If they seem displeased, or offended, or they do something shitty toward me, it really fucks up my brain, because it's been engrained in me that I must be the problem. I must have done something to make them treat me this way. I must have done or said something wrong, or been misinterpreted to something terrible, for them to treat me this way,

And it can take me WEEKS to finally, after assessing the situation and consulting with multiple people, family and friends, and writing about it extensively, and reflecting on anything I could have done differently....

Is that I have to get to know a person, on a pretty deep level, before I can even start to feel like I might be interested in them.

How many people in your life do you even know on a deep and genuine level?

And yet I look through these dating apps and the best I can come up with is the vague notion that one guy might look a little more.. cuddly? Or that he might appreciate all the weird things I make and that I do, and he might have his own interests he would want to share with me?

And even if that's the case, who's to say if he's even a good person?

This is a huge societal problem with men raised in the 90s, largely due to fucked up media portrayals of women, reducing them sex objects, basically because marketing was trying to appeal to the male gaze. But then young men and women for a decade had this shoved down their throats in our formative years, with the notion that men don't have to do anything, or be anything special, they just have to exist, roll ouot of bed and show up, and they're entitled to a 'hot' girlfriend. They're entitled to sex. They're entitled to having that woman do all the laundry, and the cleaning, and washing dishes, and cooking, and having his kids, and taking care of those kids, and possibly juggling a job of her own on top of all of that. But even if you're both working, all this other shit still falls to her. Why?

And the biggest problem with all of this, is that men who adapted this entitlement spoon fed to them by money-hungry media..

They don't see women as people. And they aren't even aware they're doing it.

You could tell them they're not seeing women as people, and they'll get angry. They'll say they're not stupid.

What do you mean I don't see women as people. They're not dogs. They're not cyborgs. Of course they're people.

But they can't step back and self-reflect, and recognize all these expectations and things they feel entitled to, from her, because she's a woman, and 'that's what women do'. All the shit men don't want to do, and feel entitled they shouldn't have to. That's for women. Because they're the sub-species of human that does that. Not me. I'm a man. I'm a normal human. It's easier if she does all that shit for me.

Like.. This is the mentality. But they don't wanna admit that's their mentality, because that would make them the bad guy. And they're dogmatically the hero of every story, no matter what they do, or how they treat other people. If they're being an asshole, or they're being cruel, you're just not UNDERSTANDING enough. All the media that centers men and boys like them always include moments where they main character is bombarded with insurmountable stress and trauma to a point they just break and go apeshit, supersayan, or whatever the fuck. And they feel entitled to do that, if they think they've reached a point where everyone should just understand the kind of stress they're under, and UNDERSTAND they would never normally act this way.

Even when the hurt and the dismissiveness and the selfishness and the cruelty continues

For over a ddecade.

While you never hold him accountable, because he's trying. And you think he loves you. And even though you're doing everything while he watches porn and plays video games and resents ever having to spend money on his family, You walk on eggshells and try to quietly manage his stress and agitation to a minimum, and try to protect your kids from it, without making him feel like the bad guy.

Because of course, he's not the bad guy. Everyone is always the problem but him. He is the tragic 'nice guy' hero-victim', always under-appreciated, always misunderstood. No one loves him like he deserves to be loved. And even when they spend years sacrificing, understanding, with patience and longsuffering, trying to show you they DO love you, in a deep, meaningful, and very comitted way,

You push them away to make them TRY HARDER.

But how are you showing that person love, in that scenario?

Fuck you Mr. Nice Guy. Mr. White-Knight, Mr. Hero of all the video games, because you clicked all the 'right' dialogue boxes to earn that achievement, pretending to be someone you're not.

And then resent and accuse and trash on the people who love you so they'll massage your ego and your conscience for lying to them about who you are, so they'll love the false version you presented in the first place.

Always the victim of the situation he created for himself.

It's hard to tell who is a genuinely good person, who is capable of loving me as a person,

it's coming up on a season that is good for my band. Might have some opportunities for gigs.

My friend who is in the band, said they might be coming up for a practice, gave me two days as a rough estimate, just what they were still ironing out, not set in stone.

I found out one of the coolest events I've heard of this year, that would be perfect, is happening on one of those two days, not far from where we were going to practice.

I sent an email to the event coordinators, just asking if they would be interested in the possibility of our band playing.

And of course, because I did that, I went and sent my friend a message about it.

