chewbeforeyouswallow

Fuck. No one told me being an adult was like THIS. No one warned me or prepared me. I had no idea that people are so vapid and shallow. Those lifetime, childhood friends that you think care about you more than anyone? They don’t.

People love that you’re strong , capable, wise and intuitive until you call them out and try to hold them accountable for their bullshit. Then you’re too much or dramatic, no matter how gracefully you approached them.

Family falls apart. Parents get older and fade in ways you never thought they would. Life altering events can shatter your world, your family dynamic, in the span of seconds. A medical event. A tragedy. A loss. A separation. Sometimes even a text message.

This is everyone’s first time doing life, I get it none of us are perfect or have a fucking clue what we are doing. This is my first time being an eldest daughter and even though I’ve been part of my family for my entire existence, things shift, evolve (albeit not always for the best), and the reality of everything just slipping through your fingers while you grasp desperately trying to hold it all together is ever present.

I never thought I’d be here. An adult. A broken family that doesn’t know (or maybe care?) that it’s broken. Friends that are nonexistent. Friends that lash out at me because I’m always the one that’s forgiving. They’re stressed and don’t worry, “Elissa will always understand that I didn’t mean to freak out on her.”

She blocked me. I told her this administration is dangerous & that she should vaccinate her child and that ended a 10 year best friendship. I guess we really weren’t best friends, were we? Sorry that I care about women, children & science. So for now, I’ll disappear. I’ll read books. I’ll watch birds. I’ll bake bread. I’ll make new friends. I’ll learn new things. You can be mad for as long as you need.