safe space

A year ago, I remember whining to man not only because he did not even ask me how my exam went when I finished it but had the audacity to send me a green-coded meme minutes before taking it.

Now, a man treats my exam as serious as I take it, believes in me almost blindly, and never made me feel sorry for being caught up with it for the past week.

I wonder though if this love would be it. Is this excursion the one to send me to my last breath? Will this battle be the tangible proof of my mortality and limits?

I need to learn by going through.

Out of all women I’ve talked to, there seems to be one thing they were sure of: if a guy likes you, you will know.

This has been reaffirmed and told too many times in internet. And yet, there’s me, willfully ignorant. I know J does not like me, at least not in a way I’d hoped. Ironically, I know it because I never knew if he likes me. It was never clear like how many girls who claimed to have experienced the simplicity of men as creatures and natural predators have said. There simply is no in-between. It is biology.

What baffles me is why do I keep staying? Why did I return?

I know my sisters do not agree with me when I said we were back to talking. I said, I will try to have no expectations and not lose myself in the process. All I know was the past two weeks of no-contact has been more miserable than the struggle of trying to just ignore the fact that J only sees me as a friend. I thought, I’ve done it. I have had unrequited love (or admiration, for accuracy sake) in high school. Right now, I do not even care about them. Maybe, if it does not end well, time will run its course and do its power. Someday, he will just be some guy.

Perhaps, that was my consolation: knowing that unrequited love has not killed me. Non-reciprocation has not made me incapable of giving. I got over it, and this too is no exception.

There is a saying that when someone is not for you, the Universe would make them disappoint you multiple times until you learn. Maybe that has always been my method; I cannot naively believe on oft-repeated declarations on the internet and forever wonder for myself its truth. I need to learn by going through.