"Things From My Mother's Mouth"

Mom: Can you say "woof woof"?

:::dog looks puzzled:::

Mom: If you say "woof woof", I'll let you go out to go poo poo.

:::dog still looking puzzled:::

Me: You know I can hear when you talk about me

Mom:What'd she say?

Mom makes tomato beef stew for dinner, I have never liked it, she knows I have never liked it. We invite my sister and her granddaughter to eat so I don't have to worry about her whining about me not eating it.  She already knew when he bought the ingredients how much I hate that dish.

Mom: You want a bowl or a plate?

Me: I don't like that stew

Mom: Well, you can just eat the potatoes

Me: What part of I don't like that stew do you not understand?

Mom: Well you can eat the potatoes!

Sister: Now Now

WTF?!?!?!  Why do I even bother..why?  My sister's answer to every situation instead of helping me is to take mom's side and say "now now". 

Me: Mom do you want leftover pasta for dinner?

Mom: Oh Yes!

:::warms up penne and makes garlic bread:::

Mom: I thought you said we were having yesterday's leftovers?

Me: I said pasta

Mom: we had pasta yesterday

Me: we had enchiladas

Mom: That's pasta

Me: How is that pasta?

Mom: It's wrapped in pasta

Me: That's a tortilla

Mom: Same thing, I'm having grape jelly on the toast.

Me: On garlic bread?!?!

Me: Did you have an accident in your pants?

Mom: What?

Me: Did you have an accident in your pants?

Mom: NO!

Me: then why are your pants in the bucket in the garage?

Mom: Red wine on sale.. wow..look at that..too bad I don't like red wine.

Mom: This isn't turning out!!

Me: Why is it not turning out?

Mom: BECAUSE THE WATER WON'T BOIL!

Me: Maybe because you have it on low

I'm laying in bed and I hear:

Mom: Are you going to work, you're going to be late, you're not' going to work? you're going to be late!

I ignore and continue to hear:

Mom: you're going to get fired, not going to work, they're going to find somone to do your job, they're going to fire you.

I get out of bed:

Me: Do you know why I'm not going to get fired?

Mom: WHY?!?!?

Me: BECAUSE IT'S SATURDAY

Mom: Oh, I thought it was Friday

At dinner:

Me: Mom, can you watch tv in your room tonight, I'd like to watch tv and you won't like it. It's violent and bloody.

Mom: OK

After dinner Mom sits on the sofa:

Me: Okay I'm going to watch tv

Mom: Ok

Me: Aren't you going to go in your room?

Mom: I'll just sit her and not watch it

Me: Ya, that's not going to work, you won't like this show

Mom: Okay, I'll go in my room

- Mom continues to sit on the sofa -

Me: I guess you're not going to your room?

Mom: I'll go

- Mom still continues to sit on the sofa -

Me: Okay I give up! - Goes to my room -

Talking to herself - Mom: Should I take Aleve or a pain pill.

She grabs the pain pill bottle: If I die, Oh well.

Me: WTH? Why would you say that?

Mom: Well!

I made microwave popcorn last night and gave some to mom, this morning I find it saved in a plastic container.

Me: Mom, why did you save the popcorn

Mom: There was still some left

Me: Why didn't you toss it?

:::Mom reads an article:::

kids: trick or treat

Mom doesn't hear, I answer the door

Mom: I didn't hear it

kids: Trick or treat

Mom doesn't hear, I again answer the door

Mom: Where did they come from?

:::Doorbell:::

Kids: TRICK OR TREAT

Mom doesn't hear, yet again I answer the door

Mom: I didn't see them come

Mom is watching TV, ringing sound on TV, Mom gets up and answers the door.

Mom: There's no one there, I heard the doorbell ring.

:::great granddaughter comes down to bring grandma a piece of her birthday pie::::

Mom: Happy Birthday, I called but no one answered

GGD: Thank you Grandma

:::walks back into her bedroom:::

Me: Mom, you could have visited with her, its her birthday

Mom: I'm watching a Japanese movie

:::10 mins later walks out of her room:::

Mom: Did you buy everything you need?

Me: Ionno, I haven't even thought about it yet.

Mom: You better hurry up you're going next week.

Me: Mom, I always do this, I pack at the last minute.