Y'all.

Not only did she say they just didn't wanna drive at night, but that the other two girls they were hanging out with just didn't wanna come, so they're not gonna do it.

WHAT??

This is an AMAZING opporunity.

One that is still just HYPOTHETICAL too. I might not even hear back from the event coordinators. All of this is HYPOTHETICALLY a once in a lifetime kind of night! They're just gonna blow it off because one girl says she doesn't wanna sing, even though I already said nobody is making her sing??

They don't wanna drive at night, but they don't even wanna talk crashing here, or other options, to try to make it work??

I'm so confused, baffled, frustrated.

Did they wanna do this or not? I left it up tp them last year to try to get us a gig close to where they live and nothing happened. Radio silence.

I was so lost why she was dismissing this HYPOTHETICAL scenario, so definitively, that I said,

well, I haven't even heard anything back from them, but if I do, and they actually say they're interested, do you still want me to say no?

AND SHE SAYS

'well, you will just have to tell them you didn't confirm with the rest of the group'

EXCUSE ME??

YOU'RE the one who gave me the dates! I NEVER committed us to ANYTHING yet. I was just asking if they'd even be interested?? Can I not even ASK people if they'd be interested, and try to find us HYPOTHETICAL GIGS UNLESS I'VE COORDINATED WITH EVERY ONE AND DOUBLE CHECKED THEY CAN ALL MAKE IT BEFORE I SEE IF WE EVEN HAVE A GIG TO COORDINATE TO??

Wtf is she thinking.

Fuck this. I'm gonna see if I can get two other girls to fill in. If that event wants me, I'm gonna be there with or without them.

It's clearly not important to them.

'You will have to tell them you didn't confirm with the other group members'

what the actual fuck.

Like I'm a kindergartner that promised Jimmy's cookie in his lunch box to another kid without asking Jimmy first.

I HAVE TO SEE IF WE EVEN HAVE A GIG TO GO TO BEFORE I TRY TO ASK IF PEOPLE CAN GO TO IT OR NOT.

the fuck

out.

I do not have

the money

to be having everything fucking falling apart under me at EVERY FUCKING TURN.

I still don't know what the fuck happened with the first phone from ebay. I swear I was carefully looking for ones that said they were ULOCKED.

So then how, when I'm going back to check on how soon it's going to get here, does it say in the description it's LOCKED. The FUCK am I supposed to do with this?? Still not convinced they didn't pull some kind of scam and change details after I bought the damned thing. Even though it says ebay doesn't allow them to do that. Fine wtf. my fault I guess. Must have been so fucking stressed out I confused two different listings. idk. FUCK me.

I try to buy another one CLEARLY AYS UNLOCKED IN THE TITLE, MULTIPLE TIMES IN THE DESCRIPTION.

Seller has 100% feedback.

It's been like FOUR DAYS and they have not fucking shipped the thing!! WHY NOT?? TF IS HAPPENING??

Exasperated and desperate, wondering even if this ebay one arrives, it's still the same make an model of my own phone, that may have syopped working because it's out of support as of a few years ago?? So what if this one actually gets here, and then the same shit happens next week??

So I'm like.. UGH. FUCK. FINE. I've been trying to scrounge and save what little I can, to put twoard building my tiny home, so I can have a ROOF OVER MY HEAD and not have to burden my family with my disabled ass sleeping in their guest room.

But I guess I'm gonna have to spend what I've tries to save the last FOUR MONTHS on A FUCKING NEWER PHONE.

So I look at the feedback, says 100%.

THIS PERSON ON AMAZON SELLING USED HAS 100% FEEDBACK SCORE.

I BUY THE STUPID PHONE.

DAYS GO BUY IT HAD NOT SHIPPED>

I"M LOOKING AT THE FEEDBACK AGAIN BECAUSE I'M FUCKING PARANOID

AND MULTIPLE PEOPLE IN THE FEEDBACK ARE SAYING THEIR PHONE FROM THIS SELLER WORKED FOR TWO DAYS AND THEN WERE CANCELLED BECAUSE THE PHONE WAS REPORTED STOLEN.

THE FUCK??

