ciel is the limit

After graduating from college, I immediately started job hunting. After a month, I finally got hired, but it was a project-based job. Having a contract job felt quite embarrassing for me, so I didn’t share much about it. I just told people I had a job.

A week into working onsite at the office, I got a glimpse of the environment and the people I would be working with. I told myself right away: Don’t lose yourself. I saw my coworkers getting angry and talking down about applicants who weren’t in front of them. I felt like they looked down on the applicants, and I made it my daily mantra to not lose my principles and not become like them.

However, one month into the job, I found myself adopting their behavior, becoming the person I had tried my best not to become. Like them, I started talking down about applicants behind their backs. Since I only interacted with them online, as soon as the mic was muted or the phone call ended, I’d call them "dumb" or other derogatory terms. I became toxic.

Although the pay is good and it allows us to have unlimited paid overtime hours, I believe that allowing your employees to work overtime without reminding them to slow down or rest, and just letting them be overworked, is not good. It feels like the company is more focused on getting the job done, rather than ensuring that we are healthy and not burning out.

Even though I’ve made friends with my colleagues, who are also on a project-based contract, and we bond and laugh together, it’s not enough to make an employee happy. I know it's not, because I know myself. And I try my best to romanticize life and find good things beyond all the bad things. But lately, I don’t even have the time, energy, or motivation to find something beautiful. I don’t even feel like taking pictures or sharing the good things anymore.

And although I understand that this behavior was caused by stress and the ramping season, which made the job more fast-paced than it should have been, I still believe that kind of behavior is wrong and unacceptable. I’m part of the Human Resources department—the people that employees should be able to rely on. I always imagined being in the applicants’ shoes, and I know I wouldn’t like it if my recruiter was badmouthing me behind my back.

This job is ruining me.

It’s also making me lose my principles and ethics. How can I push an applicant to continue the employment process when they give me reasons like not having enough money for the fare or dealing with a family emergency? But I still do it, because if I don’t, it will affect my job performance. One month in, and I’ve already gone through a roller coaster of emotions and experiences in the company.

How can I offer an applicant the option to move to the next batch and contact them about receiving their equipment when, just a few minutes ago, they informed me they couldn’t proceed with onboarding because they had just lost their brother?

This job is making me sick.

Now, after a month and a half, I can proudly accept and say that it’s a good thing I’m not permanent in this company. My contract is about to end, and with that, I will have my freedom.

My job is ruining me.

The workload is tolerable, and I can manage it, but the culture in this workplace is something I do not want to be part of. It is toxic and makes people spiteful. I even brought the spite I had from work home, and my mom noticed it.

My colleagues and I are tired and angry.

We understand the situation, and we accepted this job, but the superiors who should be supporting us aren’t doing anything. The tenured people in the company have adapted to the toxic environment and culture, and they’ve just tolerated it, making it the norm.

Before graduation, I was already sending my CVs to different companies online. I had almost a month of free time since all we had to do in July was attend practices. On July 24, I finally received my bachelor's degree after six long years. It wasn’t an easy journey; what should have been a four-year degree stretched into six because of the pandemic, which had a significant impact on me.

As soon as July 25 arrived, I resumed sending my CV to various companies. A friend offered to help recruit me for a VA job, but I said I’d rest for a week. In reality, I wanted to see if I could find a job on my own. This became my daily routine—checking emails first thing in the morning, hoping for responses to my applications, and then browsing job boards to apply for roles that matched my qualifications.

As a fresh graduate, it was tough, especially seeing job postings that welcomed fresh graduates but preferred candidates with one year of experience. This routine consumed nearly the entire month of August. I even started feeling anxious, worrying about whether I’d entered the wrong email address or if companies were trying to reach me by phone when I wasn’t available.

Then, my first job interview came—via phone call. My fear came true: I missed the call because I was in the shower. I sent a text message, and fortunately, they replied and called again. Finally, my first job interview! Someone had seen my CV and thought I might be a good fit for their role. However, after much research and preparation, I decided to decline the on-site interview. Part of it was nerves, and part of it was wanting to try for a better opportunity with another company that had reached out to me around the same time. Unfortunately, I didn’t get either job and returned to my routine.

I began questioning whether I should have accepted the first offer instead of being picky, especially since it was just my first job and I could have used the experience. But then, another company reached out. I was thrilled because it was a company I liked, but I felt I didn’t perform well in the interview. Where were my English vocabularies when I needed them most?

They told me to wait a week, and if I didn’t hear back, I’d know the result. During that waiting week, another company contacted me, and I had a phone interview. They immediately scheduled me for a second interview, followed by a final interview the same evening. I passed all the interviews and received a job offer right away. I was still hoping to hear back from the other company I liked, but no luck—even though I waited until Friday, which I knew was a holiday. That’s when I decided to move forward and started completing the requirements for the company that offered me the job.

