I'll be singing you in all of my songs

The mention of his ex-fiancee was more than enough to allow him a moment to pause and think and consider what his next words would be. He was already aware how the young woman was related to the notorious Clara Mitchell he once had in his life but was somehow still tethered by a misplaced string of some sort. And while he couldn’t imagine their relationship to be completely amicable, if at all, he was still careful not to say the wrong thing. “I guess that’s why it just didn’t work out.” A sham of a small smile and a perfunctory nod was sent her way, hoping she would take his words at face value.

Ella immediately felt guilty. She had a tendency to be intrusive, and she knew it. It tended to out-shadow her need to be exceptionally kind and when it happened, Ella always felt bad. “Right,” Ella said softly. Though Clara hadn’t told her much about what happened with Logan, she knew it wasn’t good. But she had put him in an awkward position, and there probably wasn’t much else he could say. “Look, I’m sorry,” Ella said. “Whatever happened with Clara, I don’t have a problem with you. I like talking to you, despite the whole stew thing,” she said, smiling apologetically, and hoping she hadn’t adversely effected their friendly neighbor relationship.

“Yep. It was Jude for the Beatles and Grayson for my grandfather. Now you know too much, and I have to kill you,” he said jokingly, laughing. He didn’t give away his cringe-inducing middle name just to anybody. “It’s a great book. Well, if you like the romantics and that whole movement. Otherwise it might strike you as a tad too melodramatic.” Jude loved to read, in or out of school, that had been something he’d been intensely into during his high school years. Too bad he barely touched a book lately. “Oof yeah, that’s a heavy one. Asleep too. Do you have a favorite? I could never pick but at the same time, Please let me get what I want…doesn’t get more poignant than that, I think.”

Ella laughed. “I won’t tell a soul. I promise. Although, I’m not quite sure why you want to hide it. It’s a good name. At least I think so.” She nodded as he spoke about the book. “Yeah, that’s probably not my cup of tea. Most of the books I read are biographies and memoirs of bands and musicians. The last book I read was Love, Janis. One of the biographies of Janis Joplin, but this one was written by her sister.” Ella thought for a moment about The Smiths. “It’s always hard for me to choose favorite songs, but I think Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want might be my favorite, too. It’s, you know, relatable,” she explained.

“I’d say it worked out more than alright,” he smiled, already reaching out to take Pablo in his arms. To talk about Casey in that moment was slightly uncomfortable and a pang of sadness or guilt, some kind of negative feeling settled as a lump in his throat. He cleared his throat after a second, a soft smile touching his lips as he remembered how they had met, a memory he hadn’t gone back to in a while. “Uhm… He used to walk dogs– I think he still does every now and then. I used to live in North End and he would go down my block every other day– every day even. It was at the same time I came from work so I’d walk next to him every now and then. He thought I was following him for the longest time and… he wasn’t quiet about it,” he chuckled. “We argued for a while, turned into a conversation… And… here we are,” he said with a sigh. “It’s been quite the ride.”

Ella laughed at the idea of Casey thinking Kevin was following him. “My introduction to Casey was also essentially an argument that turned into a conversation,” she said, smiling slightly. “But I think that was to be expected. I was a little scared of him at first. Maybe not scared, but intimidated,” Ella admitted. “But once I started to get to know him, and see how sweet he was... Well, I’m really happy to have him in my life.” She smiled, a real one this time. “You probably know what I mean.”

“Ella.” Clara replied, her tone brusque but tinged with hesitant acknowledgment. Deep down, in the fragment of her heart that was reserved solely for unconditional love for her family, there was genuine affection for her half-sister somewhere. But in spite of her being dogmatic and true to the Catholic teachings to ‘love your neighbor’, there was difficulty in implementing it in her own life. The complete eradication of animosity between Clara and her father couldn’t simply be completed, most especially not when the product of her father’s mistakes breathed the same air as her, lived under the same roof as her. Sitting on the nearest chair and squinting her eyes — not unlike when she observes a lab experiment, but now impartiality or objectivity wasn’t part of the plan — she remarked, “you know, Por—Ella, I can’t figure you out.” Frank and sharp was her tone, and yet, there was also an undercurrent of confusion, and even fascination. Ever an inquisitive mind, the machine running her mind eventually began to make a perilous venture, worrying not of the inevitable repercussions the pieces of dialogue might hold. “Can you tell me about your mother?” There must have been something that pulled her—their—father into his orbit, and for the life of Clara, she yearned to understand what.