THERE ARE MANY MANY NEGATIVE FEEDBACK REVIEWS AND THEY'RE ALL CROSSED OUT'HOW THE FUCK IS AMAZON LETTING THIS FLY AND HOW ARE ALL THESE NEGATIVE REVIEWS BEING CROSSED OUT AND ALLOWING THIS PERSON TO HAVE 100% FEEDBACK ON THEIR SITE WTF

I TRIED TO CANCEL THE ORDER BECAUSE IT WAS STILL 'GETTING READY TO BE SHIPPED' and AS SOON AS I DID THAT IT SAYS

OH YOU CAN'T CANCEL IT, IT"S IN TRANSIT.

WHAT

THE FUCK.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH A STOLEN PHONE THAT'S GONNA BE LOCKED AS SOON AS I TRY TO PUT MY SIM CARD IN??

FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I'm gonna have to ask amazon to take this fucking thing back and get a refund, and fucking go to the trouble of taking it to a drop off loctaiton or some shit.

AND I HAVE TO WAIT FOR IT TO GET HERE BEFORE I DO THAT.

AND THE OLDER PHONE, THE UNLOCKED ONE ON EBAY STILL HASN'T EVEN SHIPPED YET.

I HAVE NOT HAD A PHONE FOR ALMOST TWO WEEKS NOW

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY IMPORTANT WEBSITES REQUIRE YOU TO CONFIRM YOUR ACCOUNT THROUGH YOUR PHONE??

But sure, incels like games and hate women and some of them have a lot of money, so take advantage of that, and don't give a shit about the assault and death rates of women at the hands of men like this, in this country.

I don't think the battery replacement worked. It just keeps showing the charging screen and shutting off and showing the charging screen, over and over and over again. I had it plugged in for hours and no change.

Went back online to troubleshoot. Tried a few things. Can't even get it in recovery mode because when I select it, it just goes back to charging, shut off, charging, shut off.. you get it.

So I thought.. ok. There was a good chance that wasn't going to work. I've never replaced a smart phone battery before, especially one that's nor meant to be replaced.

At least I bought another phone that should be here...

Nope. It won't be here until Monday.

And then I went and looked at the listing...

And it says it's a locked phone.

The fuck??

I knew I needed an UNLOCKED phone!

I was so sick, and confused, I even looked up whether or not a seller can actually change a listing after it's purchased, and the answer is no. Whatever I bought, the title would have been preserved as is, on my recent purchases page, and it doesn't say unlocked there.

Wtf.

I don't know if this is just another instance of my brain being so stressed out, it briefly shorted out and I bought the wrong listing or what. Fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck.

I looked it up, and apparently a repaid place might be able to unlock the phone for me. Maybe.

But I also bought another one. UNLOCKED. That should arrive soon. Hopefully.

My guess is, the locked one might have been used less, and so if the repair place can unlock it, it might last longer than the unlocked one I just bought.

I just need to get through one more year, and then my ex has to either sell the house, or buy me out of my half of it, and then things won't be so dire financially.

If I can just fucking get a phone to WORK, for one more year, I can think about upgrading.

Can't fucking believe I ried so hard to save money buying a used phone of the same model on ebay, and thought I bought an unlocked one. Thought I was being careful about it... and NOPE.

So funny.

so FUCKING funny.

I'm so stressed out, I almost can't even function anymore.

I have spent so much money on the battery replacement and repair kit, the apparently LOCKED phone, and now the UNLOCKED one,

I may as well have just fucking bought the newer model off amazon in the first place.

Idk.

idk.

Maybe if I get one unlocked, and the already unlocked one works, we will have a backup for when my oldest kid's phone dies on us.

idk. I'm trying to see the up side to any of this.

Whether this works or it doesn't. I did it.

Never opened up a fucking smart phone to replace a glued-in 'non-replaceable battery' before. Had to use a magnifying glass to see the tiny little screws, and there were nine of them.

I peeled apart the case withthe little guitar pick thing. I held it in front of a heat source for two minutes, not sure if it did anything. Sprayed the instruments with rubbing alcohol,

Carefully pried out the old battery.

Put in the new one. pushed the little connector back in. Put the motherboard cover back on and all nine tiny little screws that cannot be seen with the naked eye.

Closed up the case, put in the sim card, and it looks like it's charging.

I did it.

I did it.

Dunno if it's going to work.

Even if it does, people online are saying when you put in a new battery it only works for another three months?? idk if that's true or just one unlucky person.

But I did my best.

And if this deoesn't work, I did order another phone of the same make and model off ebay and it should be here Monday.

