What is Ego Loss

I didn't come back here because i lost my ego again. I came back here to pick up the pieces of my past egos that make me a better person.

The ego is the version of myself that has pride and my feelings of importance.

In the grand scheme of things, I know I'm pretty insignificant. I do know that my actions mean very little when I look at the bigger picture. I also understand that my individual actions cause great effects than I think.

It's important for me to stick to the path of genuine enlightenment. I know my destiny is to be independent. But what does that entail? Can I be emotional independent but dependent on others for the support I need to be successful?

I understand it's not about money, yet it controls a lot of my worrying. It makes me question myself and my worth. I know good things are coming my way. Hell, I know good things are here. I'm in a really good place in my life apart from that gnawing negativity that tries so desperately to make me spiral into oblivion.

The negative side is telling me to be logical about my situation. I want so many things and I want to go on so many adventures, but I don't have the money to do it, so it makes me see what maybe I should be spending my time working in a place that's alright, just to make money so I could do the things I want to do but don't have time to do it? That's the confusing thing.

I'm being confusing. Typing this out makes me more confused. I want to be an artist and I know I can make stuff that could be used as passive income. I used to be obsessed with the digital world, but because it's becoming the norm to do NFTs, I'm finding more solace in painting traditionally. I just don't know anymore.

I do know myself. I've spent countless hours trying to learn my astrology, my birth chart, my human design. It all looks like I'm the kind of person that needs to be patient and wait for things to come to me. That if I go forth depending on logical reasoning, then I will be constantly bombarded with setbacks and challenges.

I have to trust my feelings. I keep going no matter what, and trusting my instinct entirely. What does my instinct tell me?

That I love to paint murals. I love to work on animations. The thought of making children's books excites me now as much as bartending excited me then. I just don't feel it anymore. I want to write and design my own children's book. I really do. I just dont know if I have the patience for that right now. I know I just need to start with a script. A story. I small design. I know I can do it.

I'm getting pulled in many different directions. I want to make animations. I want to paint murals. I want to illustrate children's books. I want to travel. I want to make youtube videos. I want to find my style. I want to find myself. I want I want I want. All these desires lock me in a box of my own consciousness and it makes it extremely difficult to be anything. There are so many things that make me happy. All I want to do is to be happy.

I know life isn't secure. I knw the thought of being secure brings me some kind of comfort. But I also know that it's the comfort in insecurity that will make me happy.

It’s hard to write.

to feel like nothing makes sense.

self doubt is getting boring.

It’s not that I’m ungrateful for being alive. 

But sometimes it’s too tough to live.

With the comfort and stability of a bed,

Now that I have some down time...these thoughts have been weighing on my consciousness.

I think it’s self explanatory how I experienced ego loss. 

Only a few really know and understand what it is.

I don’t even think I understand it myself.

That’s my ego talking.

Because she’s trying to build herself back up.

From being sent straight to the bottom.

Of nothingness.

Of emptyness.

Into the abyss.

But a part of her likes it there.

Because she knows that’s what happens,

When you break through the vale,

to build a better you.

Sometimes you have to sprint past the extremes,

Imagine having strangers telling you that everything leading up to this moment never really mattered, and you aren’t a collection of your thoughts, emotions, feelings, and experiences. Your experiences are neither good nor bad. They just don’t matter. You don’t matter. You’re just a drop in the ocean. Smaller than a drop. You are a speck of dust in a vast open space. And no one cares. Even if they say they do. They really don’t. Because you don’t matter. 

Imagine having strangers tell you that to your face. I mean, famous people probably get this, but it’s usually a sprinkle on the ice cream of adoration.