Inspired by "Small Girl" by Lee Young Ji ft. D.O.

Although the song primarily speaks for the tall girlies out there, the overall message of being an insecure girly made me think of my own insecurities about myself. The song made me realize that these insecurities are a part of who I am, just as they are a part of so many others. It’s a universal struggle, feeling like we need to fit into a certain mold to be loved and accepted. But the song also gave me hope, a glimmer of reassurance that there is someone out there who will see me and love me not despite my imperfections but because of them.

It's been a while, but here I am again with my reading journal post. I'm trying to get back into reading now that I have more free time since I just finished college. The first book I read this year is Check & Mate by Ali Hazelwood. It was a fun read, not too light and not too heavy. I really love the Greenleaf siblings, especially Sabrina; she's so middle-child coded. Plus, we need more smart men (I know I just haven't read enough).

One of my favorite scenes was when Nolan casually lifted Mal from her chair and sat her on his lap as they continued playing chess with Tanil. That gave me a certain kind of feeling. But the line that really got me screaming was:

Last week, I completed my 200-hour industrial practicum as a psychology student, which was a big achievement for me. We really pushed ourselves during the last 7 days to finish up the hours. It was important to avoid overlapping with the start of the semester, which coincided with the end of our practicum. Luckily, the first week of the semester was all online orientations, so I could still manage both.

My practicum started on July 11 and ended on August 16. It was an amazing learning experience for me, as I got to work with a department that taught me a lot. Although there were some tough times, I understood that the professional world isn't always smooth sailing. I embraced the fact that not everyone I work with will be easy to get along with, just like in the real world. It felt like a glimpse of what actual work life will be.

Yes, it was tiring, but I still want to explore the corporate world after graduation. My supervisor, despite being just a few years older, was incredibly supportive and shared valuable advice. I really consider her a mentor. Her willingness to help and guide me made my one-month stay at the company really worthwhile.

Shifting gears, classes have begun, and some good news came in – our study protocol got the green light from the institution's ethical review board. This means we can start gathering data for our research study, and we have until the end of the semester, which also happens to be the end of the year, for our undergraduate research defense.

I'm really excited about everything happening in my life right now. Things are going smoothly, and I hope they stay that way. The second half of the year already started a month ago, and I'm looking forward to it flying by. Graduation, which I've worked so hard for, will be here before I know it.

I'm also happy that I'm keeping a good balance between my health, hobbies, and studies. Even though my schedule will get busier soon, I'll cherish this flexible time. As I enter the final stretch of college, I know I need to manage my time well. I've already been in college for 2 extra years, so there's no room for mistakes.

I started my practicum in an industrial setting last Tuesday. We were tasked to work in the HR department at a hospital. I was really excited about this opportunity since I enrolled in my BS Psychology degree program a few years ago. Although I'm most looking forward to my clinical setting practicum, experiencing working in HR will also give me insight into office settings.

Our supervisor assigned us to different departments, and I chose the Learning and Development (L&D) department. Initially, I planned to go to the Employee Wellbeing Clinic, but when my classmate was asked if she wanted it, she said yes. Nonetheless, I was still interested in L&D as I was curious about their functions, and I would be the only intern there.

My first-day supervisor was very helpful. She provided a brief orientation about the hospital and the department itself. She assigned me tasks that were suitable for the department I was assigned to, rather than giving me simple and odd intern tasks. She also took the time to explain the importance and purpose of each task and willingly answered my questions.

On my second day, a new HR officer from the same department became my supervisor. Since I had completed my tasks with my first supervisor, she assigned me new ones. She also took the time to discuss and explain the importance of each task. She mentioned that she was once in my shoes and wanted me to have a fruitful OJT experience by learning about human resources.

During my four days at the company, I had the opportunity to work on various tasks and learn something new each time. I feel fortunate to have been assigned to the L&D department and to have supportive supervisors who are willing to help me learn. I hope they don't see me as a nuisance but as a helpful presence. In a short span of time, I've gained valuable knowledge in the L&D department and I'm truly happy about it. So far, I'm enjoying my time there.

I've experienced different tasks, such as updating the masterlist for outsourced employees, observing how virtual training programs are conducted, answering phone calls as an HR employee, sorting and organizing necessary files for employee 201 files, creating a training report based on evaluation forms, and preparing an external training and travel report for employees.

Furthermore, the head of the department personally visited my area (yes, I have my own office-like space, not just a cubicle) to greet and welcome me. They also assigned me an easy task before leaving the L&D department, as we requested to be rotated to different departments to gain as much experience as possible within our 200 hours. All the people in the L&D department are nice and welcoming.