Ella wasn’t quite sure what she had been expecting. Maybe for Clara to insult her, or refuse to call her by her given name, or ignore her completely. What Ella certainly wasn’t expecting was for Clara to speak so frankly all of a sudden. Perhaps even more surprising than her candor was the fact that Clara had shown her a sort of vulnerability. Ella had information that she wanted. A part of Ella wanted to be vindictive, to hold it over Clara’s head as some sort of payback. But that wasn’t Ella. And having a real, meaningful conversation with Clara was something Ella had been dreaming of for months. She found it difficult to talk about her mother. She had even before she had died. But Ella imagined a young Clara, only six years old, laying awake at night and waiting for her father to tuck her in. A Clara who would be fast asleep by the time her father would return home in the wee hours of the morning.  A Clara whose father’s time was occupied by one Cynthia Porter. So Ella spoke. 

“She was... something. She grew up in rural Virginia. Always dreamed of coming to New York and being an actress. She never told me about her time in the city. Just that New York was a terrible place filled with vile people. So of course I had to move here when I turned eighteen,” Ella said, smiling despite herself. “She lived in the city for about six months before getting pregnant with me. She always made it very clear that my father wanted neither of us. And so she left. Went back to Virginia. But she hated it. She had wanted to be a star. She craved attention. I think that must be why she was always latching on to men. She wanted someone to look at her like she had her name in lights. And she knew how to find a man. She was beautiful, and charming as hell when she wanted to be. But she could never keep one. Maybe she was too clingy. Or maybe she was never satisfied and always looking for a way out. I don’t know. I didn’t really know her. She was more of a movie star to me than a mother. Like some sort of mythical being that people insist is real, but you can never get close enough to pull back the curtain. So they turn into an idea, an image, instead of a person.”

“Never seen—?” He gave her a look of disbelief, forgetting that not everyone had the opportunities to look at sea animals on their free time, nor would they be as interested as he was. “Okay, well… I don’t really know why sand tiger sharks are called that, but people confuse them a lot with tiger sharks, which are a different species of shark that aren’t really related to the sand tiger ones. The tiger sharks are the ones that look more like actual tigers because of their stripes, but they’re also a lot different from tigers because, well… tigers are mammals, you know? And they can’t live underwater.”

Ella couldn’t help but smile at Casey’s explanation. “Yeah, I bet tigers and tiger sharks are really different,” she stated. “Why do you like sand tiger sharks so much? Do they look really cool, or have some interesting abilities?” she asked. This wasn’t the kind of conversation Ella ever thought she would have. Then again, she never thought she’d have siblings, either. Ella had realized she definitely preferred her life this way- a life that included strange conversations and a little brother.

The sight of the small pup took Kevin’s mind off of all the things he had been thinking in the past few days and allowed himself to breathe and smile, faintly, but a smile. He took a seat in the couch, not wanting to take Pablo’s attention from Ella so fast, but knowing he would come back to him eventually, like he always did. “He’s my son, of course he’s cute,” he said, trying to bring back his usual self, showing some of it at least. “Yes and no– I can’t remember how it happened anymore,” he chuckled lightly, “I remember he found it and I was with him– this is before we even… I just pitched in with a name idea and we said he would have both names– I can’t even remember the name I gave him. Said I would take care of him for a while, and then I ended up full time over here so… it’s just… a thing now.”

Ella continued to pet Pablo, and marvel in his cuteness, as Kevin spoke. He seemed to lighten up slightly, which helped Ella relax a little. She liked hearing about Casey. There was still so much she didn’t know about him. Although Ella supposed four months wasn’t a long time to know a person, especially a long-lost sibling. Still, listening to Kevin speak about their history was another way for her to learn about her brother. “If you consider him your son, I’d say it worked out pretty well.” With that, Pablo walked over to Kevin. It was clear the pup cared for him. “How did you guys meet? You and Casey, I mean,” Ella asked, hoping her question wouldn’t frighten Kevin.

                 “You’ve only got to worry when Paul Hollywood says it, that’s when it gets super weird.” He noted with a laugh, giving her a nod. “The other ones are fine, promise.”

“Mm, okay. Should I go for the apple or pecan?” Ella asked. “Actually, never mind. The correct answer is definitely both.”

“Details, it’s the details that bring about the biggest headaches.” At this point, her words didn’t even really just apply to shoes. “I’m just bad at decisions when it comes to things that I know that don’t actually matter— which makes no sense But when it came to bigger things, that she was as quick as a bat. “I think I’m leaning towards the black, though.”

“I think most people are like that. Or, at least, that’s what I tell myself to feel better about it,” Ella said, laughing lightly. “Are the shoes for a special occasion? Or just winter? Or, perhaps the most important reason of all, you’re treating yourself?”

“I wish I knew. Wish I knew,” Jude said, smiling. “In defense of my mother though, while she is a huge fan of Shakespeare, it was also going to be a nod to the Dire Straits song. You know the one…” he hummed the tune a little, hoping she recognized it. “Oh, agreed, though if we’re aspiring to suicidal lovers, I much prefer the Sorrows of Young Werther. That whole lovestruck fool archetype, kind of relatable. Morrissey wasn’t any better, you know.”