I'm sleeing much better. I'm not expected to push myself past my limits and stress ut my mind and body, trying to participate in things he wants to do, that he doesn't want to do without having a wife to show off to friends and extended family. And he would keep me there for hours and hours, despite me telling him I will go but I can't stay long.

There were times I fell asleep in people's houses. Which I HATE. Once, I fell asleep in a chair in a lobby at a wedding reception.

Let me stress, I have pretty severe social anxiety and this DOES NOT FEEL SAFE TO ME AND I DON'T WANT TO BE DOING THAT BUT THE EXHAUSTION TOOK OVER.

I would break down sobbing once we got in the car.

Not to mention, pushing my limits like that triggers my autoimmune response and it will make me ill and exhausted for three or four DAYS following these episodes.

But I don't have to do that shit aymore.

And it goes further than that.

Because he resented me for being sick and needing to leave when I need to leave,

He started trying to turn things around on me, trying to get me to REACT to him whenever we would see my family, or do somthing I wanted to do. If one of the kids expressed kinda wanting to leave soonish, SUDDENLY HE CARES HOW THEY FEEL AND WE NEED TO LEAVE AND HE TELLS ME EVERY FIVE SECONDS, UNDER THE GUISE OF SPEAKING UP FOR OUR CHILD

A child that doesn't want anything to do with him now because of how he treated this child at home. So it's pretty sick how he was twisting those situations to try to manipulate me into saying "ok just a few minutes" and then him being unreasonable, and completely out of the context of what I was doing before.

I can proudly say I never snapped back. I didn't lash out. It could be just because I was so fucking exhausted and I didn't have it in me. But I never gave him reactions he could twist into something to cry abuse, when he was the abuser.

ANYWAY,

I wasn't going to talk about all of that.

What I was going to document right now is that fact that even though I'm doing better physically, and I'm lifting weights, and I'm eating things that my body needs, and I'm taking important supplements, and I feel stronger and I'm not sleeping a million years anymore,

The problem is.. Even though I've always had health problems, and I always will, Now I'm in perimenopause. So the cramping that came before and after my cycle, which could sometimes briefly be just as intense as already-complicated period cramps.. I'm having cramping.. ALL. THE. TIME.

I finally just said fuck it, and I'm taking ibuprofen, every single day, so I'm not in AS MUCH pain, literally FOUR WEEKS OUT OF THE MONTH.

Even if I could drive. And even if I could work a consistent job.

THIS ALONE WOULD BE MY UNDOING.

Who can function and support themselves when they're literally in chronic, cramping pain, 3/4th of the time?? And if you don't sit down and rest enough, IT GETS VERY PAINFUL AND SWOLLEN AND I LOOK THREE MONTHS PREGNANT, until it calms down again. Which can take DAYS.

My phone is still broken too. Having trouble sleeping from the stress of it.

At least I'm not having a low grade panic attack anymore, because BY TOMORROW, I should have a new battery I can TRY to replace in my current phone. And if I'm unable to do that (the battery is described as 'non replaceable' but people try anyway, sometimes with success),

But if that doesn't work, I bought the same make and model of phone, used, on ebay, in what looks like original packaging, with a seller with good feedback. So, hopefully, if I'm just swapping out a sim card, the battery of the new phine doesn't also crap out on me in the next few months, if the phones are the same age, because this one hasn't been used much.

Idk. Luckily, I have not needed to double-authorize anything in my accounts that would require my phone. I don't know if people have tried to contact me and couldn't.

Despite all this, I was listening to songs on youtube for an hour yesterday, rocking out and singing and dancing.

I'm alive. I'm making it. I'm doing things I love. I'm getting shit done. I'm still working slowly toward a hopefully better future.

But apparently at a family dinner with my ex's family, he tried to complain about his financial situation, straight-up lied and said he's sending us TWICE what he actually sends us for alimony. My son was confused and asked "I thought it was only $___" and apparently my ex snapped at him and said "We're not talking about that!"

And then, he apparently went on to say that each payment period, (every two weeks) After he's paid alimony, groceries, gas, mortgage, etc, electric, all the necessary things, He 'only' has $____ left over for what he wants; aka. 'mad money'.

And he's expressing this like everyone should feel sorry for him that he only has this much 'mad monoey' when all the life essentials are paid for.

....

His 'mad money' he's complaining about,

Is twice what we're living on.