Who Saw That Coming? Definitely not me

On March 26, 2023, I took the Civil Service Exam at the Professional level. Today, we received the results, and I passed. To be honest, I didn't prioritize the exam much. I only took it because my parents wanted me to do something, perhaps as a way to redeem myself after transferring schools as a college student, which isn't seen in a positive light. I willingly obliged to keep the peace at home, as I knew they would keep asking until I did it. I applied for the exam in December 2022, and only my internet friends knew about it. I only studied for the exam on March 25, as I didn't really consider it something I wanted to do; it was solely for my parents. I studied until midnight and only had a few hours of sleep before the exam.

On the morning of the exam day, my mom accompanied me, and we argued on the way because we didn't know how to get to the testing site and how much the fare would be. The tricycle driver asked for 100 pesos, which I thought was overpriced considering it was morning and there was no traffic. But let's not dwell on that anymore; it's already done. Anyway, I arrived at the testing site on time, and we took the exam as scheduled. While I was taking the exam, I accidentally fell asleep for a minute or two, and the facilitator lightly tapped me to wake me up. I felt drowsy and was only halfway through the exam. I took several bathroom breaks to stretch and wake myself up, but it didn't help much. I only felt completely awake when the proctor announced that we only had 30 minutes left, and I still had some questions remaining in the English part and had just started with the Math section. I tried my best to finish everything, but I became a little desperate due to the time pressure, so I quickly answered some of the math problems without much thought. As soon as I left the testing site, I already accepted that I wouldn't pass the exam because of what had happened. I was so sure of it.

February Reading Journal entry! For this month, I read Book Lovers by Emily Henry. I was originally planning to read Neon Gods by Katee Robert but I found out that it’s a series and I’m afraid I can’t commit on reading a series since I have a lot on my plate for this semester with my Undergraduate Research and preparations for practicum. I just randomly searched for a list of Romance Books in Good Reads and picked the best synopsis that caught my attention. Luckily, I picked Book Lovers because I really enjoyed reading the whole of it.

One of my most favorite lines from the books is,

So I am trying to start something this year which is to read at least one book every month. And for the month of January, I read Love and Other Words by Christina Lauren which was recommended to me by a friend. Tried my best to relay my thoughts coherently regarding the book. It was a good read and a light plot (not really) to start off this goal of mine this 2023.

I really love the authors’ words in this book.

I remember the way he would hug her when he got home from work. He would wrap his arms all the way around her shoulders, press his face into her hair while his body curved over hers. His arms became a set of parentheses bracketing the sweetest secret phrase.

LIFE LATELY

How is my 2022 going?

Well, this year, I did a lot of life-changing decisions for myself but the most important one...I think...is transferring to a new university though I’m already in my third-slash-fourth year of my bachelor’s degree.

I needed to transfer because things aren’t going so well in my old uni and I also grabbed the opportunity of starting anew as a new school year starts. So far, I am almost done with one semester and I am doing well in my acads. The uni I transferred to is also implementing a limited face-to-face mode of learning so I get to go to the campus from time to time. I really prefer this setup and I hope that by next year, it’ll be all full face-to-face classes.

While focusing on my acads, I also started a new hobby which is watching an anime. I have been consistently watching several anime series for about 2 years now since it became one of my coping mechanisms when the pandemic and lockdown took place in our country. I have come to a realization that I am not a multitasker, therefore, I only chose 2 hobbies to do while still enrolled for the current semester. One is playing Genshin Impact which is a game I am fully attached to since I started playing it during v1.0 and the other one is starting a new anime.

Playing a mobile game is not a distraction that much since I am currently suffering from a chronic genshin burnout so I just do my dailies or skip it if I really can’t. 

On the other hand, watching anime became my main hobby or side activity. I started watching Eiichiro Oda’s One Piece. I have attempted watching the series wayback 2020 but I told myself that it’s not very appropriate of me to watch an almost thousand episode long anime while currently having a pile of backlogs. However, I really wanted to try something new this year so I pushed myself on watching the anime to which I am not regretting because I am really enjoying it now. I am now currently in Whole Cake Island Arc and I just hit episode 800 this month. I am also planning to keep up with the latest episode before this year ends.

This year, while me and my friends were celebrating our birthday and hanging out, we happened to bumped into a cosplay event. We got so hooked up to the point that we attended another cos event as attendees. By next year, we are planning to attend one as cosers. I am planning to cosplay either genderbend Zoro or Ace but it’ll probably be the latter since three of us plans on attending as ASL.

This year, I also still do some cooking and baking since it is one of my markers if my mental health is still going well. I have tried baking several pastries to which I am satisfied with the result but I still want to improve my skills. My dad said that he will enroll me and my mom on a summer baking class next year and I am so excited about it.

Two months have passed since we started dating again and I appreciate a lot your patience. I hope that you won’t get tired waiting for someone like me who is ready yet scared to risk. All my life, I’ve labeled myself as a risk-taker kind of person but after a couple of times risking for the wrong person, wrong time, and wrong situation - little by little, I started being scared of wanting and reaching something without hesitations. I lost courage and I pitied myself for being left always without anything, not even my pride, or just a little love for myself.