as the anger seemed to melt out of his friend. He still didn’t know quite how to deal with what had just happened, but he was relieved that Louis didn’t seem so angry anymore. “It’s okay.” Elliot said softly. It wasn’t okay, but he also didn’t want Louis to think he was angry with him now, “I know I messed up. I really messed up. I just ... I wasn’t thinking.” he said, ducking his head again.

“I was just, I was thinking about it and she was asking me what was wrong and I just ... I suck at explaining stuff. I guess I just thought ... if I kissed her really quick, that would kind of ... explain it for me.” he rambled, knowing it was only half true, but he was afraid to explain what had really happened, that he was being blackmailed. He didn’t know if Louis would believe him, and he didn’t know how the blackmailer would react. “It was stupid. I knew it was stupid as soon as it happened. But she, um, she ran off before I could talk to her.” he tried to explain.

Lorcan shook his head,a small frown taking over his features at Elliot’s words. “You aren’t being a baby about it, there’s nothing wrong with not… he trailed off, not able to bring himself to finish the sentence. It just hit too close to home saying there wasn’t anything wrong with not wanting someone to hit you. He would be a hypocrite for saying it. “What do you mean, bad stuff?” Lorcan asked, eyebrows knitting together. Had someone really hurt Elliot and he’d never known? “Are you okay?”

Elliot looked down, biting his lip nervously as he tried to find the words to say. This was the reason he had never told Lorcan, not that he didn’t trust his friend, but just that it was so hard to say. “I am now, I guess, it was ...” he took in a careful breath, “Remember how, um, I came back for second year, and I didn’t want anyone to call me ‘Eli’ anymore?” he began softly, “I was, um ... it always sounds so crazy just to say it. I was kidnapped.” he added quickly, “Over that summer, for a few weeks. Some, um, ex-coworker of my dad’s. It was ... really bad. A lot of people knew, in the muggle world, but I guess they just ... never put it together here that it was really me.”

“Of course I’m not mad.” Lorcan spoke quietly, picking nervously at one of his finger nails. “I know you didn’t mean to hurt Lily, and even if I don’t agree with the way you did it I’m not the one you hurt. Me being mad at you wouldn’t serve any purpose, especially because it’s obvious you already feel remorse over it.” Lorcan quieted quickly at the mention of them hitting him, staring down at his hands as he continued picking at his nails, trying to keep his demeanor calm. “They shouldn’t have, it’s… you didn’t get hurt did you?” He asked, putting his hands back down to ball them into fists as he looked back up at him. “I mean physically, you aren’t injured?”

Elliot smiled over at his friend. Trust Lorcan to find the logical side to it, he really appreciated that about the other boy. Sometimes he felt they understood each other a little better then most of his housemates. Elliot might be a Gryffindor, but almost no one understood why. It wasn’t a secret that everyone felt he should have been a Ravenclaw. He shook his head softly at the question, “I mean, I ah, I kind of think I’ll have a bruise but it’s not that big a deal. I just ... I guess I’m kind of being a baby about this.” he said with a small sigh, “I just ...” he bit his lip for a moment as he thought. He had never quite been able to figure out how to tell Lorcan about his past. Louis knew, which meant he also felt guilty that Lorcan didn’t. Maybe now was the time he needed to figure out how to use his words and trust his friend. “Some stuff happened, when I was younger. Bad stuff.” he managed to say, “So I guess this is just ... I don’t know. Bad memories?” 

Lorcan offered him a small smile, nodding slightly. “I think you’re probably right.” He said, agreeing. “Give them some time, you’ve never given anyone any reason to think you would hurt them on purpose.” He sighed, looking up at him. “I know you do, and I’m sure they know that as well. And it’s okay to feel guilty about it, but you’re going to have to eventually forgive yourself as well. It was an accident. Give them a couple days then tell them what happened. They’ll understand.”

Elliot nodded carefully, “I just hope they calm down soon. I hate having them upset with me.” he said softly, “I don’t let a lot of people in, you know? Having both of them so angry ... I’m just really glad that you aren’t.” he added carefully. He didn’t know if he could take having lost all three of his best friends to some stupid dare. “I never thought they’d hit me.” he continued in a smaller voice. His friends had been designated in his mind as safe, as people who would never hurt them, and even if they’d had a fairly good reason, the fact that they’d reacted violently before letting him explain ... it had him shaken.

Lorcan just nodded, desperately searching for the right words because this was clearly upsetting his friend a great deal but he was also terrified he’d say the wrong thing and give himself away. “If they’re really your friends of course they’ll let you explain.” He said after a long moment, voice still low. “And you didn’t deserve it.” He tacked on quickly, head snapping up to look directly at him before flushing the slightest shade of pink and looking down again. “Maybe it is a bit hypocritical but just because you didn’t use your words doesn’t make it okay for them not to have.”

Elliot nodded carefully, “I guess, I guess maybe they just need to time to calm down and, ah, and think?” he said, trying to reason enough to calm himself down. He felt like an idiot for following the orders of some anonymous blackmailer, and for not just telling Louis what had happened. Louis, the only person he had ever told his secret too. Surely Louis would have understood how far he’d go to hide that. “I guess I know that.” he added softly after a moment, “I just ... I just feel really guilty, you know? I mean, I’d do anything for you guys and if I upset them that much ... I never meant for that to happen.”