“That’s amazing!” Ella said. If there was one reason she could get behind for naming a child, it was after a song or musician. “Why did she go with Jude? The Beatles song?” she asked. “Sorrows of Young Werther? How very academic of you. I never really liked school, so German literature wasn’t something I was ever interested in. I just know a vague synopsis.” Ella laughed at the Morrissey comment. “Don’t get me wrong, I love the Smiths. But the first song of theirs I ever heard was There Is  Light That Never Goes Out which is... macabre, to say the least.”

“Precisely. They’re gross and messy and they smell bad.” It was rich, perhaps, coming from Elijah of all people, but he’d never been particularly fond of pumpkins. 

“Oh,” Ella murmured. “I really like pumpkins, actually. Yeah, the guts are a little gross, but they’re so fun to carve. And they’re delicious! Pumpkin pie, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin seeds...” she trailed off, getting hungry. “Sorry, I digress. Well, whether or not you like pumpkins, I think we can agree that they don’t make a great costume. Unless you’re a baby.”

“I couldn’t even tell you the last time I saw it. I kind of avoid it now, if I’m honest,” Ben told her with a light shrug of his shoulders. “But I’m doing pretty good, how’re you?”

“I’m... alright,” Ella answered hesitantly. Living with Clara was no walk in the park, but she couldn’t tell Clara’s cousin that. “Things have just been kind of hectic lately.”

“Nope, still no,” he said, asserting himself. “I don’t drink alcohol, and eating cheese is something I do everyday, sometimes without me realizing it, like when I eat a sandwich or something, so it’s not really even enjoyable.” He shrugged. When she asked him what did he find fun, he barely thought for a second, giving her a quick, direct answer, like he’d been thinking about it for the past several minutes. “Sea animals,” came his response, sure as he was of most things. “I like going to the aquarium and looking at the sea animals. I like going to the aquarium in Brooklyn because the sea lions are cool, and I like the sand tiger sharks, too.” He would’ve said something like painting, but the truth in that would’ve been a truth he’d had years prior. These days, he hasn’t been able to really pick up a brush. “Do you like sand tiger sharks?”

Ella listened intently as Casey spoke, thoroughly enjoying how passionate he was. Ella didn’t particularly like aquariums. They were better than zoos, but it still made her sad to see animals all cooped up. But she wasn’t about to tell Casey that. Ella was still working on getting close to him, and she definitely wasn’t ready to challenge him. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen a sand tiger shark. But it sounds really cool. Why does it have that name?” she asked him.

Eva was still reading the message, speaking without looking up from the screen. “He asked me to do a quick read-over of some piece he wrote, ‘cause his main editor is away on maternity leave. This thing is four freakin’ pages long. Like, I’m not your slave, dude! I’m not even getting paid for this.”

“Oh,” Ella replied, somewhat confused. “Four pages doesn’t sound too bad. I could do it for you,” she offered.

                 “It’s a very technical term, don’t you watch the Great British Bake Off?” He teased with a smile, “Ask Mary herself—” It was almost her catchphrase, but Jamie would refrain from saying it again while he was near her. “It’s a disgrace to baking, I don’t know how it won a prize…”

“Oh, I know,” Ella replied. “Every time Mary says it I cringe. But thanks for the tip. Ill definitely avoid the pie,” she smiled at the man.

“It’s alright. Happens to the best of us,” Kevin assured her, or tried to at least, by showing a soft smile that he didn’t even feel convinced about but figured it was the best he could do in that moment. He had been actively avoiding meeting Casey’s family for a reason, and this was it, his nerves, his skepticism of having them like him or thinking that he was the adequate guy for the Mitchell boy, and that evening was not the best one for him to even pretend he wasn’t worrying about anything else. He was intrigued however, at the ‘other’ sister thing she had said, but didn’t know exactly how to ask without coming off too strong. “Oh… Pablo? You know of Pablo, of course,” he mumbled under his breath. He’s in the kitchen, yeah– I’ll…” He paused and instead went over, picked him up from the ground instead of picking up the little homemade fence to divide the room and brought him out. “Pablo, meet… Ella, right?” He asked, putting the small dog on the floor and letting him go forth to explore. 

Ella smiled at Kevin awkwardly, watching as he went to get Pablo. As soon as she saw the dog, her face lit up. Her smile was no longer forced but genuine. “Yeah, it’s Ella,” she replied, enraptured by the dog. She knelt down and held her hand out for him to sniff. After a moment Pablo gave her a lick, and she began petting him. Ella grinned, and looked up at Kevin. “Wow, he’s cute,” she mused. “Did you and Casey get him together?” Ella asked.

“That’s right,” he said, the words coming out in a slow drawl. “Everytime you go home for family dinners, looking forward to a hearty bowl of veggie stew, you’re gonna think of me, just sitting naked in a bathtub, lathering that shit all over my body.”

“That’s absolutely disgusting,” Ella said, barely stifling a laugh. She paused for a moment, thinking. “You and Clara are so different,” Ella mused.