flashbulb eyes

“No, I’ve never been one of those people, nor have I given anyone a reason to be like that. Not that I haven’t run across a handful of possessive girls in my life. I dodged those bullets, narrowly.

I wouldn’t go that far, but I do have a few saved to my phone for when they’re relevant to life. I’m the worst at sending them to my brother or my wife.”

“Some people fall into that trap and don’t realize it before it’s too late. It’s crazy, man. They’re like magicians with that shit. It’s like dating someone who twists shit and you end up apologizing for nothing. I feel like such a Debbie Downer right now. This doesn’t suit me at all. I’m Eli though, howdy. Hi. What’s up? Save your best memes for me, by the way. I gotta see ‘em.”

“Oh, and don’t even get me started on those couple youtube channels where they share every single little detail of their relationship. What happened to enjoying your relationship privately and with enough freedom to not have to share everything.”

“What happens when they break up? Who gets custody of the Youtube channel?Do they have to split their subscribers down the middle? Look at me, asking the real questions here. But seriously, that shit is no one’s problem but their own. People in general like being in everyone’s business and they’re giving them a free ticket to get inside their head. It’s just an overall bad idea. And kind of scary. This entire conversation is making me want to go off the grid, dang.”

“I think some poor, brainwashed souls agree to it. You know, the ones that post that it’s their one day anniversary and fight over who loves the other more over the phone? Gluing your name to someone else’s on social media screams possessive to me. It’s essentially someone marking their territory on their significant other,” Marco rambled on. “I think everyone is in a meme hell, whether they chose it or not. Some deeper than others.”

“The kind that’re like welp, I’m probably not going to score anyone else so I’ll just submit to this behavior and find every excuse in the book to justify it. Those kind of souls, huh. I’m sure there’s some super deep, valid reason as to why people let their SO’s monitor their life like that but...I’m not one of them, so. Exactly, see! That’s me. Stuck in a meme hell. I’m the asshole to bring it up in casual conversation too. I’ll be at a funeral while someone is reading the eulogy and I’d stand up with my phone ‘I got a meme for that.’”

“Dingleberry? I’ve never heard that before. Oh god, are you serious? They need to reverse that whole engagement and go back to a normal relationship where they learn what their middle name is.”

“Dingleberry, come on. It’s the greatest insult in the book. Next time you’re dragging someone, call them a dingleberry. You’ve automatically got the one up on them, trust me. Make it your go-to. I believe in you. But yeah, these joint Facebooks accounts need to die out sooner rather than later. If you’re going to be an asshole like that, just ask for their password. Save yourself the embarrassment, you know? Not that lurking the account is normal but...y’know. If you’re going to be weird and insecure in your relationship, at least be discreet about it.”

“What, is that really a thing? That’s just the perfect recipe for disaster.”

“It’s super embarrassing. Like secondhand embarrassment. Worse than watching a terrible act on America’s Got Talent. No one’s going to look at that and think ‘yep, this is normal.’ It’s fucking weird and I don’t feel bad judging the hell out of anyone who submits themselves to that. Yike.”

“It’s definitely not healthy,” She shook her head, then tilted it to the side, “But, to be honest, I don’t have that many people on my Facebook who’re like that. Maybe you need cooler friends.”

“Y’know what, I do need cooler friends. Groundbreaking observation. I left all of my super cool friends back in Brooklyn, womp womp. I gotta find some more, huh. I hope you’re volunteering. And I also hope you like being tagged in memes because that’s one hundred percent the greatest thing anyone can offer, right?”

“Yeah, that’s just codependency at it’s finest, really. isn’t it?” Kate said, with a short laugh.

“It’s so weird though, right? If anyone even tried to suggest that to me, I’d be like ‘alright, that’s my cue - peace and I’m outie. I’ve got a hard enough time sharing my french fries and now someone wants to share a Facebook with me? Nope. Not here for that. I’m gooood.”

“Nothing says ‘one of us has cheated’ more than a joint account,” the Italian smirked, his teeth gritting through his grin at the mere thought.

“I’m going to start lurking their profile in seek of calls for help. Do you think it’s a mutual thing? Because I can’t imagine both of them are like ‘hey, this seems like a great idea!’, no. Someone was definitely conned into that shit. That stuff just weirds me out though. Like, I can’t imagine a girlfriend even looking through my phone. If you’re looking for evidence then we’ve got bigger fish to fry here. On a side note, if anyone ever did look through my phone, they’d just fall into a meme hell. That’s all I have goin’ for me here.”

“Joint Facebook accounts are a code for someone cheating and now the other doesn’t trust them, so now they are stuck together in an account. I’m shocked there aren’t more breakups because of joint accounts.”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying though! How fucking obvious. Like, ‘we get it, someone here isn’t loyal, so let’s place bets and find out which one of these dingleberries it is.’ I’ve also seen like...’Matt JessicasFiancee’ and that’s another favorite. Actually, that one probably takes the cake because you know that guy is doomed. It’s like watching your friend drown in quicksand and you really can’t do anything about it. Better luck in your next life, buddy ol’ pal.”