You Know I Have To Ask, But Are Friends Electric?

     ❝ A safeword is a word agreed on by both parties that the bottom uses to establish that they’re not into what’s going on. A simple phrase like ‘ I don’t wanna do that ’ is easy, but some people use other terms. ❞

     ❝ I doubt she’d want to be tied to the ceiling fan, but she might not mind using a sex swing. ❞ It’s clear that Yomo is going to need a drink to finish this converstation, so Uta pours him one, sliding a whiskey glass filled with aged blood across the table. ❝ I understand that it’s usually you who isn’t in charge in the bedroom, but why don’t you ask her to show you what she wants and teach you how to execute it? ❞

Yomo takes the glass and drinks from it like a dying man, half sputtering. Sex swing, Uta might as well have been speaking another language. He seemed so calm about this, so casual. There’d always been rumours, the fourth ward was always buzzing with that sort of thing, Uta was weird, and he generated gossip, but since Uta and Maiko had rekindled their...whatever it was, sometimes he heard bits of conversation, busted bed frames, or strange gestures. He didn’t pay too much mind to them, or at least tried not to, for his own sanity. ❝Swings are for children Uta, what the hell?❞

     He can understand why she wants to be the one lacking control here and there, it’s a common trope hosted in those who hold power. A CEO gets exposed for spending time with a dominatrix instead of his wife, yet it happens all the time. Those in positions of constant power enjoy being the one lacking it in the bedroom here and there. It was known to the majority of those around them that Shini was indeed the stronger one, so he can see why it’d be something she’d want. Or maybe, just maybe, she wanted to boost Yomo’s ego a bit. But that can’t be the case.

     Uta is well aware of what happened the first time Yomo was rough with her, it didn’t end well for either of them and it only caused them to distance themselves from each other.        ❝ You’re going to want to establish her limitations, possibly agree on safewords, but start off slow, figure out what she likes, then do it, but then take it away. That makes it more fun. ❞

Already Yomo can tell he regrets this. Uta is the wrong person to go to about these kinds of things, but honestly who else is there? He has no peers other than the weird mask maker, and maybe Itori. There’s Tsukiyama too, he supposes, but, they most certainly weren’t close enough to discuss this sort of thing.  And Uta is already going too fast, safewords and taking things away? Is something wrong with him, Jesus, what do he and Maiko do when no one is around? 

He blanches at the ghoul, his face unflatteringly tucked into his chin.

She’s a little too drunk for such a statement, and Yomo places careful hands over her shoulders, in part to keep her from swaying, but also to focus a little more on her face. He resists the urge to pass a thumb tenderly beneath her eye, to smile at her, and perhaps guide her into bed. 

“I don’t want to step on you,” he says not unkindly, though his brow furrows in confusion.

Uta had said something about this, hadn’t he? 

He didn’t exactly trust Uta when it came to anything romance related, memories pooling in of the time he’d found a dog leash hanging over the edge of the sofa at HySy and Uta had casually remarked that it wasn’t exactly for a traditional dog. 

He’d mentioned it offhand to Shini, who’d promptly explained. He hadn’t been able to look the mask maker in the eye for weeks. 

In part, he wants to blame Uta for this idea, for suggesting such a thing to his beloved spider. But the shimmer in her eyes seems to tell him it may not be what it appears. 

     With Yomo in and out of her life and her in and out of is ( it wasn’t intentional, she wanted to stay, but things happen that are out of her control ), it was always hard for her to confess how she really felt, she’d leave small hints here and there hoping he’d catch them, she didn’t know how to bring things up like that. She’s truly fallen in love with someone once, and it was him, at the mention of him her heart still fluttered like she was a teenage girl once more and certain memories would flood her head ( the gift of the button, she still has it, it’s in her jewelry box ). There were certain people ( one person ) who’d mention him out of spite, they wanted to get a rise out of her, and they almost always did ( she stopped going to the bar as often as she used to, putting herself in that situation wasn’t worth the emotions Itori would bring back to life ).

     Yet there was two people she could trust to mention his name, and they were the ones trying to help rekindle what used to be. Shini would always be grateful for Maiko and Uta’s efforts, but she understands that here and there, Yomo just doesn’t know what to do, or doesn’t want to put her or those around her ( the twins, he cared for them the way Choki didn’t ) in danger. But Shini tends to think that it would be here placing him in risky situations due to her status and career. With various adult films of her being brutally murdered on the rise, forums on the deep web hosting various theories on how it looked too real to be fake and that she must be a ghoul circulating ( such things risked her true identity being exposed ), and the constant unneeded hostility between other ghoul groups trying to obtain power in the fourth ward, there was a lot at stake if things went wrong on her end. She doesn’t know if he was willing to take that risk.