And he's whining to his whole family that we're (me and my oldest who lives with me, son is with us 3 days a week) so much better off financially and have so much more money somehow.

It's just lies. Just provable lies at this point.

How much different would my life be if I actually was receiving 40% of his income, like most disabled, ex spouses do in a divorce?

I didn't want him to not be able to pay the mortgage, and my son would lose the house he grew up in, and not know where he's going to finish highschool.

And my lawyer said we could drag things out and take him to court instead of settling in negotiations, but it would prolong the divorce, and cost money I obviously don't have in legal fees, and even after all of that, there would be no guarentee the judge would rule that my ex pays me maybe $100 more than the amount we finally got to.

I'm genuinely surprised I didn't have a heart attack or a stroke, or die in the process of all of this.

There was no way in hell I could have dragged out the divorce for another six months, have to deal with him more, and borrow money from family (that they may or may not even be willing or able to help me with??) It just wasn't an option. And the fact that he held our oldest child's healthcare deductable hostage to force me into accepting less than 24% is evil.

Every time I think about it, I wonder how his mother would react if she knew. And then I realize, the only appropriate response to that , is to cry. And making my former mother in law cry will really solve nothing.

I kept looking up tutorials, googling troubleshooting questions, trying to start up saftey mode and try some things there.

Seriously, research, and trial and error, and patience letting it charge even though it said it was at about 90% consistently, not sudden drops, nothing.

I was FINALLY able to get it to start up again for long enough for me to try to clear the cahce and make more space on the phone, because if the storage is full it can struggle to run properly and just shut down right away like the battery suddenly corupted and went bad within just two hours of being unplugged?

holy shit, so idk if my luck will run out again, but I have ordered a replacement battery that will be here in a few days.

Currently seems to be running fine. So if I need to verify anything important in the next few days, I WILL be able to do that.

If it fails again, and keeps shutting off and needs a new battery, I can attempt to do that.

If I do that and it still doesn't work, I will have to order a new phone, unlocked, same model, and move over the sim card. Which looks easier than replacing the battery, just a lot more expensive.

at least I think that's what's wrong.

It won't turn on more than a few seconds and shuts off again.

There was no warning. I swear it was fine last night. I plug it in every night. It woke me up this morning just fine.

I am shaking.

two weeks ago, when I tried to log into the site where I recieve alimony payments, all I did was click the page to try to log in and it said I was blocked.

I had not even typed in my information, how could I have been blocked?

Panicking, I tried to log in from another user profile in my browser, and confirmed from my phone, and it was fine but wtf.

thanks for the panic attack??

That really shook me up. We are barely surviving. I cannot work. I would rather break my arm than have to have a discussion with my ex about anything. Including trying to figure out a new way for him to send the minimum court ordered alimony (he held my oldest child's health care decuctable hostage to make me accept less than what I knew we needed to survive. It's been hard, but I would rather die than ever be his wife again).

The fact that I took a nap and woke up to my phone being dead suddenly is also giving me a panic attack.

Idk what I'm going to do if I need to confirm my identify on another site where I get important information or communicate with people, or recieve what little money we need to survive.

I've been saving what little I can, in case the animals have a vet emergency. I can't be guying new phones right now.

I'm terrified to have to try to replace the battery myself.

I also cannot drive. So how am I going to take it to a repair place to get help replacing the battery?

I tried.

I tried like hell to be able to drive, especially after I left my ex. I thought; yeah I'm terrified, but this is something I'm just going to need to do.

And I did it for a year,

and then I got into another accident.

How do people survive like this?

How is anyone surviving?

How common is it to wake up and your phone is dead?

It feels like everything important you do in life needs to be confirmed through your phone. And I don't hear people talking about this.

Not only that, but customer support across the board sucks and is frustrating and useless. Those people don't have any power to help you, and they're not paid enough to care. They're paid to answer phone calls and be polite, so the company can say they have customer service.

It just feels like my life is hanging by a thread and every week the thread is cut and I fall and have to pick my injured ass up again and try to find another way to climb. Only for that method to also fall out from under me next week.

wtf did I just witness?

A kid, who is black, tries to explain the descrimintaiton he faces from people like this guy, and people in power. Says they have threatened to rape him, and physically assaulted him.

And this assholes response is what.

