something I'm trying my hand at

I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.

Sometimes you meet someone, and it’s so clear that the two of you, on some level belong together. As lovers, or as friends, or as family, or as something entirely different. You just work, whether you understand one another or you’re in love or you’re partners in crime. You meet these people throughout your life, out of nowhere, under the strangest circumstances, and they help you feel alive. I don’t know if that makes me believe in coincidence, or fate, or sheer blind luck, but it definitely makes me believe in something.

Emotions are supposed to be raw, ugly, brutal…you don’t want someone to ‘sorta’ love you. You want that love to be a bursting flame, not a candle.

It eventually gets better, without any sort of explanation; you just wake up one morning and you’re not as upset anymore.

‘Maktub,’ she said. ‘It is written. If I am really part of your dream, you’ll come back one day’.

You gotta keep the step. You gotta limber up. You gotta loosen what you bolted down. You gotta use all you got. We know you’re tired, tired and scared. Happens to everyone, okay? Just don’t let your feet stop.

I won’t glorify or romanticize heartbreak, for me it was a kind of death and I was forced to keep living.

I keep thinking about this river somewhere, with the water moving really fast. And these two people in the water, trying to hold onto each other, holding on as hard as they can, but in the end it’s just too much. The current’s too strong. They’ve got to let go, drift apart. That’s how it is with us. It’s a shame, Kath, because we’ve loved each other all our lives. But in the end, we can’t stay together forever.

I don’t care, I love you anyhow. It is too late to turn you out of my heart. Part of you lives here.

After love, no one is what they were before.

Delete her number. Stop ringing her. Stop messaging her. Stop making excuses to see her, to drop by her place. Erase her name from memory. Remove yourself from her life, more completely than you would like but as completely as she deserves. Move on, so that you can allow her to also move on. When you close your eyes, you don’t get to see her face. Not anymore. You don’t get to think about her lips, the warm glow of her skin when she rests next to you, or how she squeezes your hand in her sleep. You are not allowed to remember the smell of her perfume, that she only drinks mint tea (with two dollops of honey), or that she loves you. She loves you. She has been in love with you for too long. So, forget how she says your name. Forget how she calls your name. Forget how she screams your name. Forget that time you got sick and she stayed up with you all night, letting you lay your head in her lap and holding a cold compress to your forehead. Forget how her hair feels in your fingers. Forget how she looks in your sweatshirts. Forget her. Know only that she existed at one point in your life, but relinquish all hope that she could exist at another point — sometime in the future that you are unwilling to specify because you don’t know what you want. Yet. It is not fair for you to swoop in and out of her life as you choose. It is not fair for you to say that you are satisfied with “things as they are” and you will have time to “figure it out” later. Let her stop investing emotionally in you. Let her pour that love and care into the people who deserve her. Don’t tell her that you think about her all the time. Don’t tell her that it bothers you to hear about her with other people, but that you’re willing to understand as long as she likes you more than them. Don’t tell her that this isn’t the right moment but that there will be a right moment. There is not going to be a right moment. She shouldn’t have to wait for the right moment. Don’t tell her that you can’t handle ultimatums, that you don’t like the idea of finally adding finality to your relationship — whatever still remains of it. What you are telling her is that you want to keep her on as an option, that you are taking her for granted, that you want to know she will be there, that you can depend on her at the end of the day. When you find that no one else has stuck around or that those who have are less interesting, less thoughtful, or less doggedly loyal to you. Doggedly loyal to you. That is what she has been to you, for you almost as long as you have known her: a constant emotional crutch, the guarantee of stability, a safety net while you reachvout to grasp objects that sparkle and shine far greater than she does. All that glitters is not gold, haven’t you heard? She is fire. You are ice, and you are afraid that her slow burn will smolder your cool, hard demeanor. That’s what has driven your decisions, your actions all along: fear. You are a coward. You are a hypocrite. You are terrified to let her go, but you are afraid she is too good for you, that she could drive you wild, that you would choke on her flames. That she is too much for you to handle right now. Right now. But if you choose not to love her now, you can’t choose to love her later.

Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.

but i am what i am. woman. alone amid all this noise.

I turn to you to find there is no you, which means it’s morning and I will fail at everything today.

Sometimes, for the sake of the purpose of your journey, certain individuals need to be cut from your life. It doesn’t make you or them a bad person, it’s just that there are some whom we are meant to grow with only to get us to the next stage of our life, and then there are those we are meant to grow with through every stage of our life. It’s all apart of the process of the manifestation of your purpose and at all costs, you must protect it - from anyone and anything that is keeping you from being and becoming.

We do not live in a utopia, we live on a planet that is riddled with misinformation, complicated and troubling messages, and a whole butt-ton of inter-personal feelings. The truest path on this little planet to a place of healing and growth is found by learning from the moments where we all, inevitably, misspeak or misstep.

I appreciate effort. No matter how small, silly or irrelevant, I appreciate effort.