     But she had the ability to protect him and those he wanted to keep safe. She sought out that power, she did what she had to in order to get it, starting even before Hiro brought her to Tokyo.

[ Shini Takashi ] 4:11 A.M.

I just wish you stayed with me that night

     Index finger quickly hits send, no hesitation present.

[ Shini Takashi ] 4:14 A.M.

What are you doin right now?

As the phone buzzes Yomo feels a little more at ease over the ghoul who has staked claim over his heart, soul, and mind too. The realisation that she does not hate him is liberating, and he almost feels giddy at the thought. 

His heart feels like its pounding, rising into his throat. All of the feelings and memories come back, the way when they were teens she’d leaned into him to kiss him, the press of his hand on hers, giving her the button from his jacket.

He grasps at his phone, eyes scanning over her messages, eyes widening in surprise. 

Shini wishes he had stayed? 

He purses his lips for a moment, after he’d seen the tears in her eyes, he couldn’t stand it, he’d fled the scene quickly, trying to run away from the shame in his gut, and the inability to face her emotions. He had known in that moment he had let her down, but had he also let her down by leaving? 

The realisation comes so quickly that it almost smacks him in the face, with gusto.

More than likely, she had wanted him to stay to comfort her. 

Unbidden Uta’s words rise in his mind. 

“You must enjoy watching her rot away in misery.” 

He had let her down, not by his physical action, but his emotional inaction.

Quickly, he texts out a response. 

[Renji Yomo] 4:23 AM 

Yomo blinks at Kamisori. Though he doesn’t exactly know much about the boy’s parentage, from what he overheard from Itori, he had been excommunicated from his family. He’d been talented, and similar enough to Uta’s own tastes to provoke the ghoul to take him in as an apprentice, which in itself said quite a lot.  He vaguely wondered if Asa herself was jealous. 

The idea of him being left to his own devices is a sad one, and Yomo peers around the confines of HySy, squinting in the darkened red lights of the shop. Though he cannot hear it, it seems always to have a faint tinkle of carnival music, just out of reach.  But perhaps that is just the effect of the overlarge carousel horse that Kami himself is perched on. 

Then though, staring into the boy’s face, he remembers. Maiko had been running around, introducing the boy as her and Uta’s “son”.  Uta seemed less than thrilled, and he wasn’t sure if he exactly liked the idea of Maiko being in charge of any living ghoul. He’d seen her apartment once when Uta was cleaning for her, back when she’d made her reappearance. She did not seem exactly trustworthy, with that murderous rooster, and the cock-eyed cat with the underbite

     The second Yomo grabs hold of Uta’s coat, the ghoul has to contain the sudden aggression building up inside him. Yet he had listened carefully to what the other had to say, it’s made clear that Renji doesn’t understand every aspect of what had truly happened. When Maiko left, he had lost a part of himself, she took it from him with a smile on her face, and yet he wasn’t mad about it. When she had left, he never felt complete, he was missing a piece of himself, and so he tried to fill it, spending hours with others, yet it never felt right, so before things got to far, he’d strike them down, human and ghoul alike.

     What Yomo does not know is that what he fears he can do to Shini, has already been done to her. Yet she handled it accordingly, or what she thought would be the best way to do so. She was conditioned to deal with the worst of the worst. ❝ You say Maiko and I have the luxury of getting to be with each other, but by sitting around doing nothing you too, are robbing Shini of that luxury. Renji, what you don’t see is that you’re selfish yourself, you’re selfish with Antieku, you’re selfish with Touka, Hinami, and Ayato. You’re giving yourself to them, you dedicate your every waking moment to ensure their safety, who’s there to protect you at the end of it all? ❞

      ❝ I believe Shini to be one of the most selfless ghouls, she constantly gives herself to others in ways you could only dream of her giving herself to you. You think she likes to be in such situations?  You should hear the things she says about it when her and Maiko are together, but she does it to provide for herself, for the twins, and those around her. ❞ His mind trails to a distant memory, back to the time when Maiko had been attacked in their youth and it was Shini who took care of her until she was well again. There is no lie, Uta holds appreciation in his heart for the woman, he could trust her in ways he couldn’t trust Itori, among several other clowns. 

