the art of letting go

hi everyone, you can call me bet/bet’anya

queer post-op trans woman (she/her, 25 y/o)

my old account was theartoflettinggoofhim

this feels pertinent to include: i’m a tankie (marxist-leninist). if you support capitalism or don’t like that, block me because frankly i don’t care to argue with you. and that includes anything you disagree with—just block me, because i genuinely don’t give a flying fuck about your negating opinion. this is my blog, go complain on your own blog—that’s what it’s for. if you try to argue with me or post something negative about me on one of my posts, you will swiftly and expeditiously be blocked and ignored, because the reality is that you’re seeking attention because your life truly is that miserable.

i’ve been diagnosed with: bipolar with psychotic features, borderline personality disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, hypermobile ehler’s danlos syndrome, ibd and ibs, pots, ptsd, schizoaffective disorder, substance use disorders, tardive dyskinesia, and tourette’s (to put it simply, i fucking hate my life 😐)

i’m a recovering opioid addict (drug of choice) and alcoholic. i (mostly) also abuse stimulants and inhalants, but i’ll abuse anything i can get my hands on (right now that’s currently my prescribed suboxone and promethazine)

days sober: 225 0

i have three bachelors degrees (chemistry, environmental geosciences, and classical studies, with a mathematics minor). i’m currently pursuing a masters in classical studies and a certificate in gender & women’s studies. i yearn to pursue a dual-title phd in classical studies and g&w studies, and i want to eventually teach ancient greek and gender & sexuality in classical antiquity!! :)

as a classicist, i have to be fluent in a multitude of languages, so the following format will serve to describe how fluent i am in each language: [language] : read/speak/write (r/s/w).

english: r/s/w — fluent (mother tongue)

french: (learning for my masters)

german: (learning for my masters) speak

greek (attic, homeric, epic ionic and ionic proper, koine, and modern): r/s/w — fluent

italian: (going to learn for my phd)

latin: r/s/w — fluent

sanskrit: (going to learn for my phd)

spanish: r/s/w (been about two years since i’ve used it in prose so a little rusty) — fluent

i don’t post tw tags, so please let this be your only warning (though i do post tags that pertain to the subject being discussed). if you don’t like my blog, i ask that you please BLOCK instead of reporting (i talk about my diagnoses, sh, addiction, etc.). i use this as my expressive outlet.

always here to talk/listen if you need someone, just hmu xx

there are SO many fucking hoops and legal issues to go through, and it’s beyond exhausting. actually HAVING bottom surgery is exponentially harder than achieving hrt, and a lot of you need to recognize that. if you aren’t paying cash for bottom surgery (which is the case most of the time), then you specifically have to have 3 letters written to your insurance from a psychiatrist, therapist, and doctor who prescribes your hrt IN A SPECIFIC, EXACT FORMULA. if you don’t do it to their liking, or it excludes something that they require (which they won’t tell you what the letter should be like), they will reject your proposition for bottom surgery, and then you have to spend months trying to get approved again. it’s extremely rare that trans women get their insurance to cover it from the first attempt with the letters. and that doesn’t even begin to cover how you have to get EVERY procedure done during the surgery (i can’t find my papers right now, but it was 10+ procedures) approved by your insurance by jumping through MORE legal hoops. oh, and you have to be mentally sound and not struggling mentally with any of your disorders aside from gender dysphoria (to the point that it is affecting your daily life) to even be CONSIDERED for bottom surgery (good luck with that, being denied because your psychiatrist and/or therapist decides you’re not medically stable is one of the WORST feelings). not to mention most surgeons require electrolysis/laser hair removal to prevent you from growing hair in your vaginal canal, and they usually require you be on hrt AND have a psychiatrist and therapist whom you talked to about your gender dysphoria for a certain amount of years… i literally had nightmares every single night starting at the 3 month out mark because of how bad my gender dysphoria was (and you also have to have a gender dysphoria diagnosis with a certain amount of time that you’ve been suffering from it, and it has to be deemed debilitating to your quality of life). i would literally wake up crying and shaking EVERY NIGHT because i would have a nightmare of gelding myself on my own, because i genuinely could NOT wait to have it done. you also have to fit a certain bmi category, so i had to lose 30 pounds in two months for it to happen. had i literally weighed a pound more, i would have been rejected and told to reschedule (which would have been at least a year out).

i can keep going, but hopefully you get what i’m saying: bottom surgery is BEYOND fucking difficult, which doesn’t even include the physical aspect of it all and being in the hospital for 7 days after the surgery. y’all think it’s so fucking easy because you got hrt easily. you also have to remember that you’ll be dilating twice a day for about the first year (~45 minutes each dilation session), and then you go down to once a day FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. oh, and you’ll have to sit on a donut pillow anytime you’re sitting for months after the surgery.

wow, let’s unpack that. i’ve literally been in withdrawal since wednesday night and restarted my sub around noon today—naturally i’m going to be hard to stand, which is not my fucking fault. blame my disease not me (and if you’re a non-addict stfu about how i acted today—you literally have not even the SLIGHTEST idea what it’s like to be withdrawing from opioids). my tics are worsening because i ran out of my med for two months because my psychiatrist is a massive piece of shit, so naturally i’m going to be stressed out physically and mentally. third, my left elbow and right hip have been dislocating all day long… NATURALLY i’m going to be exhausted and quick to snap. finally, i bumped up my haldol by 2 mg in the morning, so i’ve been ‘zombified’ and annoyed because of my hallucinations, paranoia, and delusions. yes, i am, in fact, very angry. oh, and for the cherry on top: i’ve been having mood swings almost every hour, swinging in a multitude of ways, and i’ve been splitting on people.

all of these issues combined make the PERFECT and NATURAL conclusion that i have the right to be angry today. and no, i’m not going to apologize for it.

Is sperm donor your father?

I prolly have a million more questions but that’s where I’ll start.

haha… i’m really not sure what to think of this, but i’ll assume it’s in good faith. yes, i definitely am a little mean, and i will never apologize for it. i’m tired of being discriminated against and harassed, whether it be for my physical or mental disabilities, or for my identity and what i’ve done to survive. thank you for the kind remarks in this ask… feel free to dm me if you want more personal information, or feel that you have personal questions that you don’t feel are appropriate to be asked in the public sphere.

keep your opinion to yourself if you disagree with me. i PROMISE you literally have no use to me: as far as i’m concerned, you are literally nothing. a nobody. a useless person who has no contribution to my world. this is my blog, and i will say whatever the fuck i want to about my life. you are not involved with my life. you are only a pest, and how do we deal with pests? we block them so their perceived power over someone is shown to just be a massive ego crashout. by commenting on my post you disagree with, you are literally exemplifying how useless you are to me, and i have no time nor energy for useless people, for i actually have a life. i don’t spend time scrolling through this site desperately seeking attention. how about you work on that instead of complaining to me about your wild interpolation of what i said.

i’m looking at you legal meth that is infused with lavender oil (i can explain this but only in dms, because i really don’t want to post this everywhere for people to start doing the same—it literally killed my best friend and made him die from heart failure at 25, so take that as you will. also, i should mention that it will most likely make your body instantly reject it because of the lavender oil and make you throw it up almost instantaneously—i’m a true degenerate, so i’ve [redacted]. dm me for that last bit if you’re interested in some disgustingly degenerate lore).