I’ve been having a lot of thoughts on this recently and I feel like this is a good place to bring them all together. This is a very new blog for me and has virtually no followers but hopefully this might reach someone who is going through something similar.
I’m in my first year of university and whilst I absolutely adore my course, my battle with mental and physical health is making it more difficult than I thought it would be.
I was told that following my issues at school that university would be a breeze; it’d be totally different. And that isn’t completely incorrect, it IS different, just not in the way I had anticipated.
The NHS and mental health services in the UK are struggling a lot at the moment and for those of us who have been through the system, we know this to be true. Schools in general are overwhelmed with the number of students facing mental health problems and are often ill equipped to deal with it. Maybe they have someone you can talk to but in their eyes you are still a child and it can be difficult to get flexible support at this stage.
University is very different in that aspect. They have been wonderful at helping on an individual basis. To give a quick background, I suffer from hearing loss accompanied by tinnitus and am having some mental health issues as well. Disabled Students Allowance means I have extra support and measures in place for exams, like rest breaks and extra time. This is brilliant because I wasn’t even offered anything like this in school and it makes me feel much more in control. I have understanding tutors, a student support adviser and a fantastic group of friends and my wonderful fiance to help guide me. But when I began the first term of uni, something changed.
I was very down, the winter months brought misery and my perfectionist attitude meant that my attendance started to slip and I would feel the burden and guilt from just missing one lecture. I’d tell myself I’d catch up, but would I actually? They would go on about how attendance affects your grades and although this wasn’t targeted at me, I felt the pressure anyway.
Talking to tutors and lecturers on an individual basis definitely helped. Whilst some were supportive from the word go, others only then began to realise that I wasn’t just dodging lectures, I was a good student but I was struggling. Luckily my uni has a great open door policy and staff always reply to their emails, so communication is welcomed.
The sunlight and general warm weather that April has brought (after a couple of weeks of on-and-off snow?!) have definitely lifted my mood. I think anyone who suffers from something like SAD understands this but everyone I am around seems to feel lifted as well. It doesn’t help that my uni room gets no light and has very thick curtains but my parents got me a light to simulate the sun so that got me through winter.
Something I have come to understand is that I am very self aware; I recently saw a mental health nurse whom this baffled. This is often a negative thing, I over analyse everything. I hate myself for not going to lectures but sometimes I DO need the time to rest. I have learned to listen to my body. There is a balance to be found between staying in bed when you need to and forcing yourself out of bed because you know you will feel better for it. This is something I still struggle with, thoughts race and make me feel shit in the mornings but then I am manic at night and excited for the next day. Aaaand then I wake up and just want to wrap myself up in a blanket and not exist for a bit.
I am doing my best to look after myself and also push myself. When I am happy I am on cloud nine but when I’m down I’m veryyyy down, extreme emotions are hard to handle. However, I am still here and I am typing this out now surrounded by my friends.
Like I said, I doubt this will reach anyone but if it does, say hi and let me know if you are going through something similar.
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