     ❝ You must enjoy watching her rot away in misery. ❞

Yomo can practically taste Uta’s venom in the air, smell the anger on the other ghoul like a veil. He’d always been like that, testy when it came to his relationship with with the pop idol. What right after all, did he have to assume when it came to them? While he was not, and never would be Maiko’s biggest fan, he knew how important she was to both Uta, and to Shini, and he withdraws a little more from the other ghoul, motioning for a drink. As his glass is filled, he takes a sip. Already he feels more relaxed, a little more easy, though his heart is still pounding in his chest. 

“I shouldn’t have said that.” he says after a moment, “It just seems...so much easier for you both. Uta, no matter what you do, Maiko will always think the world of you. Even if you lie, even if you hurt her, she always comes back.” 

He stares at the glossy coat of protectant on the bar, lets a finger trace over the woodgrain pattern before taking another sip. 

“I tried once.” Yomo says. “One night, I got ahead of myself. I’d watched some of those...videos. I just wanted to do things right.”

He winces, thinking back to the night where he had visited Shini, his head filled with AVs and had been rough, too rough with her. He hadn’t hurt her physically, but he’d hurt her heart, and somehow, that had been worse. 

“I just...I thought it was what she liked, what she wanted. The look on her face said everything, and I just had to get away from her as fast as I could. I couldn’t take her looking at me, not like that. Not like I was one of them, one of those men.” 

He takes another sip, and the alcohol burns his chest, though it does nothing to quell his shame. 

He laughs, though the sound is hollow, bitter. “Maiko found out, and you know I never considered her scary until then. You’re both really similar... She told me I was a fool, and that if I couldn’t separate reality from fiction, it’d be best if I stayed away. Made me feel pretty pathetic. I don’t ever want to do that to Shini ever again.”

     There is always the thought of him losing Maiko once more in the back of his head, yet he took the proper precautions and steps to make sure he wouldn’t lose her again. If something was going on in one ward, he wouldn’t let her stay there. Uta used to put Maiko’s safety into Itori’s hands, yet that’s not something he could do anymore. Itori’s motives weren’t pure, her intentions with Maiko vile, and Itori was smart about it, she could pull the strings but make it seem like she had nothing to do with it. So, Uta would much rather leave her with Yomo, and when Maiko would complain about his living conditions, to Shini she’d go. 

     The idea of leaving Maiko with Shini was more comfortable to him, she was like him in some odd way, and he knew nothing would harm a single hair on Maiko’s head when she was with her, Shini wouldn’t let it happen. Their bond was almost sister like, it was tender, it was soft, and they were there for each other when needed be. There was no internally conflict between them, and any form of jealously between them was nonexistent. Even when Maiko left, Shini had nothing but good things to say about her, Itori was a different story.

     ❝ Renji, we’re all going to die at some point. ❞ There was no escaping this, there was going to be a time when they met the grim reaper in full, and none of them knew how they were going to end. Yet if they made the right choices, they could just keep hanging on.

     ❝ But what happens when the spider gets crushed, and you never told her how you really feel? The amount of regret you’d endure, it’d be unbearable. That’s what you should be scared of. ❞

“You don’t understand,” Yomo says softly, cutting Uta off with a wave of his hand. He understands what Uta means, understands that the clown is just telling him to jump into the abyss with no safety net, to simply trust in Shini, and he does.  It’s himself though, that he cannot count on.  Does he have the strength to bear such a weight? To know that one wrong move could send them both careening into the crashing waves. He could hurt her irrevocably beyond repair, and it’s that, which stops him from the leap. 

“You’ve always had it easy with Maiko...it’s not complicated.” Yomo says, his eyes burning with a ferocious intensity. “Uta, it’s not that simple for me. I can’t be selfish about her, I don’t have the luxury!” 

Yomo grabs the side of Uta’s coat in his fist, trying to make the other ghoul understand, to see his point of view. He doesn’t need the affects of blood wine to make him dizzy, not tonight. The mere thought of the woman who had entangled his heart in their web had done that. 

“You let Maiko go.” he says, chest heaving, “You let her go to Osaka, even though you knew it would kill you to be separated from her. You sent her away so she could be safe!”