desire of fish

yes, i have privated all my bfish works on ao3. no, i am not planning on sharing them publicly again anytime soon. if you saved copies that's great, good for you i suppose, but i would frankly prefer if you didn't spread them around.

i am taking an indefinite break from bfish fandom. i don't want to look at it and i don't want it looking at me. i still love the story and the characters, but the fandom kind of sucks imo and at this point i don't want anything to do with it anymore.

(Adding onto it a lil, you're a very sweet and wonderful person and I'm terrible with checking in on people but I hope you're having a nice day)

HELL YEAH!!!! i was actually thinking about this on and off all day SKDFJHSJDK so lets see!!!! this will be a kinda long post because i HAVE to include caps this time around.

1. "do i scare you?" / "never."

(not pictured: me, screaming endlessly)

this scene has had me by the ass since 2018 and is not letting go anytime soon. i am a SUCKER for "character constantly dehumanized gets seen as a whole person for the first time in ages" and ash seeing himself as a weapon and a murderer but eiji seeing him as a protector and as safety.... AUGUGUGHHGH. it GETS ME okay?!?!?!

2. "forever."

[at full volume] i'm always a slut for hurt/comfort!

no but honestly one thing i always want in stories with a lot of action and such are the softer, quieter moments where the characters actually process and FEEL things. and by GOD did this scene deliver.

3. eiji's dick jokes

being stupid together is a love language. need i say more

4. soup scene soup scene soup scene

have i yet mentioned that i am, in fact, always a slut for hurt/comfort?

frankly i am of the firm opinion that pain and suffering in stories are most worthwhile when paired with some sort of catharsis. if there was no focus on the impact, the comfort, the fallout, and the healing, i would call ep19 just grimdark and edgy. soup scene is what makes that entire arc actually make me Feel Things instead of just rolling my eyes at gratuitous tortureporn. ALSO, i love hurt/comfort. in case that i hadn't mentioned that yet.

5. "i envy you. you know how to fly."

okay okay okay okay THIS SCENE THOUGH. THE BIRD METAPHORS. GOD. i have a LOT of thoughts and feelings about the eiji bird metaphors and also the fact that eiji cries for ash here. there is SO MUCH LOVE stored in the eiji. and ash sees himself as being in a cage and eiji as someone who can escape the world he sees himself as trapped in. and that makes me feel many things. GOD. this scene is also iirc the first place that "blue bird" plays and that track also just... gets me.

certainly!!! let's see. hopefully this post won't get TOO long!

Ash Lynx. this surprises no one. i just fucking Love how he's such a genuinely good and kind person despite being exposed to the worst humanity has to offer for more than half of his life. characters who see the darkness in the world and choose light anyway always get me. characters who have every reason to want to lay down and die but keep going anyway just get me. characters with trauma learning to let others in and learning to be loved get me.

Eiji Okumura. a kind lad. heart on his sleeve, fire in his heart, chaotic good. "if i'm gonna die anyway, at least i'll die trying!" I LOVE him. he's just so kind and compassionate and again, always chooses what's right!! also i have feelings about his arc from being a complete innocent into someone who'd storm a party with a gun in hand to save someone he loves. violence is bad, and he's seen how violence hurts ash and how hurting people eats at ash, and he says i love you so much i'll be violent anyway. it's about... sacrifice. and devotion.

Sing Soo-Ling. i want to see my little boy! [here he comes!] honestly sing is just a scrappy little spitfire and i adore him. the contrast of his complete disregard for authority against shorter's deference to the lees is just... chefs kiss. and the fact that he's smart enough to know he's being cut out of the loop and that he refuses to jump to conclusions is just REFRESHING. i love me a smart boy. also, he's adorable and i want to pinch his cheeks.

Max Lobo. honestly............. thinking about max's love for griff haunting him for a fucking decade lays me out flat. and then the way he comes to love ash as a son just... aughghghhg there is so so much love stored in the max. i think about maxgriff so often, about max finding a confidant and a best friend in griff, and about how crushed he was to lose him. the fact that even ten years later when he thought griff was dead he was still chasing banana fish because of the love and the guilt and the grief... god i have so many feelings about max.

Shorter Wong OR Griffin Callenreese. shorter is a really fun character. he would let the world burn to save his sister. he thinks murder is fine, but he is staunchly against emotional manipulation. he respects authority and is genuinely so horrified at the idea that the lees are as evil as dino?? like. my man. i want to study you (NOT LIKE ABE DAWSON THOUGH.) as for griff, everything i love about him is something i made up, but that won't stop me from loving him fiercely ;o;

like... idk yall i had to turn off anon asks bc i kept getting racists and hate despite how kind the majority of my anons were. every now and then someone decides to be a rude piece of shit in my ao3 inbox. and that isn’t even touching on all the plagiarism that drove me up the wall last year. i had to lock my twitter bc someone was being such a creep. my fics don’t get nearly as many comments as they used to. and i know part of that is just that the bf fandom is getting smaller as more people move on, but...

perhaps it is just wishful thinking and silly and pathetic of me, but it’d be nice to like... get some support and friendship around here sometimes. that would be nice. trying to find a sense of community is the entire reason i post my fics and meta and whatnot anyway.