“You messed up, but everyone makes mistakes.” Lorcan looked right at him biting at his lower lip slightly. “They’re your friends, I’m sure they’ll forgive you if you just explain to them what happened.” He shrugged slightly, his gaze quickly falling back down towards the ground between them. “They didn’t do the right thing either I mean… you don’t hit people you care about.” He said, his voice dropping slowly to prevent it from shaking. “Just tell them the truth.”

Elliot let out a deep breath of relief at Lorcan’s words, visibly relaxing. He was so glad that he still had one friend who wasn’t infuriated with him. “I hope they do, I hope they let me explain.” he said carefully, “I really didn’t mean to hurt her, I, I never, never meant to, to force anything on her... I didn’t think it was like that, I mean I didn’t ... but now I just keep worrying.” he admitted softly. “Maybe I deserved it, if they think it was like that. I just...” he blew out a frustrated breath, “It’s really hypocritical to say I wish they’d stuck with ‘using their words’, isn’t it?” he added. But to Elliot, this was a big deal, more then he knew how to explain because all of it was tied into what he was trying to hide. Touch was a bit deal for him, something he avoided often and only was comfortable with in a very select group of people, and now two of those people had hit him.

Lorcan felt his eyes widen slightly as Elliot explained what had happened, he definitely didn’t expect to hear that. “Yeah, you messed up big time.” Lorcan agreed, he had never been good at deciphering the right time to bend the truth in order to spare other;s feelings, always honest even if it was awkward. “But I doubt they hate you. What did they say before you know…” Lorcan rubbed at his arm awkwardly, almost forcing out the end of his sentence. “before they hit you?”

Elliot looked down when Lorcan agreed that he had messed up, just praying that he wouldn’t hate him too. “I think they do.” he said softly, “Lily, ah, she didn’t say anything, she, ah, she just slapped me and ran off. Louis just ... he just said that I upset his cousin, and he didn’t want excuses ... and then he punched me.” he added in a small voice. He knew that he deserved it, that he never should have done what that stupid X person wanted, but still ... it shook him that two of the people he trusted more then anyone had hit him. “I never meant to hurt her. Ever. I just ... I guess I wasn’t thinking. I just didn’t know what to say, so I just kissed her really quick.”

Lorcan wasn’t really sure what to make of this Hogsmede trip, everyone around him seemed so on edge although he might only be thinking that because he had been so nervous himself recently. He had also been supposed to be on a date in the Three Broomsticks right now but his boyfriend had stood him up and Lorcan didn’t know how to feel about the fact that he was relieved when over an hour went by and he was still waiting alone in the booth, forced to quickly pay his own bill and rush out awkwardly and embarrassed.  His karma must have been off because his bad day only got worse when the second he made eye contact with Elliot the other boy ducked out of the way, perhaps hoping Lorcan hadn’t spotted him. He frowned slightly heading towards him to say something but changed what he was going to say after getting a quick look at his friend. “You look dreadful.”

Elliot blew out a breath when Lorcan spoke, deciding the decision had been made for him now. “Lily and Louis hate me.” he offered as explanation, “I messed up so bad, Lorcan.” he added, leaning his head back as he closed his eyes for a moment. “I didn’t mean to. I just ... I’ve liked Lily for, for a really long time, you know? But I was always so scared to say anything, and I’m, I’m not always good at explaining myself anyway. So I kissed her. And then ... then she hit me, and she ran off. And Louis ... I’ve never seen Louis so mad. He hit me too. And I just ... I don’t know how to fix this.”

“Yes, we’re even, you jerk,” she teased before taking a step back. “Look, I don’t know what the fuck is going on,” she admitted. “All I know is now that I’ve had a proper kiss, I want to go back to the way things were. I… really have no fucking clue what I’m feeling, so I don’t want our friendship to get ruined either.” This time, she gave him a very soft punch on the arm.

Elliot nodded quickly, honestly the most he had hoped for was that somehow things could stay the same. “That’s that’s fine, that’s good. It’s really good.” he said quickly before laughing as he rubbed his arm, “I think I’ve been hit enough today though, so if we could cut that out it would be great.” he added, knowing that the punch from Louis had likely already left a bruise.

Elliot had hidden himself away on a bench as far out of sight as he could manage once Louis had left. He didn’t know what to do now, or how he was supposed to fix this. He blinked back tears as he gently poked at what he was sure was soon to be a bruise around his eye. How was he supposed to deal with two of his best friend’s hitting him? Especially when he was now certain that he had deserved it. He had no right to just kiss Lily like that. He might have been desperate to keep his secret, but she should have come first. He ducked his head slightly when he spotted Lorcan, suddenly unsure if he wanted to discuss this with his other friend or not. Lorcan usually was good at helping him calm down, but what if he hated Elliot now too?

Lily watched his hands and lips, and… what? Was she… blushing? No, there was no way in hell she was blushing. Lily Luna Potter didn’t blush. Sure, her cheeks might’ve felt hot, and from an outsiders perspective they probably looked red, but she was not blushing.

Lily gave a little scowl to him before punching him in the arm. “That’s for kissing me without permission.” She then grabbed the front of his shirt with one hand and pulled him in for another kiss. This time, she would decide when/if she got kissed.

Elliot ducked his head for a moment as she punched his arm, “I’m really sorry for that, honestly, I wasn’t think-” he cut himself off as she suddenly grabbed his shirt and pulled him in to kiss him. He froze for a moment before kissing her back and smiling once they pulled away, “Oh, um, wow ... but I guess ... I guess maybe we’re even now?” he asked with a grin.