'oh, you wanna claim white people and police hurt you? Well I hope you have a good lawyer because I'm gonna pull all my white republican privoledge strings I have, to get all these people to come after you and say you're lying, and run you into the ground for making that accusation, and silence you and make an example of you'

.....

This isn't about forgiving you.

You destroyed the feelings I had for you. Destroyed. They don't exist anymore. They are gone. And you can't blame me, because I didn't want this. This was something you did, extensively, deeply, insidiously, and with selfishness and cruelty.

Is it really helping you?

You tell yourself the people making sacrifices for you are doing it because they love you, so if they still love you, they will just continue to do it, no matter how much you need from them,

But where is the love for that person, at all, in this scenario?

We've all been through shit. We're all exhausted. We're all trying to surivive.

So why is it ok for you to take advantage of your loved ones?

I get being tired. Exhausted. I get being traumatized. I get having mental or physical disability. I get it more than you know.

But if the way you're dealing with it, only makes it more and more and more frequent, and more, and more, and more intense, and you can see the exhaustion in your friends and families' faces, and you're less concerned for their wellbeing, and MORE concerned with, "Oh no, if they won't do this for me anymore, WHO will do it for me? Why doesn't anyone love me enough to do this forever, as much as I want?"

Why did I just see a post where someone is angry about calling people a narcissist, as if it was ableist and the same thing as using the R word, or calling someone autistic or calling them schizophrenic.

It's literally not.

Having a learning disability, or a chemical imbalance in your brain that makes you hear and see things other people don't, or having depression, or some other mental health condition is NOT the same thing as being a narcissist.

The inability to have empathy and compassion, or love, for other human beings the way you have it for yourself is never going to be a mental health struggle, It's a condition forged by shitty selfish choices and entitlement, taking advantage and hurting the people around you and putting yourself first, for YEARS. And saying it's caused by childhood trauma is just part of their game. Most narcissist grow up in environments where their parents made them the center of their world, and regularly, openly sacrificed everything for their precious offspring, so they grew up feeling like that's just the way the world should be. And they get really fucking irrationally angry and aggressive and abusive if you are just a normal human with their own needs and feelings that are inconvenient to them.

There isn't any kind of medication you can take specifically for narcissism (maybe for related or contributing factors, but not narcissism). They don't need therapy, it just makes them better at being narcissists, because anything they learn about compassion or empathy or consideration for others gets immediately filtered through their brain as 'no, me. No, but this, for me. This, about me. How are people not giving me this, more. I've been robbed. I deserve more. Me, me ,me.'.

Nothing is going to help a Narcissist except the genuine altruistic desire to be the good in the world that you htink the world lacks. Not just APPEARING like a good person, for the praise, and to unlock the 'hero' achievement in what you seem to think is the video game of life , where you're the main character, and everyone who says otherwise is a shitty NPC you're justified in murdering on the spot.

Narcissists are not disabled. They hate disabled people, because it draws attention and consideration away from them, and they feel constantly entitled to that.

If you are diagnosed with narcissism, and you're getting help, and you're trying to turn things around, good for you. Good luck with that. Genuinely.

But you are not a disabled person. You were a shitty person, and you're doing what you can, to be a better person.

Being diagnosed a narcissist, is not, in fact, just one more label to stick on yourself to manipulate sympathy and compassion, and whatever other supply and resources you can suck out of the people around you.

It's obnoxious that there are so few people to write with in fandoms already, never mind finding someone who wants to write the same things that you do. who's any good at writing or roleplaying at all.

But understand that nobody joins an RP space to portray a canon character who is magically, madly in love with your self-insert OC. Just stop. Nobody watches a series, and thinks 'I love this character. What would make it even better is if I can write them being madly in love with a random ass stranger online, unconditionally, for no reason.' Not to mention half of them are throwing up red flags like it's their pride rep.

Nobody joins an RP space, after falling in love with a series, wanting to interact with and portray these characters, to join and see nothing but OCs. When there's OCs everywhere and the main characters are nowhere to be found, how is it even the same series? OCs are fine. OCs can be great. But for the love would it kill you to try to put your mind into a character that you like, that's not you, that other people maybe already want to interact with?

The fact that most OCs in RP space are self-insert wanting to ship with canon characters, but nobody wants to write the canon characters is so narrow minded and self involved.

I'm not even opposed to writing a canon character who FALLS IN LOVE with an OC, but they don't want that. They want you to have some kind of love-at-first-sight bullshit. With their OC. Just because.