‘Your Ivan.’ Something ugly and possessive rumbles deep in Till’s chest. If only. Tenna isn’t the first person to say something like that about him and Ivan. If only Ivan would let that be true. If only Ivan would let Till love him as much as he wants to.
Till’s eyes widen the more the TV talks, his mouth dropping open. He is so sure, for a moment, that the man is actually talking about Till and Ivan using a thinly veiled metaphor, until he mentions the other person being 4 feet tall, which Ivan certainly is not.
“YEAH. That’s almost our exact situation… Look! I even punched a wall, too!” Till waves his splinted hand, absolutely flabbergasted. Shakily, he runs his hands through his hair, tears momentarily stemmed in his shock.
It’s at times like this when Till wishes that alcohol affected him like other people. By some miracle, here is a person who seems to know exactly what Till is going through, and Till is determined to talk it through, ghosts and flashbacks be damned. He drains the rest of his mug and then orders a triple shot of tequila for good measure, which he throws back immediately. Finally, five drinks in, he thinks he can start to feel the alcohol work like it’s supposed to—but that could just be because he truly wants to talk to someone about this.
“…Ivan is dead. Or, at least, he was. I… I watched him die…” Not to be held back any longer, tears that were welling up in his eyes spill over onto the wooden bartop. “The duet we did… We were both forced into a singing competition. Tournament style. Only the winner lives. Loser dies. I was… There was never any doubt in my mind that he would win. But I… I just didn’t wanna be without him, y’know? I was so scared t’ be alone… I didn’t see any point in continuin’. I… stopped singing. B-but Ivan, he… he threw his chances away even harder. He—”
Till chokes up, unable to continue. He feels cold rain prickle against his skin, though he knows logically he’s inside. As if summoned, the ghost with Ivan's face stands in the corner of his vision, staring at him with piercing red pupils and a sharp-toothed smile. Till tries to scratch at his neck to alleviate the pressure there, but the bandages are in the way. Luckily, his own touch is grounding enough that he finds it in himself to continue.
“He made sure I would win. He saw that I didn’t wanna keep going and… and he didn’t care what I wanted. For some reason, he… he must’ve hated the thought of losing more.” Till’s breath hitches, properly weeping now as the memory practically plays out behind his eyes.
“He’s so stupid,” Till agrees with a laugh that’s tangled up in a sob. “I’ve already hurt myself! I don’t even care if there’s nothing I can do, I-I just want to be there for him like he was always there for me! It’s so, so hard for me t’ talk about, an’ every time I try, we just get mad an’ start fightin’ all over again!”
“You know what he told me?! He thought I “wouldn’t care” if he died! How could he think that?! An’ when I try to tell him, or show him, how much I love him… he just shuts down! He doesn’t believe me! Th-they had t’ pull me, kickin’ and screamin’ away from his c-corpse… I never would have left him if I had any other ch-choice! I… I would’ve stayed with him! I n-never even had t-time t’ grieve him b-before they dragged me a-away t’ my next round! I w-wanted t’ st-stay—”
Till is barely able to get his last thought out, incoherently babbling before he fully dissolves into heaving sobs. His chest shakes with them as he pushes the heels of his palms into his eyes, his tears burning and his heart wracked with guilt.